It is hard out here
Swing low sweet Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Hard to plug into the ground
Gold medal Olympic wrestler Rulon Gardner escaped a downed plane and a freezing night in the desert to escape his fourth brush with death. This guy is harder to bury than James Brown.
How cold is it?
Another winter storm in the East. It was so cold in New York City the rats at Taco Bell ordered extra hot sauce just to stay warm.
Since you asked:
Hello. My name is Lex (“Hello, Lex”) and I watched “American Idol” and liked it.
What is the deal with that stupid show? Not many working parts. Not expensive to produce. And we can’t stop watching it. Even my daughter is hooked.
Simon Cowell is way too in love with being Simon Cowell but without him and his brutal honesty that dog flat out doesn’t hunt. Simon is right most of the time but he has almost no sense of passion or crowd excitement. He is very voice oriented and there are countless examples of great singers in rock alone who don’t have great voices.
Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Joe Cocker, Bono, Tom Petty, Sheryl Crowe, Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton. The list is endless.
They don’t have classical opera-like pipes but they have soul, texture and character, three things missing from Simon Cowell’s personality and vocabulary.
Once again, to channel steady, ready Teddy R, it is not the critic who counts nor those poor cold timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat, but I must quote the great Triumph The Insult Comic Dog from “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” comment about Simon Cowell:
“You tell people they have no talent? That is like poop telling vomit it stinks.”
For my next project, I am going to write a sketch of some of those famous rockers I just mentioned auditioning for Simon Cowell and how he would crucify them.
Can you see Joe Cocker going before Simon Cowell?
Joe:
"You are so beautiful to me . . ."
Simon:
“OK, for the love of decency stop right now. You are not so beautiful to me. In fact, you’re making my ears hurt. Did you gargle with broken glass? And what is with the spastic hand gestures? Are you having a seizure of some kind? And simply what is wrong with your facial expressions? You look like somebody relieved themselves in your Corn Flakes. Horrible, simply horrible. The other door, Joe.”
Or how about Neil Young singing the classic “Heart of Gold”?
Neil:
“I wanna live, I wanna give . . .”
Simon:
“Stop, please, stop. I, on the other hand, no longer want to live. Is that a voice you have or is somebody torturing your kitty cat? Do you mind if I ask if you are totally or just partially tone deaf?”
Or Bob Dylan singing "Tangled Up in Blue"?
Bob:
"Tangled up in blue . . ."
Simon:
"I'm afraid your tongue is tangled up in you. Bob Dylan? Bob's not your Uncle I'm afraid. Do us all a great kindness and spit out the marbles you seem to be packing in your mouth. You are the first contestant who required captions in English."
Janis Joplin singing “Cry Baby”?
Janis:
“Cry, cry, baby . . .”
Simon:
“Darling, your hair is about to make me cry. Honestly, which bus station did you sleep in last night? Granted you have passion, but someone needs to teach you that screaming and singing are two different things. You’re pitchy and all over the place. Honestly, I want Paula to take you home and give you a bath.”
And, finally, Mick Jagger singing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”?
Mick:
“You can’t always get what you want . . .”
Simon:
“I could get what I want if you would just stop the incessant catterwauling. Love the accent, love, but your lips are scaring me half to death. If all of that wasn’t annoying enough I can’t stop laughing at your peacock-like preening and prancing, excuse my alliteration. My word, if you have to go pee, go stand in the Q for the loo.”
Let’s Review Lex’s comedy jargon:
The moose hoof
Another winter storm in the East.
The San Marcos Pass
It was so cold in New York City,
The cardio spreader laden punctuating impact Nassau
The rats at Taco Bell ordered extra hot sauce to stay warm
Solid single with a wide turn at first.
(Polite applause)
Hard to plug into the ground
Gold medal Olympic wrestler Rulon Gardner escaped a downed plane and a freezing night in the desert to escape his fourth brush with death. This guy is harder to bury than James Brown.
How cold is it?
Another winter storm in the East. It was so cold in New York City the rats at Taco Bell ordered extra hot sauce just to stay warm.
Since you asked:
Hello. My name is Lex (“Hello, Lex”) and I watched “American Idol” and liked it.
What is the deal with that stupid show? Not many working parts. Not expensive to produce. And we can’t stop watching it. Even my daughter is hooked.
Simon Cowell is way too in love with being Simon Cowell but without him and his brutal honesty that dog flat out doesn’t hunt. Simon is right most of the time but he has almost no sense of passion or crowd excitement. He is very voice oriented and there are countless examples of great singers in rock alone who don’t have great voices.
Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Joe Cocker, Bono, Tom Petty, Sheryl Crowe, Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton. The list is endless.
They don’t have classical opera-like pipes but they have soul, texture and character, three things missing from Simon Cowell’s personality and vocabulary.
Once again, to channel steady, ready Teddy R, it is not the critic who counts nor those poor cold timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat, but I must quote the great Triumph The Insult Comic Dog from “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” comment about Simon Cowell:
“You tell people they have no talent? That is like poop telling vomit it stinks.”
For my next project, I am going to write a sketch of some of those famous rockers I just mentioned auditioning for Simon Cowell and how he would crucify them.
Can you see Joe Cocker going before Simon Cowell?
Joe:
"You are so beautiful to me . . ."
Simon:
“OK, for the love of decency stop right now. You are not so beautiful to me. In fact, you’re making my ears hurt. Did you gargle with broken glass? And what is with the spastic hand gestures? Are you having a seizure of some kind? And simply what is wrong with your facial expressions? You look like somebody relieved themselves in your Corn Flakes. Horrible, simply horrible. The other door, Joe.”
Or how about Neil Young singing the classic “Heart of Gold”?
Neil:
“I wanna live, I wanna give . . .”
Simon:
“Stop, please, stop. I, on the other hand, no longer want to live. Is that a voice you have or is somebody torturing your kitty cat? Do you mind if I ask if you are totally or just partially tone deaf?”
Or Bob Dylan singing "Tangled Up in Blue"?
Bob:
"Tangled up in blue . . ."
Simon:
"I'm afraid your tongue is tangled up in you. Bob Dylan? Bob's not your Uncle I'm afraid. Do us all a great kindness and spit out the marbles you seem to be packing in your mouth. You are the first contestant who required captions in English."
Janis Joplin singing “Cry Baby”?
Janis:
“Cry, cry, baby . . .”
Simon:
“Darling, your hair is about to make me cry. Honestly, which bus station did you sleep in last night? Granted you have passion, but someone needs to teach you that screaming and singing are two different things. You’re pitchy and all over the place. Honestly, I want Paula to take you home and give you a bath.”
And, finally, Mick Jagger singing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”?
Mick:
“You can’t always get what you want . . .”
Simon:
“I could get what I want if you would just stop the incessant catterwauling. Love the accent, love, but your lips are scaring me half to death. If all of that wasn’t annoying enough I can’t stop laughing at your peacock-like preening and prancing, excuse my alliteration. My word, if you have to go pee, go stand in the Q for the loo.”
Let’s Review Lex’s comedy jargon:
The moose hoof
Another winter storm in the East.
The San Marcos Pass
It was so cold in New York City,
The cardio spreader laden punctuating impact Nassau
The rats at Taco Bell ordered extra hot sauce to stay warm
Solid single with a wide turn at first.
(Polite applause)
posted by Alex at
12:17 PM
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