Friday, December 01, 2006

It is hard out here

Who said what the hell to who now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The thoughtful gift
For Christmas, you can get somebody a McDonalds Christmas gift card. This year give the gift that says; “Here, slappy, I think you’re too damn broke and dumb to buy a Big Mac on your own.”

Good luck, skippy
Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are getting divorced. For those guys who think they have a shot with the newly single Pamela Anderson, log on to

Pill that kills the swimmers
British scientists are working on a male birth control pill. The way the pill works is that the male takes the pill two hours before having sex, so, guys, take it one hour before you start begging.

British scientists are working on a male birth control pill. The pill affects the muscles that control ejaculation, so the result is a dry ejaculation. If Bill Clinton had that pill, he never would have been impeached.

British scientists are working on a male birth control pill. The way the pill works is that the male takes the pill two hours before having sex so that it can work one minute later.

Kevin Federline tried that male contraceptive pill and he didn’t like it. It got stuck and he couldn’t pee for two days.

British scientists are working on a male birth control pill. The pill takes a couple of hours for it to work for just a few minutes. So it’s called the Kevin Federline.

A dry ejaculation? Isn’t that kind of like a tranquil explosion?

But he was OK with that one
Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are getting divorced because Kid Rock was furious at Pamela’s role in the movie “Borat.” Uh, but he was OK with her performance in her Tommy Lee video?

Not an easy sell
Michael Richards is now defending an earlier anti-Semitic rant by claiming he is Jewish. The problem? He isn’t Jewish. Good thing Richards didn’t try this ploy after his recent rant, he would have a hard time trying to claim he is black.

Long time
Snoop Dog was arrested after appearing on “The Tonight Show” and charged with weapon and drug possession. This is Snoop Dog’s third arrest in three months. Snoop could go away for five years. Which is 35 in Snoop Dog years.

Just kidding
A new British study reveals that women talk three times more than men. This also explains why men don’t live as long as women. We don’t want to.

Channel Fierce
Starting January there will be the first free all gay television station from Key West, W-GAY. It’s different from other TV stations. Instead of “Two and a Half Men” it will have “One Seven and Three Quarters Man.”

It will have “CSI: Skipper’s SoHo Loft.”

Since you asked:

Time-Warner cable? I have three words for you: You are such (adding a fourth) crap.

Time-Warner is blaming the NFL for not playing ball but somehow Cox cable and Direct TV managed to get the NFL channel for their customers. But Time-Warner is OK with leaving their 15 million (of which I am one) in the lurch on Thanksgiving and tonight. What a load.

Bitter is the word I use to describe, all the feelings that I have for you deep inside . . .

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

It is hard out here

Swing that thing ‘til it got no sting, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That’s probably it
Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are getting divorced after just four months of wedded bliss. Pamela cited irreconcilable differences. Primarily the irreconcilable difference in size from Tommy Lee to Kid Rock.

Merry Christmas, ya big dope
The big item this Christmas is gift cards. Give a gift card this Christmas and give the gift that tells your loved ones; “I think you’re too stupid to know where to spend this money on your own.”

That makes sense
Michael Jackson is going to attend a Christmas party thrown by his fans in Japan. What drinks do they serve at a Michael Jackson Christmas party? Baby Jesus juice.

A new study reveals that women talk three times more than men and actually get an intoxicating buzz from hearing themselves talk. In a related story, the women of “The View” were immediately admitted to “The Betty Ford” rehab facility.

A new study reveals that women talk three times more than men. In equally shocking news to men, another study reveals that dogs bark.

A new study reveals that women talk three times more than men. Is that a shock? Have you ever seen a man try and get in a word on “The View”? They look like a drunk trying to stagger across the track during the Indianapolis 500.

Not spry Sly
Sylvester Stallone has made his sixth Rocky movie. This one is called “Rocky 6, The Early Bird Special.”

Sylvester Stallone has made his sixth Rocky movie. Sly is getting older. In “Rocky 6” Rocky doesn’t punch frozen sides of beef cracking the ribs like in the first movie, now he just kind of flicks his finger at his Dennys skirt steak.

That sounds about right
Insiders say that O.J. Simpson received $3 million upfront for his book “If I Did It”. That works out to about one million for every word that’s true.

Where's the beef?
TV Land is counting down TV’s greatest catch phrases, like Here’s Johnny, Got Milk?, Yabba Dabba Do and Michael Richard’s “Shut the F up.”

The Denzel Washington’s movie “Déjà vu” is in theaters. Again. For some reason I think I’ve seen this “Déjà vu” movie before.

One of the big food items this holiday is the Turducken: a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey. And you could stuff a hamburger into a meatloaf stuffed into a pot roast. Or as Rosie O’Donnell calls that: lunch. .

Since you asked:

How about that George Clooney on “The Late Show with David Letterman”? What a load that dork is. Sheesh.

But seriously, for one of those pretty-boy fancy-drawers movie stars, George does look like he would be a great hang. All the qualities of a great guy to hang with: funny, easy going, self-deprecating, great at rat f*@king his buddies, good drinker, lots of cash and contacts. The problem? No woman would have anything to do with any guy –yes, even me - after comparing him to George freakin’ Clooney. Now that’s what I call a problem.

Sorry, George, that is too much of a deficit for this Gaucho to overcome. You don’t get to hang with me. No, don’t argue, I’ve made up my mind. You and Matt, Brad and those other Ocean 11,12,13 and 14 losers are on your own. Good luck. You’re gonna need it, Cha Cha.

The lone wolf? C’est moi. Arrrrrrrrrr arrr arrrrr arrrrrrreeeeeeeeewww

(And that is how we play “Lex is a sad, deluded nut job)

Polite applause

It is hard out here

It gonna do what it gonna do, baby Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good
The New York Giants looked horrible losing a 21 point lead to the Tennessee Titans, 24-21. In fact, the Giants performance was so horrible, today they apologized on Jesse Jackson’s radio show.

Close one
“Monday Night Football” featured the Green Bay Packers against the Seattle Seahawks in the battle to determine who has the palest fans.

How about all the snow on field in Seattle? For the first time the field was whiter than the Seahawks and Packer fans.

Not selling well
Have you started Christmas shopping? One item that isn’t doing well is that new Michael Richards doll, Heckle Me Elmo.

What was he thinking?
Kevin Federline has said that the reason he and Britney Spears are getting divorced is because she wanted to do a threesome with another woman, and he didn’t want to. Forget about a divorce, this idiot should be shot.

Upon hearing this, Saddam Hussein said; “Now that guy deserves to be hanged.”

Well, sure, you can’t blame Kevin, three people on his couch would be too crowded.

Kevin Federline has said that the reason he and Britney Spears are getting divorced is because she wanted a threesome with another woman, and he didn’t want to. In K-Fed’s defense . . . nope, there is simply is no excuse.

Kevin Federline has said that the reason he and Britney Spears are getting divorced is because she wanted a threesome with another woman, and he didn’t want to. In K-Fed’s defense, she asked him to do the threesome while he was busy watching “The Flintsones” reruns.

In case anyone wasn’t sure, this officially makes Kevin Federline the stupidest person in the world.

Triple duty
Did you have a good Thanksgiving? The pilgrims had it tough, at the first Thanksgiving, after the pilgrims ate they had to undue the buckles on their hats, pants and shoes.

Safety tip
In London, Lindsay Lohan was in another car accident. This is Lindsay’s fourth car accident in 18 months. As we’ve learned from her Internet snap shots, Lindsay may not wear any underwear, but we strongly recommend that her passengers do.

Not good
A 20-year-old man in Wisconsin was arrested for having sex on the side of the road with a dead deer. Can you imagine if that guy goes to prison and meets his cellmate? “Hi, I’m Bubba and I’m in for first degree murder. So what did you do? Excuse me? You did what to a what?”

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

It is hard out here

Special Holliday "Since You Asked" Commercial Message:

Cut to:

A beautiful colonial style oak-panelled library with a roaring fire complete with a huge Christmas wreath with a great big red satin bow. Our spokesperson is a kindly middle-aged man wearing a cardigan sweater and smoking a pipe and reading a book.

Kindly spokesperson:

“Folks, the holidays can be a stressful time and we want to try and make things easier for you. Are you worried about what to get your loved ones this year? And if you do know what you want to get, are you concerned about the crowds and the hassle?

“Well if you are then you are putting way more thought into their gift then they are for yours. This year, why not treat yourself? Give them a gift card.”

The spokesperson stands and strolls over to a desk and picks up a gift card from the desk top and holds it up.

“A gift card was the brain storm of an evil marketing minion who devised a diabolical plan to get their hands on your money so that it couldn’t possibly be spent anywhere else. Just try to walk into any other store on the planet and spend it. It simply cannot be done. Yes, that’s right, if you were dying of hunger and you walked into a Jack in the Box with a McDonalds gift card, guess what? You’re dead.” (Big smile)

“Think of a gift card as sort of a pre-paid credit card. Except, unlike a credit card that is readily accepted by millions of retail outlets, a gift card is only accepted by one store in the entire universe.”

The spokes person strolls back to the fireplace and leans against the mantle and says, while brandishing the card;

“That’s right. This year why not give your loved ones the gift that says; “I think you are just too damn stupid to know where you should spend this money.”

Off Screen Narrator:

“To order your gift card go to or call 1-800-BAD-GIFT. For payment we accept Visa, Mastercard, American Express, hell, even that lousy Discover Card, anything but a damn gift card.”

Monday, November 27, 2006

Whickity whack, jump one step back, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Since you asked:

How did this happen? When you are young and hip it is good and just that you use young and hip expressions. Then, suddenly, before you have any idea what happened, you sound corny and awkward when you use the latest slang. This fact will be eagerly pointed out to you by somebody, anybody, who is younger than you. And it is usually sparked with one word.

For me that word was hateful. When I was about 32 (now I am forty"coughhack") somebody used that word to describe a bad state of affairs, as in: how was your date? Hateful. That struck me as cool and funny. And then I used it on somebody younger than me and they gave that look. You know, that look? That look you get when someone is singing Karaoke off key? That look.

OK, fine, no big deal. You refrain from using the hip expression, or, as is the case with those have acquiesced to getting older, you qualify with “as the kids say.”

But now there is another stage. Once you get past a certain age, it starts to sound funny and cute when you try and say a hip term. For an extreme example, remember the rapping granny on “Wedding Singer”? That point is approaching way too fast I fear.

Anywhoizzy, righteous shout out on Cyber Monday to all my fahzizzels, I got my ride rock star parked and I gots to bounce before my road dog get all guitar-faced on my narrow behind. Peace out. What?
"Esquire" has an informative (except for #2 which is just a steaming plate of wrong) feature for men called; “12 Things You Don’t Know About Women”, this time by hot MILF babe Dana Delaney.

In fairness, women, here are the 12 of the many things you don’t know about men:

* Men fall asleep after they have an ejaculation. Period. We may fight it for a while if we are trying to impress you, but we will lose that battle. That is why Internet sex doesn’t work for many guys. They get tired of waking up with keyboard marks on their face.

*With two exceptions I know, we know that women really don’t know care about sports on TV. If you try and fake it we will catch you.

*When we are driving alone, we ask for directions when we are lost. We just don’t ask when you are in the car. It’s just to make you mad.

*The toilet seat being down? We don’t care. Really. Never have.

*If a guy is a great dresser, really handsome and can dance up a storm, he is gay. Don’t even think about throwing Emmitt Smith at me. The man wore a sleeveless shirt with a ribbon tied around his arm in public. Enough said.

*You know those adorably cute and decorative pillows on the bed? We despise them. If a guy does like pillows, he is gay.

*We like lavender and no it doesn’t make us gay.

*It almost kills us when you touch the remote. You suck at using the remote. That station you keep looking at? It's in Japanese. It is going to stay in Japanese. Change the freakin’ channel.

*We like chick flicks. And again, no, it does not make us gay.

*Do you really want to know what we are thinking? OK, here goes: we are really thinking how much we wish we could get a job earning $500,000 a year for receiving oral sex from beautiful female bikini models. Or for eating cheeseburgers, drinking beer and then taking a nap. Hey, you wanted to know.

*You know why men don’t get upset over those impossibly sexist beer commercials that depict men as mouth-breathing morons who will stop at nothing to get one beer? Because there are a lot of guys out there who are mouth-breathing morons who would do anything for one beer. And we are probably one of them.

*We don’t care how good the movie is, if it has two guys kissing and or having sex, we are out. Conversely, we don't care how bad the movie is, if it has two women kissing and or having sex, we are in.

*Yes we think she is attractive, especially because of her big boobs and, yes, we want to have sex with her. Hell, we even want to have sex with her ugly friend.

*Deep down we know that if you say you don't want to be with a woman you really don't want to be with a woman, but we absolutely refuse to admit that to ourselves. Sorry, but you have to give us this one. Don't ask why, it is just vital. And this is number fourteen which proves we also can’t count.

Slats and Nugs, let me know if you feel there are any major ommisions, deletions, additions, subtractions - but no long divisions - to this.