Friday, November 07, 2008

We do be how we do be, doobie, doobie, do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

President elect Barack Obama has promised to get his daughters a dog; whatever dog he gets he better not name it George W. Bush or it will crap all over the oval office.

Did you see the shot of Jesse Jackson weeping during Barack Obama’s acceptance speech? You could lip read Jackson saying; “Why did I threaten to cut off his testicles? I’m so screwed.”

It was kind of sad today, I think John McCain was in shock. He just kept muttering;

“But, but, but the democrats are supposed to blow it themselves. When is Obama going to go windsurfing? Or ride on a tank? Or let the Supreme Court decide the election?”

John Kerry wants to be appointed Secretary of State but it doesn’t look like it will happen and Kerry is deeply upset. At least I think that’s why Kerry has such a long face.

The Americans people have been blindly letting politicians run the government assuming they know what they’re doing. It’s like New Yorkers who get in a cab assuming the driver is a pro when it turns out he is only licensed to operate a Kabul goat cart.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Getting our grind on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

William Shatner has been embroiled in nasty public feuds first with George Takai and now Shatner’s feuding with director J.J. Abrams for not putting him in the next Star Trek movie. Well who set Shatner’s phaser to bitchy?

Over the weekend a radio comedian tricked Sarah Palin to take his call because he posed as the President of France, Nicolas Sarkozy. The comedian was very believable as the French President, he started the conversation by saying, if Palin gets elected, he wanted to surrender directly to her.

The republicans asked President Bush to stay out of the news for the election. When asked how it felt to be minimalized, Bush replied he prefers Swedish massage instead.

With Barack Obama making all of these top appointments around her, you have to feel a little sorry for Hillary Clinton; she has to feel like the girl who was asked to the Holiday ball with the caveat: “Unless somebody hot comes along.”

Hope you all went out and voted. It may be the last thing we can afford to do.

This is an exciting election result for the English; for the first time in eight years we’ll have a president who can speak it.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

This just in:

For you undecided voters here is a tip: don’t forget, it is breathe in and then breathe out. Repeat. Write it down if you have to.

In their 24-0 loss to the Atlanta Falcons, the Oakland Raiders had ten total passing yards. “So, how was your weekend?” “Not bad, I managed just ten fewer passing yards than the entire Oakland Raiders.”

Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has to be spinning in the coffin he sleeps in during the day.
We goin’ votin' up in this here this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
McCain campaigners say Sarah Palin has gone rogue; it was awkward when President Bush heard Palin had gone Rogue, Bush asked; “Is that like going commando?”

Did you have a good Halloween? Mine was rough. One kid came as a bundled sub-prime mortgage bond and then imploded all over my front lawn.

I had a rough Halloween, I went as Joe the plumber’s butt and made an ass of myself.

Not since then
North Carolina senator Libby Dole is embroiled in a rough campaign. This campaign has been the roughest thing to happen to Libby Dole since Bob Dole first discovered Viagra.

Again, rough
One kid came to our house as an Oakland Raider, but the poor guy didn’t have enough strength to ring the doorbell. Then he dropped the candy.

Not since then again
“High School Musical 3”, “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2” and the musical “Mamma Mia” are in theaters. It is the greatest time to be a gay movie fan since “Top Gun’s” Tom Cruise played beach volleyball in his blue jeans.

Not good
My Fantasy football team isn’t doing well. My team, The Get-a-life’s lost to the Need-to-get-laid’s.

Now I don’t want to say John McCain is in trouble, but right now he’s more behind than Jennifer Lopez.

Kids today
In my neighborhood on Halloween not one pumpkin was smashed, none of the windows were soaped, no house was egged or toilet papered. Just how damn lazy have kids gotten anyway?

Now I don’t want to imply that Barack Obama is getting cocky, but for Halloween Barrack went as an interior decorator so he could measure the White House windows for drapes.

Wild man
Halloween in Hollywood was wild. Police tried to arrest a publicly drunken Andy Dick but he got off claiming he was trick or treating as Joe Sixpack.

“Desperate Housewife” star Nicolette Sheridan is dating David Spade. So that would make her a really, really desperate housewife.

“Desperate Housewife” star Nicolette Sheridan is dating David Spade. It was cute, for Halloween, Spade went as Dennis Kucinich and Nicolette went as Kucinich’s hot wife.

Since you asked:

So proud. Just cast my vote for the first time as a guy who can make a ripping-good beef brisket.

Rubbed that three-pound bad boy with garlic powder, pepper, Old Bay seasoning and smoked paprika and cumin. Seared it for three minutes a side. Put soaked mesquite chips in the smoker and replaced them as needed to keep a low, steady smoke. Poured in the sauce of sautéed onions, garlic, one pint of Guinness, half a cup of ketchup, a dollop of peach preserves and a splash of balsamic vinegar and a dash of caraway seeds into an aluminum pan. Covered the brisket loosely with tin foil

Indirect low heat – about 250 – for four hours flipping it twice. Sliced it thin and served on French rolls with the sauce. Hmmm, mmm, mmm. Salad and baked beans and Bob is your rogue Uncle.

In the “Brad Lidge’s Uncle is my elementary school best pal, Howie Detmer” category, get this: Our great pal from my New York days was/is Jim “Wally Walter Kachooks” Walters, a fellow Colorado College alum of my great friends Will “G-Willy” Volkmann and Jim “Woody” Woods and Jeff “Hondo” Hlavecek. (And also our good pal, Roger Bottum. Nickname installed)

Granted, Colorado College was called the Harvard of the Rockies, but was it featured in the latest “US News and World Reports” Top 50 universities and colleges, like my beloved UCSB? No, I’m afraid not. But a good school all the same.

But I digress.

Wally’s best pal at C.C. was a guy named Joe Ellis, who was, when I met him, an assistant to Denver Bronco owner, Pat Bowlen . Let me explain. In ‘86 I moved from New York to San Diego and then the Broncos were in the ’88 Super Bowl in San Diego. Wally and Hondo came out from New York and crashed at my apartment and they got me a ticket to the game. Probably from Joe Ellis. The night before the game was when we met the famous Joe Ellis at a huge NFL party. Wally – one of the truly funniest people you can ever hope to meet - had often described Joe as the funniest person alive. Needless to say expectations were high.

Maybe I was trying too hard to be funny or my expectations for Joe’s comedic talents were too high, but Joe didn’t seem all that funny to me. In fact, for whatever reason, Joe and I flat out didn’t hit it off. Or maybe he just didn’t like me. Oh well. It happens. Ask the French.

Today Joe is the Denver Broncos chief operating officer. Not only that, a blurb in the “San Diego Union Tribune’s” sports section says Joe’s mom is President George Herbert Walker Bush’s sister, which makes Joe our president’s first cousin.

As the great Walter Kachooks would have put it so well, quoting his buddy Joe:

“Lambra bambrah slangra slingrajee, yah sassamrah.”

It’s a Joe/Wally thang.

As I once mentioned in here before, San Diego, bless its heart, just doesn’t look right in the rain. It’s like the proverbial guy wearing a straw hat eating a banana on a train. You don’t know why, it just looks goofy. Like a skateboarder wearing a tutu.

To put it in a more appropriate political context, San Diego in the rain looks like Nixon walking on the beach in his suit and shiny shoes. Or Michael Dukakis’s imitation of Snoopy in that goofy helmet in the front of the tank.