Wednesday, November 29, 2006

It is hard out here

Swing that thing ‘til it got no sting, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That’s probably it
Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are getting divorced after just four months of wedded bliss. Pamela cited irreconcilable differences. Primarily the irreconcilable difference in size from Tommy Lee to Kid Rock.

Merry Christmas, ya big dope
The big item this Christmas is gift cards. Give a gift card this Christmas and give the gift that tells your loved ones; “I think you’re too stupid to know where to spend this money on your own.”

That makes sense
Michael Jackson is going to attend a Christmas party thrown by his fans in Japan. What drinks do they serve at a Michael Jackson Christmas party? Baby Jesus juice.

A new study reveals that women talk three times more than men and actually get an intoxicating buzz from hearing themselves talk. In a related story, the women of “The View” were immediately admitted to “The Betty Ford” rehab facility.

A new study reveals that women talk three times more than men. In equally shocking news to men, another study reveals that dogs bark.

A new study reveals that women talk three times more than men. Is that a shock? Have you ever seen a man try and get in a word on “The View”? They look like a drunk trying to stagger across the track during the Indianapolis 500.

Not spry Sly
Sylvester Stallone has made his sixth Rocky movie. This one is called “Rocky 6, The Early Bird Special.”

Sylvester Stallone has made his sixth Rocky movie. Sly is getting older. In “Rocky 6” Rocky doesn’t punch frozen sides of beef cracking the ribs like in the first movie, now he just kind of flicks his finger at his Dennys skirt steak.

That sounds about right
Insiders say that O.J. Simpson received $3 million upfront for his book “If I Did It”. That works out to about one million for every word that’s true.

Where's the beef?
TV Land is counting down TV’s greatest catch phrases, like Here’s Johnny, Got Milk?, Yabba Dabba Do and Michael Richard’s “Shut the F up.”

The Denzel Washington’s movie “Déjà vu” is in theaters. Again. For some reason I think I’ve seen this “Déjà vu” movie before.

One of the big food items this holiday is the Turducken: a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey. And you could stuff a hamburger into a meatloaf stuffed into a pot roast. Or as Rosie O’Donnell calls that: lunch. .

Since you asked:

How about that George Clooney on “The Late Show with David Letterman”? What a load that dork is. Sheesh.

But seriously, for one of those pretty-boy fancy-drawers movie stars, George does look like he would be a great hang. All the qualities of a great guy to hang with: funny, easy going, self-deprecating, great at rat f*@king his buddies, good drinker, lots of cash and contacts. The problem? No woman would have anything to do with any guy –yes, even me - after comparing him to George freakin’ Clooney. Now that’s what I call a problem.

Sorry, George, that is too much of a deficit for this Gaucho to overcome. You don’t get to hang with me. No, don’t argue, I’ve made up my mind. You and Matt, Brad and those other Ocean 11,12,13 and 14 losers are on your own. Good luck. You’re gonna need it, Cha Cha.

The lone wolf? C’est moi. Arrrrrrrrrr arrr arrrrr arrrrrrreeeeeeeeewww

(And that is how we play “Lex is a sad, deluded nut job)

Polite applause