Saturday, March 07, 2009

Really? Really, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Porn star Jenna Jameson has a perfume.
It’s called Daddy Issues, its scent is like the sanitizer, Purell, with a hint of narcissism, neediness and the stench of dead self-esteem.

Porn star Jenna Jameson has a perfume, Heartbreak.
And what girl doesn’t want to smell like an adult video store floor?

Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican party.
Apparently the Republican party wants to resemble a horse’s ass.

Clearly their first choice for the face of the republican party was Jabba-the-Hut, but Lucas wouldn't release the rights.

The Dallas Cowboys cut Terrell Owens.
Well, they didn’t just cut him, “The Bachelor’s” Jason broke up with Owens, got the engagement ring back and asked Molly to take his place.

It was kind of mean how they let Owens go.
Cowboy owner Jerry Jones lined the team up and said;
“All players who aren’t-egomaniacal attention-whores step forward, Terrell, not so fast.”

And to think just how much I didn't care about Terrell Owens before our economy collapsed . . .

CNN doctor Sanjay Gupta has withdrawn his name as a candidate for Surgeon General.
It was a little awkward when President Bush called Barack Obama to advise;
“Forget that CNN Guppy guy, the best TV doctor is that House fella. He’s sharper than a Mexican cactus.”

In honor of his signing with the Los Angeles Dodgers, Jet Blue is offering a Manny Ramirez flight from Burbank to Boston for $99.
Don’t confuse this with the Alex Rodriguez flight, that is a sharp pain-in-the-butt and it stops flying altogether in the Fall.

Saturday Morning Caffeine Fueled Rant

Loved the U2 on the Letterman this week. Now, I really like U2, but their songs have always sounded, well, U2-ie. “In the Name of Love” is U2-ie. It’s good, but they all kind of sound the same, not as much as Bruce Hornsby and Michael McDonald’s stuff all sounds the same, but . . .

Having said that, I admire how U2 makes it look like they enjoy being U2 (Oh, no, why do I smell another Eagles rant coming on?) Well, inner tirade, it’s true. The Eagles were huge but, besides crazy Joe Walsh, none of them made it look like it was any fun at all being a big shot rock star. Especially one guy whose name rhymes with Bon Denley.

U2 makes it look like they are having a good time. And if you can’t have a good time being billionaire rock gods and saving the planet and everyone in it, like Bono, you aren’t trying.

But seriously, Bono, babe, schnookums, bubbie, what the heck is with the ageing-Beverly Hills-trophy wife sunglasses? Get thee to a Ray Ban store.

Speaking of rock stars, here is Lex's Rock Star Shrimp Recipe:

You want to be a rock star with an appetizer or even a main dish? Simply get a bag of uncooked frozen shrimp, the bigger ones, 21-26 to-the-pound, and marinate them in a ziplock bag with Extra Virgin Olive oil and a solid dusting of Old Bay seasoning. (Old Bay/Olive Oil marinade should have a nice pink/orange color)

If you want to grill them, put the shrimp on soaked bamboo skewers and leave the tail and shell on. They cook better this way and, once they are cooked, the shells are easy to pull off.

If you want to sauté the shrimp, take off the shell and the tail and chop them into about halves or thirds, toss them in a hot skillet with the marinade sauce, add a splash of vodka - light it for the visual effect - and cook them until they are pink and plump.

Throw them in grilled tortillas with grilled corn mixed with sour cream and salsa and shredded cheese or, for an entre, put the whole shrimps on a bed of rice pilaf. (Rice cooked in a rice cooker with chicken broth instead of water) Top with a quick white wine, chicken broth, garlic, caper reduction sauce and Bam it with chopped parsley*.

Bring the grilled shrimp to a party with a good shrimp cocktail sauce and you will be invited to parties where they don’t even really want you there.

*The best presentation secret is to always keep fresh parsley around. Chop it up finely and sprinkle on a plate. It makes a corn dog look fancy.

Friday, March 06, 2009

This just in:

“Sports Illustrated” showed the cause of the Brooklyn Dodgers move to Los Angeles wasn’t owner Walter O’Malley, but a bureaucrat named Robert Moses. In fact, to show the O’Malleys there are no hard feelings, New York is offering to send the Mets to California. And the Knicks too, for that matter.

Since you asked:

One of the running bits at our house is that, when I cook, I shamelessly project false modesty of how good something I made is. It starts with, "You know how I hate to brag, but . . . .

Ann Caroline last night said with as much sarcasm as a 10-year-old can muster:

"Oh, I know, Daddy, you're the best cook in the whoooooole world." And then she cracked up. So I shot back with;

"Eww, that was funny, Ann Caroline.  I guess the comedy gene didn't make through to you after all." 

Without batting an eye, she said;

"I guess the taking-a-joke gene didn't go through to you."


They grow up so fast . . .

Thursday, March 05, 2009

I want to go to that place, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It was so cold in New York . . .
Alex Rodriguez got back with Madonna just for the hot flashes.

The Dow came back a little today.
In a similar story, Amy Winehouse took a vitamin pill with her crack this morning.

In Ohio, a woman was arrested for driving while breast-feeding her baby.
She was charged with child endangerment and the lesser charge of impersonating Britney Spears.

At a construction site here in San Diego, scientists discovered the fossil remains of a mammoth right on top of the fossil remains of a whale.
A mammoth on top of a whale? Do realize what this means? That had to be the site of the very first Hometown Buffet.

In California, a hot blonde 24-year-old teacher was charged with having sex with her 16-year-old male student.
When I was in school, the hot teacher wouldn’t let me stick my pencil in her electric sharpener.

Officials became suspicious when the teacher added the student to her Sit-On-My-Facebook page.

There weather was so bad in New York . . .
Former Gov. Eliot Spitzer hired a hooker named Storm.

A Russian man downed an entire bottle of Viagra in a successful bet to pleasure two women for 12 hours, but then he died of a heart attack.
He will be buried with full honors at the Tomb of the Typical Dumb Drunk Guy in the section of the cemetery normally reserved for inebriated go-cart and potato cannon victims.
This just in:

The Dallas Cowboys cut Terrell Owens.
Owner Jerry Jones left a clear message that the Cowboys will not tolerate another selfish, egomaniac attention-whore. Having one as the owner is plenty.

Actually, they couldn't afford Owens. They have to pay Tony Romo more now that he has to cover Jessica Simpson's grocery bill.

(Now I know that sounds mean, but it isn't. Personally, I think Jessica looks hot as ever, but I have no say in these matters. The Comedy gods have decried that Jessica is fat and that's it. It's like Bush isn't really the stupidest person who ever lived and Paris Hilton hasn't actually slept with everybody. But you wouldn't know it from the jokes)

King of Queens” star and New York Mets mega-fan, Kevin James, named his daughter Shea after the old New York Mets stadium.
Will someone explain to me why this isn’t considered child abuse?

An Indiana couple named Fields named their boy Wrigley after the Cubs' home, Wrigley Fields.
Wrigley is a great kid, but they have to be careful when he eats in September and October. Wrigley has a tendency to choke around the Fall.

In California, a hot, blonde 24-year-old high school teacher had sex with her 16-year-old male student.
I don’t have a joke here, I just like saying a hot blonde 24-year-old high school teacher had sex with her 16-year-old male student.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

You better text yourself before you wrecks yourself, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There is a lot of snow in New York.
Former Gov. Eliot Spitzer hired a hooker to shovel his driveway.

Russian man downed an entire bottle of Viagra in a successful bet to pleasure two women for 12 hours but then he died of a heart attack.
In the event of a cardiac arrest lasting more than four hours, please consult a physician.

Ex-Ill Gov. Rod Blagojevich has signed to write a tell-all book.
The working title is: “Lather, Rinse, Lie, Repeat.”

Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen got married.
For guys who feel upset about missing their chance to marry Giselle there is a message board and chat room at

A Nebraska man was charged with animal cruelty when he tried to calm his cat down by stuffing her in a clear plastic box attached to a bong-like garden hose he then used to smoke marijuana. The cat is OK, it did not calm down but now it is considered an Olympic medal caliber swimmer.

Airlines might charge us to use the bathroom.
Not only that, but when you flush and that blue water shoots up and hits your butt, they’ll charge you an extra $100 for a colon cleansing.

A Russian man downed an entire bottle of Viagra in a successful bet to pleasure two women for 12 hours but then he died of a heart attack.
This will pose three challenges for the mortician: 1, getting the women off of him, two getting the smile off his face and, 3, closing the coffin lid.

How about that storm in the East?
In New York it was so nasty the New York Mets stayed in the cellar on purpose.

In California, a hot 24-year-old teacher had sex with her 16-year-old male student.
The boy is undergoing intensive psychological therapy in a desperate attempt to stop his incessant bragging.

Dice Clay appears on Donald Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice.”
Or as I like to call it; “Why The Rest of the World Hates Us.”

Dice Clay appears on Donald Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice.”
You know what is good about Donald Trump and Dice Clay? Yeah, neither do I.

Dennis Rodman and Dice Clay appear with Donald Trump on “Celebrity Apprentice.”
If a bomb went off in that room, the douche bag factor in this country would drop 10%.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

That there is how we doooooooo-ewwwwww, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Due to the bad winter storm:
The 2009 New York Global Warming seminar has been moved to Miami Beach.

There is so much snow in New York:
Donald Trump replaced that weasel on his head with a sled dog.

There is so much snow in New York;
The Times Square hookers are offering nookie to Nanook of the North.

There is so much snow in New York,
Alex Rodriguez had his cousin inject anti-freeze into his butt.

It is so cold and snowy in New York
Cabbies are wearing their North Face turbans.

The winter storm was so bad in New York
Al Roker was mugged by an irate Al Gore.

One of the top celebrities in Donald Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice” is Dice Clay.
If you can’t remember who Dice Clay is it may be because you never heard of him.

If you can’t remember who Dice Clay is he was like Don Rickles without the warmth, kindness or the humor.

One of the top celebrities in Donald Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice” is Dice Clay.
Apparently Paulie Shore was booked.

$ 62 Billionaire Warren Buffet said the economy would still be in shambles in 2009.
That’s like having Amy Winehouse telling you to get in shape.

This economy is so tough . . .
Actor Christian Bale yelled obscenities at a pawn shop broker.

CA Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has declared a drought emergency in California.
Either that or he just declared a dee wow it emu germ enhancery, I’m not sure which.

The Dodgers erratic-behaving Manny Ramirez may be traded to the New York Yankees.
This might be best, maybe Alex Rodriguez’s cousin can inject Ramirez’s butt with Ritalin.

Airlines are now considering charging passengers to use the bathroom.
Let’s hope cruise ships don’t try this. It could result in an entirely new and ugly meaning to the term the poop deck.

The key to the Oscars is making a movie about a gay couple with a tragic death, like “Milk” “Boys Don’t Cry” and “Brokeback Mountain.”
Make the sequel to “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” “Paul Blart and Clay Aiken: Mall Cops” throw in a fatal Segway accident, we’re talking Oscar buzz.

During the Accenture Match Play Championship final there were many expressions the announcers used that sounded gay, but were not:
Ogilvy has been inside of Casey all day, Casey will give the hole to Ogilvy and Ogilvy has a good six inches on Casey.

Airlines might charge us to use the bathroom.
Now you get to pay for the privilege of following that big fat guy into that sulfur-stench tiny cubicle of reeking unholy hell.

Since you asked:
Rest in peace Chicago Bulls great Norm Van Lier. My man “Stormin’” Norman knew only one speed: full throttle. At a time when my love of hoops was at an all time high, that 71-72 team of Jerry Sloan, Bob “Butterbean” Love, Tom Boerwinkle, Chet “The Jet” Walker Bob Weiss and Clifford Ray with the fiery coach, Dick Motta, was amazing.

During pick-up games, we would take turns pretending to be all the various players. Well, except for Tom Boerwinkle, the last NBA center who couldn’t dunk and Bob Weiss who looked like an accounting teacher in a student faculty game.

Although the Bulls were great, they had the bad luck to run into a time with the legendary Wilt Chamberlain-laden L.A. Lakers teams.

Ahh, bring back the Christmas new-shoe smell of my white with black striped leather Adidas high tops, the sound of Badfinger’s “Baby Blue” playing on the radio to the soulful ache of my heart pining for Carol Smith while lusting after the incredible legs of my English teacher, Miss Golden, add some Hostess Ho Ho’s with milk after school combined with a near constant circus in my pants, braces on my teeth and it is seventh grade all over again.