Friday, March 02, 2007

It is hard out here

Go on ahead now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A switch
The stock market was down at one point 500 points yesterday because of a severe drop in the Chinese market. That’s a switch, Americans getting tanked by the Chinese.

Not again
Some bad news for Al Gore. The Supreme Court just awarded Al’s Oscar to George W. Bush.

That whacky Paris
In Hollywood, Paris Hilton was cited for driving on a suspended license. It was awkward when the arresting officer told Paris she didn’t have to get on her knees to take the breathalyzer test and that that wasn’t the breathalyzer.

The British are pulling out of Iraq but Vice President Dick Cheney claimed this as a good sign. Of course this is a guy who thinks shooting your friend in the face is a form of bonding.

I am the King of the Weird
“Titanic” director James Cameron claims he has discovered the bones of Jesus Christ. Man, James Brown, Anna Nicole Smith, now Jesus Christ, can’t anyone get and stay buried anymore?

“Titanic” director James Cameron claims he has discovered the bones of Jesus Christ and his wife. Jesus was married. That was one wedding that didn’t run out of booze. “Hey Jesus, we’re out of wine, here’s some water, make some more.”

Get it?
Former Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda is allegedly on the list of customers in a new biography due out by the Hollywood madam, Jody “Babydoll” Gibson. If true, this would bring an entire new spelling and meaning to the term Dodger Blue.  

Paging Charlie Sheen
Thanks to a tell-all biography due out by the Hollywood madam, Jody “Babydoll” Gibson Hollywood actors are issuing more denials than Michael Jackson after Halloween.  

Among the celebrities to be named in the biography as alleged customers of Hollywood madam, Jody “Babydoll” Gibson, is Ben Affleck. It turns out the movie “Gigli” wasn’t the only thing about Ben that really sucked.

Among the celebrities to be named in the biography as alleged customers of Hollywood madam, Jody “Babydoll” Gibson, is Bruce Willis. Look for Willis’s new sequel; “Sixty Nineth Sense.”

Green machine
A think tank has revealed that Al Gore’s Tennessee home used twenty times the average amount of power. Gore could not be reached for comment as he was flying in his chartered jet at the time.

Just like ol’ times
Kevin Federline brought their two kids to Britney Spears at the Malibu rehab facility on Saturday; it was just like old times. K-Fed took a nap and Britney dropped the kids.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

It is hard out here

Swing low sweet Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hard to plug into the ground
Gold medal Olympic wrestler Rulon Gardner escaped a downed plane and a freezing night in the desert to escape his fourth brush with death. This guy is harder to bury than James Brown.

How cold is it?
Another winter storm in the East. It was so cold in New York City the rats at Taco Bell ordered extra hot sauce just to stay warm.

Since you asked:

Hello. My name is Lex (“Hello, Lex”) and I watched “American Idol” and liked it.

What is the deal with that stupid show? Not many working parts. Not expensive to produce. And we can’t stop watching it. Even my daughter is hooked.

Simon Cowell is way too in love with being Simon Cowell but without him and his brutal honesty that dog flat out doesn’t hunt. Simon is right most of the time but he has almost no sense of passion or crowd excitement. He is very voice oriented and there are countless examples of great singers in rock alone who don’t have great voices.

Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Joe Cocker, Bono, Tom Petty, Sheryl Crowe, Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton. The list is endless.

They don’t have classical opera-like pipes but they have soul, texture and character, three things missing from Simon Cowell’s personality and vocabulary.

Once again, to channel steady, ready Teddy R, it is not the critic who counts nor those poor cold timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat, but I must quote the great Triumph The Insult Comic Dog from “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” comment about Simon Cowell:

“You tell people they have no talent? That is like poop telling vomit it stinks.”

For my next project, I am going to write a sketch of some of those famous rockers I just mentioned auditioning for Simon Cowell and how he would crucify them.

Can you see Joe Cocker going before Simon Cowell?

"You are so beautiful to me . . ."

“OK, for the love of decency stop right now. You are not so beautiful to me. In fact, you’re making my ears hurt. Did you gargle with broken glass? And what is with the spastic hand gestures? Are you having a seizure of some kind? And simply what is wrong with your facial expressions? You look like somebody relieved themselves in your Corn Flakes. Horrible, simply horrible. The other door, Joe.”

Or how about Neil Young singing the classic “Heart of Gold”?

“I wanna live, I wanna give . . .”

“Stop, please, stop. I, on the other hand, no longer want to live. Is that a voice you have or is somebody torturing your kitty cat? Do you mind if I ask if you are totally or just partially tone deaf?”

Or Bob Dylan singing "Tangled Up in Blue"?

"Tangled up in blue . . ."

"I'm afraid your tongue is tangled up in you. Bob Dylan? Bob's not your Uncle I'm afraid. Do us all a great kindness and spit out the marbles you seem to be packing in your mouth. You are the first contestant who required captions in English."

Janis Joplin singing “Cry Baby”?

“Cry, cry, baby . . .”

“Darling, your hair is about to make me cry. Honestly, which bus station did you sleep in last night? Granted you have passion, but someone needs to teach you that screaming and singing are two different things. You’re pitchy and all over the place. Honestly, I want Paula to take you home and give you a bath.”

And, finally, Mick Jagger singing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”?

“You can’t always get what you want . . .”

“I could get what I want if you would just stop the incessant catterwauling. Love the accent, love, but your lips are scaring me half to death. If all of that wasn’t annoying enough I can’t stop laughing at your peacock-like preening and prancing, excuse my alliteration. My word, if you have to go pee, go stand in the Q for the loo.”

Let’s Review Lex’s comedy jargon:

The moose hoof
Another winter storm in the East.

The San Marcos Pass
It was so cold in New York City,

The cardio spreader laden punctuating impact Nassau
The rats at Taco Bell ordered extra hot sauce to stay warm

Solid single with a wide turn at first.

(Polite applause)

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

It is hard out here

We all about the all about the all about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Fierce night
Sunday night was the Academy Awards or as it is otherwise known: “The Gay Super Bowl.”

Everyone is a winner
Jack Nicholson didn’t win an academy award, but the night wasn’t a total loss. Jack did win the Britney Spears look-alike contest.

You would get sick too
Iraqi President Jalal Talabani fell ill and was flown to Jordan for treatment. Talabini fell ill when it suddenly dawned on him that he was the President of Iraq.

So cute
There was a nasty feud on “American Idol” when Simon Cowel called Ryan “Sweetheart” and Ryan became upset. Ryan prefers Simon call him “My widdle butter muffins.”

So mean to the French
Upon hearing Denmark and Great Briton are withdrawing from Iraq, France became jealous and entered Iraq just so they could retreat.

She was p.o.’d.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have been fighting. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Hillary got so furious at Barack, she flew into a rage and accidentally called him Bill.

Rat attack
There was a news clip of a New York City Taco Bell overrun by rats. The good news is, because it was in Greenwich Village, they were gay rats so they only went after the tofu burritos.

There was a news clip of a New York City Taco Bell overrun by rats. The good news is that rats are leaving the New York City Taco Bell, the bad news is the rats left because they all got sick with e-coli.

New Jersey Nets star Jason Kidd is in a messy divorce with his psycho wife Joumana, who claims Kidd threw a cookie at her. In response, a defiant Kidd replied it may have been a mistake to throw a cookie at her, throwing a Ho Ho would have been more appropriate.

A Romanian woman swallowed her lover’s upper dentures during sex and then she elected to expel them naturally. Ouch, talk about getting your butt chewed out.

Green my butt
Al Gore won an Academy Award for his global warming documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.” Then Gore and his ten secret service agents climbed into their ten separate stretch limos to rush to their waiting fuel-burning private jet.

Since you asked:

One thing you notice, no matter what profession, people love to talk in work-related jargon to try and sound impressive. Everyone, no matter whether they are stuffing tortillas with rat meat at Taco Bell or performing brain surgery, loves to use technical, industry specific secret nicknames and terms.

It is a sort of “The Sting” like nose finger fllick signal that you are an insider.

Is there any good reason why a quarterback runs up to the huddle and shouts:

“Green swivel hot route, bay cat seven, sky diesel sconch, suitcase boiler jimmy rig red dog skipper seven”?

No, he could easily say;

“Jim, you run towards the goal posts, Dwight, cut across the middle and Dave, I’ll chuck it long.”

But that wouldn’t sound near-wise as cool.

Since there really aren’t many moving parts to writing stupid jokes, I am going to make up my own fake terms and use them to describe crafting a joke.

Normally you have a premise, or topic, then a set up, and then the punch line, sometimes followed by the scorcher. To a degree I suppose those are technical terms, but everyone knows what they mean when they hear them.

From now on the premise or topic is now called the moose hoof. Why? It needs to make a big impression, so it is now called the moose hoof.

The moose hoof leads into the set up which I will now label the San Marcos Pass. (There is a road that goes into the mountains above Santa Barbara called San Marcos Pass and I have always loved the sound of it, so that is now what the set up is)

The punch line is now the punctuating impact Nassau. (I’ve always loved the sound of the golf bet Nassau, it sounds so shaken-not-stirred James Bondish) And the scorcher is now the end game funk jammer. (When in doubt use nautical or jazz terms. Jammer is both)

Moose foot to San Marcos Pass, then punctuating impact Nassau followed sometimes by the end game funk jammer.

Now for the topics.

Politicians are Baby kissers.

The President is POTUS (President of the United States)

Actors are Romeos.

Fast food joints are Cardio spreaders.

Actresses are Sarah B’s for Sarah Bernherdt, the hammy silent movie star.

Sports jokes are Jock rockers. Medical jokes are RX’s. Sex jokes are Bumping Nasties. Political jokes are vote killers. Lawyer jokes are amby chasers. Terrorists are rag lighters.

Hookers are nookie coiners, and sluts are skank yankers.

With these terms plus other creative substitutions for regular terms and this describes the following joke:

There was a suicide bomb attack a half mile from the base where the Vice President was located. Authorities aren’t clear on the identity of the attacker but at this point they suspect a vengeful quail-hunting attorney.

So the Moose hoof is a rag lighter, the San Marcos Pass is that the rag lighter dots his I a half click near the V. Potus. The punctuating impact Nassau is that the rag lighter is really a fowl-shooting Amby Chaser, no end game funk jammer needed.


Of course, how a joke does is given a baseball hit reference, single, double, stand up double, triple, home run, grand slam or strike out. Unless you need to resort to the explosion references. It bombed is the opposite of it killed.

A Howitzer is a joke whose punctuation impact Nassau is repeated again later. (Letterman is a master of this, turning a bomb into a solid stand up triple simply by giving it multiple Howitzers)

And pulling a Johnny C (Carson) is when you pungle the bunch line but do so in a funny way.

"Yeah, I blew the Nassau on my Paris Hilton crank yanker but Johnny C'd it by later Howitzering it with my Madonna/Sarah B end game funk jammer and turned it from a pop up into a sliding double."

Sniff, teeth suck. Oh yeah, beeee buuhhhh.

Monday, February 26, 2007

It is hard out here

Lex would like to thank the Academy, his agent, his manager, his publicist and a whole lot of other people nobody else cares about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Peter O’Toole was denied an Oscar on his eighth nomination. I’m starting to think it wasn’t a good move politically, the year he lost his third nomination, when O’Toole got drunk, donned a penis suit and ran out on stage singing; “All of me, why not take all of me?”

I don’t want to say British actor Peter O’Toole is bitter about not getting an Oscar on his eighth nomination, but today he legally changed his name to Peter O’Tooled.

The day after the Oscars is the busiest negotiating day in Hollywood. Not for film projects, it’s when agents argue with limousine owners to try and get back their deposits despite the vomit.

It was a great Oscar night for lesbians. Ellen DeGeneris did a fine job hosting, Melissa Ethridge won the Oscar for best song, and Al Gore did not announce he’d run against Hillary Clinton.  

At the Academy Awards, it was mentioned that best supporting actor nominee Mark Wahlberg has been arrested over 25 times. And here I didn’t even know Wahlberg played for the Bengals.

So is Jack Nicholson Britney’s father?

Is it just me or does anyone else think it is just shameful how the Academy snubbed “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigilo”?

Is it just me or does it seem like Hollywood has a crush on Al Gore? If they like Al so much why don’t they marry him and have like a million of his babies?

When is the Academy going to learn we do not care about any – and I mean any – of the technical crap awards? We don’t really care about the producer either. Just give us the best movie, best actor, best actress, best supporting actor, best supporting actress, best song, and that’s about it. With more from the host and better bits.  

The whole thing should be over in one hour. They can do the mutual masturbation awards on their own time. And they can have a separate show for thanking all the people we don’t care about. Instead just give one great story.  

Since you asked:
The “Sports Illustrated” cover jinx is alive and well. The Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella and slugger Alfonso Soriano were on the cover Thursday and today the Cubs were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.

France has decided to support Palatines militant group Hamas and their leader Abbas. Unless Abbas and Hamas encompass an impasse than, alas, for Paris, it is no mas, ne’st pas?

Barry Bonds has refused to cooperate in a baseball steroid investigation headed my former Senate Majority leader George Mitchell. How big an ego do you have to have to refuse a former Senate majority leader? If Bonds isn’t careful, he could be accused of getting a big head.