Friday, September 05, 2008

This just in:
Have you seen “The Hugging Lion” video? Two guys in London owned a lion cub but, it got too big, so they released it into the African wild. A year later they returned to Africa and the clip showed the touching reunion with the lion hugging the two men, thus “The Hugging Lion” clip.

Sadly, this was immediately followed by “The Lion Pooping-out Two Guys” clip.
You can thumb it but you don’t has to dumb it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(A plea for more intelligent text messages)

New advances
A company has made a solar powered vibrator. This could result in the first time any woman has said; “Please move, you’re standing in my orgasm.”

You had to feel sorry for President Bush at this Republican convention; he’s like the really drunk and crazy Uncle at the family reunion everybody is trying to ignore. “Don’t look now, but Uncle W. just took his pants off.”

Uh, no sir, that’s not, oh forget it
It was awkward when journalists wrote about President Bush speaking to the convention via satellite, Bush said; “I weren’t up in no satellite, I was in the White House, boy.”

Knew she looked familiar
How about that speech from Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin reminds me of the woman amazed by Bounty paper towel’s absorption in “The quicker-picker-upper” commercials.

How about that speech from Sarah Palin? Is it just me or does Sarah Palin look like the woman in the adjoining bathtub in the Cialis commercial?

Not nice
I thought it was in bad taste when the democrats showed a picture of Sarah Palin to the song “Mrs. Robinson” and then cut to her pregnant teenage daughter to the Fergie song “My Humps.”

Even the democrats were impressed with Sarah Palin’s speech. In fact, John Edwards offered to discuss her speech with her over a late dinner at a quiet little Italian place he knows.

Even the democrats were impressed with Sarah Palin’s speech. In fact, John Edwards sent her a note congratulating her and asking Sarah if she wanted to play the ruler-wielding librarian in a game of “Naughty School Boy.”

Low blow
Barack Obama promised his two daughters a dog if he is elected president. Oh, like that’s fair. Vote for Barack. Unless you don’t want two cute little girls to get a widdle bitty puppy!

One of my favorite moments during the democratic convention is when they cut to Barack Obama’s daughters during an applause break and showed them standing up to clap, but the younger one turned around all pissed off to see who had just prodded her from behind.

That explains it
A study has found that Canada is one of the leading suppliers of the drug Ecstasy. This finally explains Canadians ability to tolerate that snooty Alex Trebek.

Since you asked:

New Pet Peeve

Something tells me I've mentioned this before, but don't read this if you don't want to suddenly realize you see it/hear it everywhere and it will drive you nuts.

Believe me, I love that we are more casual. But a friend of mine just got back from a funeral and reported that there were many, many people there in shorts and sandals. Last night I went to my daughter's fifth grade open house and because I had a dress button-down shirt, long pants and shoes, I counted as one of the best dressed there. And the pants were blue jeans. One guy had a suit on. This wasn't just one class, this was all of the school's fifth grade parents.

OK, this is California and I love that we can wear comfortable clothes year round. That means lots of time in all manner of sandals, flip flops - formally thongs - and, yes, even Crocs. No socks though, please.

But, because these types of shoes are looser fitting that means you may have to go to a teeny, tiny bit more trouble not to scuffle them along the ground. How much more effort does it take someone just to pick up their feet enough so that they don't make annoying, lazy, dumb-slob-bastard "schlop, schlop, schlop" noises when they walk?

The next time you see some overly-entitled helmet dumb-assing their way along dragging their feet, I dare you to try not to notice that the sound their dragging shoes makes sounds eerily like:

"Douche . . . bag . . . douche . . . bag . . . douche . . . bag"

Tell that lazy-assed jamoke to pick up their stupid-assed feet.
These just in:

Jesse Jackson was hospitalized in Chicago for stomach pains. It turns out, after repeatedly sticking his foot in his mouth, Jackson has a bad case of athlete’s stomach.

How about that speech from Sarah Palin? I like Sarah Palin, she reminds me of the strict headmaster in that “Naughty Catholic School Girls” adult DVD.

How about that speech from Sarah Palin? I like Sarah Palin, she reminds me of Dr. Mom in the Robitussen commercials.

How about that speech from Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin reminds me of the hot cool mom in high school who smokes, drinks scotch on the rocks and insists you call her by her first name. (Puff, exhale, loud sip) "Please, call me Sarah."

Hurricane Ike is a category 4 hurricane. Hurricane Ike has been described as very dangerous. Especially for Tina Turner.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

This just in:

Actor David Duchovney is undergoing rehabilitation treatment for sex addiction. Bill Clinton used to suffer from sex addiction, but he found someone who helped him lick it.
Why it got to go and get all hinky, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

I don’t want to say that she is unknown, but John McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin? Her secret service code name is “What’s her name?”

Nice pooch
Barack Obama said he is planning to get his daughters a dog if he is elected president. Yeah, and if it is a boy dog they are going to neuter him and name him Jesse Jackson.

Barack Obama said he is planning to get his daughters a dog if he is elected president. Barack has warned them that, if it is a boy dog, they have to get him fixed to keep him out of trouble, like they should have done to Bill Clinton and John Edwards.

Why is that?
Actor David Duchovney is undergoing treatment for sex addiction. Have you noticed that the only guys who become sex addicts are movie and sports stars? Sex addiction is not an occupational hazard at Radio Shack, Best Buy or Starbucks.

They just discovered the two-part cure for male sex addiction: obscurity followed closely by poverty.

You know why so many male actors and sports stars become sex addicts? Because they can. Sex addiction is not a problem for the guy bagging groceries at Ralphs.

Actor David Duchovney is undergoing treatment for sex addiction. They symptoms of sex addiction are constant sexual arousal and an obsession with sex. This just in, every single 15-year-old male in the country needs to undergo sexual addiction treatment,

Name game
In a recorded clip before his speech at the Democratic Convention, Barack Obama mentioned how hard it was growing up with an unusual first and last name. But it was even harder on his female cousin: Yomama Obama.

Fizzled in the Fall
Hurricane Gustav was expected to hit hard but it became weak and missed its mark, as a result they’ve renamed it tropical storm New York Yankees.

Good for him
Tiger Woods’s wife, Elin, is pregnant for a second time. Although not playing golf, Tiger has been apparently working on his stroke.

Ya’ think?
Famous gravel-voiced movie promo announcer Don “In a world” Lafontaine passed away due to lung complications. Gosh, you don’t think it had anything to do with smoking, do you? The guy’s voice box was like a charred-out barbeque pit filled with red-hot shards of glass.

Calm down
The Chicago Cubs have lost four in a row; asked to comment, a longtime Cubs fan replied; “Nothing to panic about, the Cubs are still in first and I feel good, ahh, my god, if they blow this I swear I am going to go postal and run down Michigan Ave. naked! Ahem, sorry, they’ll do fine.”

Eight-gold-medal winner Michael Phelps is going to host “Saturday Night Live.”

Here is my version of a Michael Phelps “SNL” skit:

Cut to: “Weekend Update” desk with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers:

Seth Meyers:
And now here to give you tonight’s editorial, eight-gold medal winner, Michael Phelps

Cut to:Michael Phelps entering wearing hugely over-sized prosthetic ears

Michael Phelps:
Thanks, Seth, Amy.


I have to say, Michael, um, you look a little different in person.


I know, everyone says I seem a lot taller. I just want to thank all the people who helped me win these eight gold medals. There is my coach, Bob Bowman, and of course my mom, Debbie, who gets a gold medal for being a great mom but a zero from the judges for falling off her seat.

But, seriously, it goes without saying these gold medals would not be possible if not for my relay teammates, without whom I would not have three of my gold medals. Especially that one guy, that other guy and that other dude came from behind to win.

Seth Meyers
The guy who barely out-touched that French guy?

Michael Phelps
Yeah, that guy. Who could ever forget what’s his name? What a nightmare for the French. First they had to get in the water and bathe and then they lost to the US . .. again.

But, all kidding aside, most importantly, I want to thank all of those mean kids who, when I was growing up, teased me about how big my ears are.

Seth Meyers:
Really? They teased you about your ears?

Michael Phelps:
Yes, Seth, and their teasing inspired me to Olympic greatness. So all you kids who get bullied, let that be a lesson for you: some day, if you work hard enough, you can get the last laugh. (Holds up his eight gold medals to wild applause)

Seth Meyers
How bad did they tease you about your ears? Like, did they say when they were handing out ears, you thought they said beers and you asked for two big ones?

Michael Phelps:
(Irritated, but then smiles)

No, never heard that one.

Amy Poehler:
Oh, let me try one. How about his ears are so big he can hear the sun come up?

Michael Phelps
(More irritated and struggling to maintain calm)

Yeah, Amy, no, but, that’s, uh, that's a good one.

Seth Meyers:
When “Star Wars” came out, did they say your Dad, Yoda, called?

Michael Phelps:
(Now clearly pissed)

Yeah, they did say Yoda was my Dad, and it hurt. But that wasn’t the one that would set me off, though.

Amy Poehler:

Hey Mickey, where's Minny?

Michael Phelps:

(Just looks up and sighs trying to maintain his composure)

Seth Meyers:
Oh, you don’t mean . . .

Michael Phelps:
(Gritting his teeth)

. . . I’m warning you, Seth, don’t do it.

Seth Meyers:
They didn’t really call you DUMBO did they? Hey, Dumbo, can you fly with those ears?

Michael Phelps:

Yep, that was the one. (Screams: "Ahhhhhhhhh!" And then gives Seth a savage beat-down with his eight gold medals)

And that is how we play Lex’s Michael Phelps “SNL” skit.

(Polite applause)

Granted, Phelps would have to be a hell of a sport. But still . . .