Friday, June 27, 2008

You gotta whack it, jack it and stack it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There is a celebrity sex tape making the internet rounds, this one has “Austin Powers” Mini Me Verne Troyer. You know what they say? Once you go gnome you can’t go back home. Once you go dwarf into a sex fiend you’ll morph. Once you go tiny you’ll always want that little hiene.

Not good
Californians are flocking to Mexico to buy gas because it’s 50% cheaper. But I’m not sure about the quality of gas, when you fill up they ask if you want it on the rocks or blended, salt or no salt?

Answers that
The Supreme Court has ruled it is legal to carry a handgun. This answers the proverbial question of what’s in your pants or are you just glad to see me.

Or something like that
The Fresno State Bulldogs, defeated the Georgia Bulldogs 6-1 to win the College World Series. Fresno State’s Steve Detwiler hit two homers and had all six RBI’s. Interesting sidebar: Detwiler is a German name that means: “I will always get lucky in Fresno.”

Not easy
Scientists are working on a drug that could help cure gambling addiction. The really tricky part of making the anti-gambling drug? Fixing it so the drug stops working if you’re winning.

So that’s where she went
An American hiker stranded in the Bavarian Alps for nearly three days was rescued after using her sports bra as a signal. I was wondering what happened to Brandi Chastain after she shot the winning penalty kick in the 1999 Women’s World Cup.

Easy, Lex, calm down, big guy
Wimbledon is under way and Russia’s Maria Sharapova was upset in the second round. In case you don’t follow women’s tennis, Sharapova is a tall striking blonde with incredibly long legs and every time she hits the ball she grunt/screams. It’s almost as if she is in pain, not serious pain but pain like from, oh, let’s say being spanked, spanked repeatedly on her high and tight butt with let’s say a ping pong paddle, spanked over and over like a naughty, naughty school girl who promises to be a good girl from now on, spanked until her taut, high buttocks cheeks are the shiny scarlet hue of a red balloo . . . huh? Oh, I’m sorry. What was I talking about? That’s right, way to go go Fresno State Bulldogs.

Since you asked:

In my humble opinion – and, honestly, what opinion could be more important than that? – the two most interesting categories of rock and roll bands are “The Most Over-Rated” and “The Most Under-Rated.”

The most under-rated? In my opinion – see above – it is a three-way tie between Buffalo Springfield, the Flying Burrito Brothers and Poco. Yes, I know they are all close and have had members in all three.

But the guitar picking, the electric guitar riffs, the four part harmonies, the vocals, the songs and lyrics, all first rate. As pure musicians, I am willing to bet they could have gone toe-to-toe with the super bands “Blind Faith” and “Cream.” And, no offense to their deserved legendary status, as pure technical musicians, they would kick the Beatles’ ass. (I drum better than Ringo and I can’t drum. And, to get his songs put on the White Album, George Harrison had to bring in to the studio Eric Clapton. And to have decent keyboards on “Let It Be” Paul had to bring in Billy Preston.)

And yet none of those three bands made it close to the lofty regions of rock royalty in terms of money and fame like their contemporaries America, Credence Clearwater Revival, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, The Birds The Doobie Brothers and the Eagles.

So that makes the Most Over-Rated bands a tie from the same era and the same state, a tie with “Jefferson Starship”and “Jefferson Airplane.” They were hack/crap musicians who were so stoned they couldn’t play well if they could have.

For reasons nobody can explain to me, maybe because she was being compared to Janis Joplin – a great performer but no beauty queen - Grace Slick is considered a rock diva beauty. First of all, she wasn’t even good looking, and secondly, there is the slight little problem of the small fact that she couldn’t sing a single note on key if you put a gun to her head.

As I have stated before, there are only three distinct tiers of rock and roll bands in the world. There are The Legends, the Great-to-Really Good, and Everybody Else. The Legends pick themselves, we have no choice, it is a question of timing and history. You don’t even have to like them, as many don’t like Bob Dylan, Bob Marley, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin or the Doors, but you can’t argue that they aren’t legends. Beatles, U2, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Bruce Springsteen, Stones, the Who, Clapton, Cream, Ray Charles, Van Morrison, Johnny Cash, Chuck Berry, etc. As a point of reference, I place the Eagles in The Legends but some might not.

As my buddy Bryan Crane put it so well, there is honor in the second tier, Great to Good. You own their albums and pay big money to go see their concerts. These are some great bands, like the Doobie Brothers or Steely Dan, they just aren’t quite legends. Aerosmith is a classic top end second tier band. So is Bon Jovi. As great as he is and they are, even Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are in the second tier. AC/DC is a great band but they are a second tier band. Van Halen is a basic second tier band. Love Jimmy Buffet and the Coral Reefers but they are a second tier band.

What is an example of an Everybody Else Third Tier band? Bachman Turner Overdrive. Golden Earing. My buddy Ray will pitch a fit, but a classic example is Foghat. My buddy Juan will pitch a fit, but REO Speedwagon is a third tier band. Boston is a solid third tier band.

The Jefferson Whatever are considered legends but they are a bad Everybody Else band. Now that is what I call over-rated.

Read the sickeningly bad and sappy lyrics of “Miracles” the Starships only big hit. OK, in the name of full disclosure, I do admit that, at the time, drunk with puppy love, Old Style beer and adolescent hormones, I loved this song, but that was only because it reminded me of when I made out with Becky Thompson in Wilmette on her back porch swing during a balmy late-spring shower. Sigh. Or was it a tropical and warm Indian Summer early fall day? Hmm.

I know, love is the answer

Keeps holding this world together
Aint nothing better
Aint nothing better
And all the answers to our prayers
Hell , its the same everywheres, baby
Nothing ever breaks up the heartOnly tears give you away
Then youre right where I found ya
With my arms around ya
Oh baby, baby, baby, love is a magic word, yeah
Few ever find in a lifetime
But from that very first look in your eyes
I knew you and I had but one heart
Only our bodies were apart
That was so easy, so easy
I had a taste of the real world
When I went down on you, girl.

Are they frickin’ kidding? I had a taste of the real world when I went down on you girl? How did they sing this thing with a straight face? Spinal Tap had better songs and they were trying to suck so much they would be funny.

To give you an idea how crappy The Jefferson Whatever-Flying-Contraption were, they replaced Kiss on my Most Over-Rated rock and roll bands list.

And Kiss had the most over-rated human being on the planet – next to Queen Latifah - in Gene Simmons.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

This just in, uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget
It was more than a little embarrassing when President Bush unveiled his personal plan to conserve gas. Bush said he plans to fly Air Force One a lot because it uses jet fuel, not gas.
Square up, paddle hard, step forward and step on that Lexcelerator, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Rap, the C is silent
In New York, singing a rap song, Shaquille O’Neal blamed Kobe Bryant for his divorce and invited Kobe to, um, partake of Shaq’s hind end. Even Don Imus didn’t like it, he gave Shaq’s rap song only one out of four burning crosses.

Light weight
In London, Naomi Campbell pleaded guilty to assaulting two police officers; seriously, how bad can it be to be assaulted by a super model? It’s like having a cardboard cut-out fall on you.

Really? They were attacked by a super model? Didn’t they have a toothpick handy to fight her off?

Count that one out
In a radio interview, Terry Bradshaw admitted he used steroids during the ‘70’s. The 70’s were a time of drug use, in fact, the only drug we know Bradshaw didn’t use? Rogaine.

Hate to hear that
In New York, Shaquille O’Neal, used racial remarks and obscenities in a derogatory rap song about Kobe Bryant and, as a result, lost his honorary Arizona deputy police badge. Too bad, Shaq was one of the best world famous seven-foot millionaire undercover agents they ever had.

No kidding
You know who is upset over the Don Imus remarks about “Pacman” Jones? “Pacman’ Jones. Yeah, apparently when he heard the comments, “Pacman” got so upset he dropped his gun and it went off nearly hitting two strippers.

It was a beautiful day in New York. It was so nice Don Imus hung his KKK sheets out on a line.

Wait, he changed his mind
Shaquille O’Neal, used racial remarks and obscenities in a derogatory rap song about Kobe Bryant. Don Imus loved it, he gave it three white hoods out of four.

Hillary Clinton made her return to the Senate. It wasn’t easy, she had to dodge sniper fire on the way in.

Hillary Clinton returned to her senate seat in Washington. There were cheers, tears congratulatory hugs. And that was just with Bill at their house in Schenectady New York.

Monday, June 23, 2008

We gonna step on the Lexcelerator one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . . hot . . .was . . . it?
Man it was hot this weekend, I was sweating like President Bush realizing he just promised to write a book.

It was so hot this weekend, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee got in a domestic fight just to feel the breeze from the things they threw at one another.

It was so hot one straight guy went in and saw the movie “Sex and the City” just for the air conditioning.

It was so hot in Los Angeles, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee got back together just for the wedding shower.

It was so hot Bill Clinton was red-faced even without a rant.

The latest rumor is that Hillary Clinton blames Bill Clinton for her election defeat; supposedly, Hillary is so furious at Bill, to get back at him, she is going to have sex with him.

Fitting tribute
The Mars Lander has found traces of ice on an otherwise barren and stark landscape on Mars. So they decided to name it Lake Hillary.

For the eleventh year in a row, “The View” did not win a daytime Emmy. You can tell the women on “The View” are upset. For one second it looked like Joy Bahar might even shut up.

Tickets still available
Frank Sinatra Jr. is on tour. Yeah, he is touring with Julian Lennon and Lisa Marie Presley in “That Apple Fell a Mile From The Tree” tour.

In Wisconsin, a chef faces three years in jail for grilling the steak of a complaining customer encrusted with hanks of his body hair; or as the Sizzler calls that: the Pube-Cube steak special.

On this date in 1993, Lorena Bobbitt cut off her husband’s penis and threw it into a field but she never did jail time. Upon hearing this, Hillary Clinton said “You can do that?”

Since you asked:

Oh, you want to know what the Lexcelarator is, Slatties and Nuggesses? It’s a little term I’ve coined - with an assist from the Shibuyabase - to describe when I am on my stand up paddleboard and am about to catch a wave, I put my weight forward on the front foot so the board takes off down the wave. We callin’ that stepping on the Lexcelerator, buuuuhhhhh-beeeeeeee. Oh yeah. (Chortle of self-satisfied smugness)