Friday, August 24, 2007

We’re getting’ it done in the fun on the run, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I’m just saying
Michael Vick has pled guilty to dog fighting and awaits his sentence. Wouldn’t it be great if Vick jumped bail and was tracked down by Dog the bounty hunter?

By cracky
According to a new study, people are having sex well into their eighties. Upon hearing this, Larry King said; “Good for those young whippersnappers.”

Saint Teresa
A book of Mother Teresa’s letters reveal new insights into the Saint of Calcutta. For example, did you know Mother Teresa was really into Fantasy Football? Yeah, her team name was The Righteous Beat-downs.

Did you know Mother Teresa was really into Blue Oyster Cult? She loved the cowbell on “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”

Did you know Mother Teresa made a fortune playing the ponies in Off Track Betting?

Did you know Mother Teresa had a cat she named Hoobastank?

Did you know that Mother Teresa had a T-Shirt that said “Skiers Suck, Snowboarders Rule”?

Did you know how Mother Teresa started every day? Two words: Count Chocula.

Did you know what Mother Teresa really loved besides helping the needy? Gin and Mountain Dew.

Hotter wife
A London study claims that a Tyrannosaurus Rex could out run Soccer star David Beckham. That may be true, but Beckham’s wife is a lot hotter than the T-Rex’s wife, Posh Rex.

How rainy is it?
It has been raining so much in New York, the New York Knick’s Stephon Marbury has declared drowning dogs a sport.

What an idiot
The New York Knick’s Stephon Marbury defended Michael Vick by declaring dog fighting a sport; What the hell does Marbury know about sports? He doesn’t even play on a real team, he plays for the freakin’ Knicks.

No way
How about those storms in Chicago? It was so windy that during the Bears pre-season training camp, one of Rex Grossman’s passes was actually blown into the hands of a receiver.

Where is the justice?
School is about to start again. Life is not fair. I used to hate when high school started, now all the kids really look forward to school. And why not? They get to have sex with their teachers.

They had to let her go
Nicole Richey was let out after just serving just 82 minutes in jail. They decided to let her out when they saw that Nicole could just walk out of her cell in between the bars.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

It’s gonna do what it do when it do what it do how it do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . . rainy . . . is . . .it?
It is raining so hard in New York that the KFC/Taco Bell rats have defected to Quiznos so they can ride the oven-toaster conveyer belt to dry off.

It is raining so much in New York, three Yankee pitchers accidentally floated back to Cuba.

It is so rainy in New York the cab drivers are wearing their Burberry turbans.

Central, Central, Central Intelligence Agency
An internal study by the CIA reveals that the CIA mishandled information that could have stopped the terrorist attacks of September 11th . Another inside CIA study reveals that this study by the CIA was also mishandled by the CIA.

Caddy Whacked
Bill Murray could be arrested for drunk driving while driving a golf cart in Sweden. Sweden is tough on drunk drivers. Murray could be more screwed than he was after making “Scrooged.”

In Japan, the world’s oldest person, a woman, died at 114. It’s starting to seem like the title World’s Oldest person is more lethal than the title: Phil Spector’s girlfriend.

In Japan, the world’s oldest person, a woman, died at 114. What’s with all of these world oldest person’s dying? Is there like a world’s oldest person serial killer?

They just don’t speak as goodly as they used to
On this week in 1940, Winston Churchill honored the Royal Air Force by saying; “Never in the field of human conflict have so many owed so much to so few.” Kind of makes President Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” look like a Tootsie Roll in the punch bowl, don’t it?

A study indicates that people are getting more and more impatient and rude. Or something like that, like I have time to read some jerk-off’s study.

We must be up to Super Bowl Sixty Nine
Fox announced that the host of the Super Bowl is Ryan Seacrest. Fox better hope that San Francisco and Miami make the Super Bowl because those are the only cities with enough gay people who will watch Ryan Seacrest host a Super Bowl.

Apparently Fox felt that the Super Bowl just wasn’t quite gay enough before

Safety tip
A China Airlines flight landed in Japan and, after the passengers got off, the airplane burst into a fireball; folks, please, this is what happens when you don’t put your trey table in its full upright and locked position.

My mistake
More information is coming out of the Michael Vick case. Apparently the dogs were loaded up on steroids and then taught to viciously attack their opponent’s throat. Oh, wait, sorry, that was Rosie O’Donnell.

You had to be there
It is raining so hard in New York City, today Tiki Barber accused Eli Manning of being pruny.

“Little Women” author Louisa May Alcott was diagnosed with Lupus 119-years after her death. And you thought your HMO was slow.

Since you asked:
Let us play another round of the new and exciting “A.L.b.b.” game that is sweeping the country:

Hot or Not? Lex can’t decide.

Reece Witherspoon? Not. Although she gets many points for the saucy under bite. She can be made to be hot, but let’s be clear about something. Anyone can be made to be hot. Well, anyone but Rosie O’Donnell. With enough make up and C.G.I. I can be made hot and I look like a cross between Ike on “Tombstone” and Keifer Sutherland after a two month suicide-attempt Margarita and Burrito jag in Cabo San Lucas.

Claire Danes? Hot. No question. And how about her dancing on that GAP commercial? Woof.

Gabrielle Reece? Hot. She is real life hot. Meaning I am sure she looks even hotter in real life than in photo shoots and commercials because she is so athletic and healthy. And I am not just sucking up to her hubby Laird Hamilton because I want some free Stand Up Paddleboard gear. But in case he does read this, Laird, I am a whore and I can be contacted at

Zooey Deschanel? Hot. But she gets many points off for her contribution to that really annoying trend of annoyingly weird actress names like Sigorney Chloe Savignie America Ferrara Benicio Del Toro (OK, so he is a guy) Marissa Hargitay Zeta-Jones-Sarah Jessica (Pick a f*ckin’ name) Parker Broderick Gwenyth Paltrow Dakota Fanning .

Helena Bohnam Carter? Hot but points off for the three name thing. There is something so hippy/sexy/mysterious/kinky/cool/hip/coffee house/slut about her. She makes smoking cool again.

Renee Zellweger? Not. Sorry, but that time she got uglied up for that Civil War movie killed it for me. And if I had to hear one more time about how hard it was for her to lose and gain weight for the “Bridget Jones Diaries” movies I was going to go “Raging Bull” on my own ass.

Laura Linney? Hot. Gotta say she smolders in a not beautiful but hot MILF big time way.

Jessica Alba? What do you think? If you don’t think she is hot you have a future in interior decorating.

Meg Ryan? Not. This one hurts because she has a great non-funky name and, in her day, she personally shoved really cute all the way over to hot. But somebody should have told her plastic surgeon to stop with the lip collagen somewhere before Platypus.

Hillary Duff? She is too young for me to make a call without feeling like a perv.

Kate Hudson? Hot, but she loses a ton of points with her bad habit of dating ugly rock stars.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

It’s on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is hot
It was so hot and muggy I was sweating like Michael Vick when he finds out his prison cellmate is nicknamed “Doggy Style.”

First couple
The first daughter, Jenna Bush, is engaged. Now, I don’t want to imply that Jenna is a partier, but, if you want to get them a wedding present, the couple is registered at Booze, Bongs and Beyond.

The first daughter, Jenna Bush, is engaged. Now, I don’t want to imply that Jenna is still pretty wild, but she reminds me of the girl who tells the Chippendale male stripper to “Come to mamma” without taking the Marlboro out of her mouth.

A CNN report reveals that Iraqi women are turning to prostitution to feed their families, some for as little as $8 dollars a day. To show you how bad it is, last month these women put 200 camels out of business.

A CNN report reveals that Iraqi women are turning to prostitution to feed their families, some for as little as $8 dollars a day. $8 dollars a day. Of course the price does go way up if you want them to keep their veil on.

Oui kid the French
A Frenchman, Anselme Cote, is building the world’s fastest moving sidewalk capable of up to seven-miles-an-hour; it started as a French military project to develop a faster way to retreat.

After a year, Italy’s Marco Materazzi admitted what he said to France’s Zinedine Zidane to cause Zidane’s World Cup final head-butt ejection. In response to Zidane’s offer of his jersey, Materazzi said; “I prefer your whore sister.” Yeah. The spat continued after the game when Zidane’s sister hit Materazzi with a huge bag of coins.

A good excuse
NFL Fantasy Football players are preparing for their draft. This is serious, for two weeks Fantasy football players will be so busy they will finally have an excuse for not having sex.

NFL Fantasy Football players are preparing for their draft and many are confused as to what to do with Michael Vick. They are not sure whether they should dump him because Vick is pure scum or whether to drop him because Vick is utter scum.

Since you asked:
There was the most amazingly horrible movie on HBO and, like somebody glaring at an awful accident, I didn’t want to watch it but I had to: “American Dreamz.” It had a really top cast and it couldn’t have been more awful. It was insulting to everyone and everything. It somehow managed to insult three things that are so vile and evil they are almost impossible to insult: Terrorists, Dick Cheney and reality TV. The makers of this festering dung stench could make a movie about dog fighting that would insult Michael Vick.

Would somebody please, please tell my why Hollywood is so fascinated with Mandy Moore? As I stated before, you could go to the Delta Gamma sorority house at U.C. Santa Barbara circa 1980 and throw a stick in the living room and hit four Mandy Moores.

This brings me to a new feature here at “a little BIT bad:”

Hot or Not? Lex can’t decide.

Mandy Moore? I think not but apparently everyone else thinks I am wrong.

Jessica Simpson? Just as soon as she starts to get hot she references how much she has gas.

Scarlett Johansson? Sorry, but the pouty annoying gawky teenager-thing from “Horse Whisperer” has never gone away.

Charlize Theron? Sorry, but the scary, crazy, psycho-bitch ugly from “Monster” didn’t all wash off.

Halle Berry. Definitely hot. And then she opens her mouth to say something annoying about her grueling craft. And who is picking her scripts? Britney Spears?

Angelina Jolie. Wow, talk about once definitely hot. And then she got all Alien-vein-covered hyper skinny and stood around holding fly ridden starving orphans all day working extra hard at making us all feel really ashamed at how little we do for the world.

Jennifer Anniston. This one hurts. I used to think she was the hottest. Cute, funny, sweet. And then, she had Halle Berry have Britney Spears pick her scripts and then she couldn’t keep from opening her mouth about how hard it is to be rich and famous.

Eva Langoria. Definitely hot. But she is about one missed cucumber finger sandwich away from making her Angelina Jolie/Posh Spice scary skinny.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

People, people who hate people, are the luckiest people . . .

There is no faster way to like somebody than to discover you both hate the same person.

Isn’t that great? When I worked on Wall Street in New York – believe me, there is no shortage of a-holes on Wall Street - we knew this client, I’ll call him Mel, whose head was so far up his own ass, he was so smug, so condescending, so humorless, so opinionated, so arrogant that nobody could stand to be around him. But because he was a client, nobody ever said anything.

One day, after listening to this guy spew his proclamations at a stuffy bar – he didn’t really talk to people as much as he issued statements – I was walking out with a guy I worked with, a nice guy but a guy I didn’t really know well, and then he said;

“I’m sorry, I know Mel is a big client and makes us a lot of money and all, but I just hate that freakin’ guy.”

Oh my lord. At that instant I was the closest I have ever been to suddenly turning gay. (not that there is a thing wrong with it) No lie, I wanted to grab him and hug him for saying that.

How do guys like that Mel guy get and stay so successful? It absolutely amazes me. I picture his co-workers – especially his long-suffering assistant – sobbing themselves to sleep at night and having to point a gun at their heads to get themselves into work. Let alone take his BS day in and day out.

Hollywood has a lot of those guys. Of course, a lot of it has to do with how much money they make someone. The more money you make people, the more they can stand. There was a mega producer named Don Simpson who was the cartoonish epitome of a blowhard, difficult, booze and drug and whore-humping little-weiner Hollywood a-hole. When he died of a drug overdose, you could actually feel a sigh of relief come from the entire city of Los Angeles.

The supermodel Gia was supposedly so horrible that, when she died, the only thing close to nice anybody had to say about her was her agent’s assistant who said;

“When she was alive I spent a lot of time and energy trying to avoid her. It will be a lot easier now that she is dead.”

And Gia wasn't close to as bad as assistant-beater Naomi Campbell. (Sorry Naomi Watts. Thanks Mark Snake)

It's like the old joke when the universally despised financial big shot died, at the funeral, the Rabbi said;

"I did not know this man personally, so could somebody who knew him please say something nice about him? Please? Nobody? Nobody has anything, not one single nice thing to say about this man?"

From the back of the Synagogue, one old codger yells out:

"His brother was worse."

And yet, when you hear these egomaniacs rant, they always have these great, great wonderful friends they’ve known for twenty years. They have a couple they share a villa in Tuscany with every summer. They play golf with the same foursome at the exclusive country club every week. They co-own a yacht with their childhood friend. How is that possible? Who are the people who actually, gulp, like this guy when any sane and decent person automatically despises them?

It happens. Hell, ABC even gave a show to one of them called “The Apprentice.”
Since you asked:

One of the things I love about my new found love, Stand Up Paddleboarding, besides the simplicity – just a board and a paddle - the pureness and dynamic possibilities – you can surf, ride over waves, race, cruise in any direction – is how cool it sounds when you say the word Paddleboard.

The word Paddleboard just bounces off the tongue in a tropical frolic. Just saying the word Paddleboard congers up the smell of the ocean, suntan lotion, grilled shrimp, and the cool taste of a frosty beer after an invigorating and exhausting surf session.

In terms of cool sounding words in sports it is right up there with the five dollar Nassau golf bet and baseball’s suicide squeeze play. In football, quarterback is a cool sounding word. Saying cover two defense makes you sound like you know more about football than you really do but it isn’t really cool sounding.

In track the best sounding words are pole vault. Hockey has cool sounds when it is being played like the way golf has cool sounds. In hockey there is the sound of blades on ice, the boards getting pounded the buzzer going off. Golf has the best sound outside of baseball’s crack of the ball on a wooden bat. Love the clickity clackity sound of golf from the clubs hitting together to the cleats on the cement to a club crisply hitting the ball.

The problem is the sounds and terms of golf make me so hungry that all I can think about is eating a steak with a stiff drink at the 19th hole. First of all, nothing fires up an appetite – besides a session in the ocean, the ocean makes you so hungry you could eat a horse burrito – like being outside for four hours playing golf.

Even the golf announcers on TV make you slobber for a juicy steak when they describe a shot as landing center cut. Doesn’t center cut make you want a steak? And the clickity clack sounds of the cleats and the clubs just seem to go hand in hand with the gentle tinkle of ice in a tumbler full of an adult beverage in the clubhouse bar.

One of these days I am going to make a lot of money so I can afford to hire Sam “Beef, it’s what’s for dinner” Elliot to say:

“Stand Up Paddleboarding, a T-Bone steak and a Vodka Martini on the rocks. Now that’s living, partner.”

It will be worth every penny.