Friday, July 13, 2007

Rap and tap and snap it backs and hold it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Putting the BS in CBS
Things are not going well for Katie Couric at “CBS Evening News.” The ratings are low, tensions are high and if all that wasn’t enough, the “Sixty Minutes” old dudes keep calling Katie Lucille Ball.

French NBA star Tony Parker gave his wife, Eva Longoria, a wedding ring with 107 diamonds on it. Upon hearing this, Kobe Bryant said; “Wow, he has already had 107 affairs?”

Not so juicy
OJ Simpson turned 60 this week. To give you an idea how old he is, OJ actually can’t remember where he buried the knife.

Oh we kid the French
French NBA star Tony Parker gave his wife, Eva Longoria, a wedding ring with 107 diamonds on it. That is one diamond for every year since the French have won a battle.

Make a wish and blow out those hot fire thingies
Happy 27th birthday to Jessica Simpson or as she calls it “Ten fingers plus ten fingers plus seven fingers.”

Not good
Intelligence reports indicate al Qaeda is growing stronger and stronger. That has to make John McCain feel bad that al Qaeda is doing better than he is.

To be more precise
Katherine Zeta Jones said the line that worked from Michael Douglass was “I want to be the father of your children.” That’s sweet but wouldn’t it be more accurate if he said; “I want to be the grandfather of your children”?

Thursday, July 12, 2007

We gonna drop some righteous wisdom on their narrow behinds, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
It was so hot in Washington, President Bush pardoned Ben and Jerry.

It was so hot in New York, “CBS Evening News” staff wanted to get slapped by Katie Couric just to feel the breeze made by her hand.

It was so hot in New York city, the rats left Taco Bell/KFC to go to Seven-Eleven for a Slurpy.

It was so hot in New York, the cab drivers were fanning themselves with their middle fingers

It was so hot in Los Angeles people were huddling next to Ben Affleck just to feel his career cool down.

It was so hot in Los Angeles people were going to see Michael Richard’s stand up act just to feel the icy stares from black people.

It was so hot in Los Angeles Paris Hilton tried to break parole just to get back in the cooler.

It was so hot in Los Angeles, Nicole Richey ate an entire popsicle.

It is so hot in Washington people are sweating like President George W. Bush watching “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?”

It was so hot in DC, Ann Coulter went over to John and Elisabeth Edward’s house just to get the cold shoulder

Yikes he sucked
Did you see the poor guy from San Diego at the All Star game trying to hit the ball from the batting tee in the “Taco Bell Swing For a Million” contest? Not to exaggerate how bad he did but the sponsor should have been the diet drug Alli because this poor slob was crappy.

The times they are a changin’
Seattle Mariner Ichiro Suzuki was named the All Star MVP. That shows you how things have changed, our All Star baseball MVP is Japanese and the most popular electronic device, iPhone, is made by an American company.

Both ways
Republican family values congressman Dave Vitter admitted to using a prostitute. Apparently the entire experience was sleazy, humiliating and disgusting. And besides the hooker having to sleep with a congressman, it wasn’t very good for Vitter either.

Them too
This week was the annual Pamplona running of the bulls. People have been trying to stop this saying it is cruel for the poor, stupid animals who don’t know better. And it can be hard on the bulls.

Oh, Lex, really? Is that what you got on this? Really?
In New Hampshire a man robbed a bank disguised as a tree. He thought it would aid in his getaway to help him (wait for it, wait for it) leave.

Ten years gone
The American League started its All Star winning streak in 1997. Clinton was in his second term, “Titanic” was in theaters and, in an ironic twist, Michael Jackson’s wife was the one who had a boy.

And you would have deserved it
To give you an idea how long its been since the National League won the All Star game, in 1996 if you asked a woman if you could Google her Wikipedia with your Palm Pilot, she would have slapped you.

Big gap
The Los Angeles Galaxy pro soccer team is set to debut Friday with David Beckham who makes $6.5 mil a year starting along with Ty Harder, who makes $30,000 a year. That has to be the largest discrepancy in salary since the first “American Idol” movie “From Justin To Kelly.”

A Massachusetts man tried to avoid jury duty by telling the judge he was a liar, a racist and homophobic. He not only got out of jury duty, he got a job as Ann Coulter’s publicist.

Oh, that’s nice
Happy 27th birthday to Jessica Simpson. It was wild, Jessica made a wish, blew out her candles, and boom, suddenly Mensa lowered their IQ requirement to 75.

Marketing experts
Boeing has launched their new 787 luxury plane they call the Dreamliner. Doesn’t Dreamliner sound like a new feminine hygiene product from Stayfree? The Dreamliner. You’ll hardly know they’re there.

Since you asked:

In the grand scheme of crimes against humanity, products that are difficult to open are pretty low on the list. But as this is a pet peeve of mine, and, as we all know, my credo is “Everything is about Lex and those things that aren’t about Lex should be about Lex, you selfish bastards”, here we go.

What makes difficult packaging so aggravating is the message that it seems to send: What do we care if the package is hard to open? We have your money, douche bag.

You actually mean to tell me that not one employee at the plant thought to say;

“Hey, let’s open this puppy up and check it out. Wow, this is a real pain in the ass to open. We should do something about that.”

The lack of consumer empathy is why Radio Shack would have to be the sole providers of the Save Lex’s Life machine for me to buy something there. One day I landed a freelance job to write an interview, so I stopped off at Radio Shack to buy a digital recorder. Half an hour and almost five freeway accidents later, I was finally able to pry open the incredibly annoying hard plastic packaging.

And that was with scissors. (Note to self: hire people with industrial scissors to stand outside Radio Shack and Wherehouse to get paid to open emerging customer's packages. They will be called LL: Lex's Liberators)

This Radio Shack thing is the same reason that Blockbuster would have to be the only ones with a copy of the DVD “How To Save Lex’s Life” for me to rent from them. You mean to tell me not one of those snotty dweeb Blockbuster clerks hasn’t tried to rent something from their own store? Because if a Blockbuster clerk had tried to rent from Blockbuster, I imagine they would say:

“Wow, not one clerk will get off their lazy ass and show me where a movie is? And why do those lazy clerks suddenly get so diligent when it comes to helping other lazy people who call from home when I am here in person? And why do those lazy-ass, rude Blockbuster cashiers always go on break whenever a line forms? What do you mean the religious-nut execs at Blockbuster edited out parts of this movie? ”

Leave it to American ingenuity.

Those rude, lazy Blockbuster clerks is why TiVo, DVR’s and Netflix were invented. Those pimply punked out apathetic movie ushers dispensing $20 boxes of popcorn at a glacial pace so you can pay to watch twenty minutes of commercials while the tool next to you yammers on his cell phone is why Hi Def 50 inch plasma screens and Surround Sound were invented. Those arrogant, pseudo-intellectual snots working at the bookstores is why was formed. The bored, indifferent, uncaring shrug from the fat, pony-tailed record store cashier when you said your new album had a scratch printed on it when you bought it is why CDs and iPods were invented.

The fact that our Country has historically had the laziest, most ignorant, rudest and most inept service industry in the world – besides France – is why we lead the world in technology. We have to invent machines to compensate for how truly lazy and horrible we are.

Combating and replacing rude, inconsiderate and generally bad service is an American art form.

Now if we could just come up with a way to digitally replace the French.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Runnin’ and gunnin’ and funnin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

One of the top sponsors for the AT&T National tournamentp broadcast in DC was the erectile dysfunction drug makers of Cialus. Is that money well spent? One thing a guy who sat around watching golf all day is not getting is laid.

The World Series of Poker has begun in Las Vegas with many celebrity players including Ben Affleck. Is anybody surprised that Ben Affleck is good at poker? His last five movies have been straight flushes.

Nicole Richey is reportedly pregnant. At first people thought she was drinking again because it looked like she swallowed an olive.

Clay Aiken reportedly got in a scuffle on an airplane with a woman.. There was sobbing, hair-pulling, screaming, scratching, slapping. And the woman got upset as well.

The Spice Girls are getting back together. Now that they’re older, instead of being called Posh Spice, Scary Spice, Ginger Spice, Sporty Spice and Baby Spice, now it’s Hot Flash Spice, Stretch-mark Spice, Metamucil Spice, Cranky Spice and Why Did I Come In Here? Spice.

A European study claims wine can prevent gum diseases and bacteria in the mouth. Apparently these researchers have not smelled David Hasselhof’s breath.

There is a nasty rumor circulating Hollywood that, due to her over-use of muscle relaxants, “American Idol” host Paula Abdul has had, well, bowel control incidents. Although we don’t know if it is true, if it is, it certainly explains the grumpy look on Simon Cowell’s face.

The diet drug Alli is selling well despite disclaimers that it causes uncontrollable diarrhea to the point the drug maker suggest Alli users carry spare pants. How fat and lazy have we become when we actually choose pooping our pants over diet and exercise?

Guess who turned Sixty yesterday? OJ Simpson. OJ celebrated in his usual way: he played pin the tale on the real killers.