Friday, October 27, 2006

It is hard out here

Check out yo booooy here agin. Last time it was New York’s Newsday and not it is local, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Yessir, I got this country surrounded.

If the St. Louis Cardinals beat the Detroit Tigers tonight in game five of the World Series, Detroit will get the last thing it needs: 40 more people who aren’t going to work.  

Since you asked:

So there I am on a beautiful Saturday morning , about as Fall-like as it gets around here, in front of the local bagel shop, when I see a woman about 60 and she is walking the cutest little yellow Labrador puppy.

Now everybody has a default goofy baby talk voice for dogs, mine sounds like a really drunk Bullwinkle. But I am so goofy about puppies, especially Lab puppies, that seemingly with no control from my brain, the voice gets wrenched up times ten to really stupid. And that is right what I launched into when I saw this lady’s puppy bounding at me all paws and ears:

“Whoooa, wases dats my widdle puppy wuppers? Yesseses it wasseses my widdle biddy pupper wuppers duppers.”

Feel free to puke.

So I am in full puppy snuggling, fat fuzzy tummy rubbing, muzzle nuzzling mode, when the lady says to me in a very slow and deliberate way;

“Please . . .  be . . . gentle . . .with . . . the . . .puppy. You . . . . like . . .  little . . .puppies? That . . . is…. so . . . sweeeeeeeet.”

Suddenly I get a really confused look on my face, stop petting the puppy and ask her;

“Excuse me, Lady, why are you talking to me like that?”

The lady gasped and covered her mouth in surprise and said;

“On my word, I am so sorry. I thought you were retarded.”

She probably isn’t the first and, sadly, she won’t be the last.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Check out home cooking here in Newsday, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers,0,1076142.story?coll=ny-viewpoints-headlines

(Jake Novak and Jim Barach are awesome. Not sure who those other guys are)

Fail safe
At a press conference, NBA commissioner David Stern urged NBA players not to carry firearms in public because it is dangerous. Except the New York Knicks, they can carry guns because they can’t ever hit anything they shoot at.

Relations between President Bush and North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong Il aren’t getting any better. It didn’t help that Bush said he refused to negotiate with Jong Il, and it really didn’t help when Bush referred to Kim Jong Il as the spawn of the unholy union of Elvis and Mini Me.

Get it? He sure will
George Clooney was rated the 1# man’s man in an online poll. You know who is really going to be a man’s man? Enron’s Jeff Skilling when he gets to prison.

And she wonders why we hate her
Madonna was on “Oprah” and scolded the media for her bad publicity during her African toddler adoption. Then, after complaining about publicity, Madonna then hoisted herself on a 12-foot cross while wearing a cone bra and then she made out with Britney Spears.

Just kidding, TomKat
The Supreme Court of New Jersey has ruled that gay people should be allowed the same rights of marriage. So I guess Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will have their ceremony in New Jersey.

2 for 1
Halloween is coming up soon. I couldn’t decide what to go as; it was between going as an Oakland Raider or a Zombie but then I figured out, heck, they’re the same thing.

President Bush is no longer using his Iraq phrase “Stay the course.” Instead he’s going with the phrase “Any more questions? Oh, hey, look at the time, gotta go.”

Take that, Al Davis
FIFA, the governing body of soccer, revealed that more than half of the players who received medical treatment on the field during this summer's World Cup were faking injuries. Can you imagine athletes lying on the field pretending to be hurt? I mean besides Oakland Raiders.

The World Series was rained out Wednesday. It was so wet Kenny Rogers couldn’t keep the pine tar on his hand.

A Janice Hough collaboration
The ratings for Fox’s broadcast of the World Series have been terrible. In fact, if the ratings get any worse they’ll have to switch the Series to NBC.

It is hard out here

Oh snap, who ‘dat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

I am proud to say I finished ahead of Condoleeza Rice
George Clooney was rated the 1# man’s man in an online poll. Other’s didn’t do as well. Kevin Federline finished somewhere between Clay Aiken and Rosie O’Donnell.

She’s agin’ it
Madonna appeared on “Oprah” and angrily denounced the press’ coverage of her African toddler adoption. Because, as we all know, if there is one thing that Madonna can’t stand, it’s publicity.

Things are going pretty well with Madonna’s adopted baby. First she named him David and now she is teaching him a phony English accent.

He is going to be fine, but Madonna’s new African adopted baby hurt his eye. It was an accident but still, Child Protective Services was called in and they confiscated all of Madonna’s cone bras.

Out of it
A Denver man emerged from 6 months of amnesia. His first words were that he wanted to bet on the New York Mets in the World Series and donate the winnings to Mark Foley’s re-election campaign.

A new study shows that men who spent hours on their cell phone have a far lower sperm count than normal. That means men that spend hours on their cell phone have a far less chance of reproducing. Ironclad proof there is a god.

Their vows
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married on November 18th. The couple have written their own vows and we have an advanced copy. Tom wrote; “I promise to love and respect you, Katie” and Katie wrote; “Somebody help me escape, this guy is freakin’ nuts. Help.”

Kind of suspicious
San Diego Charger linebacker Shawne Merriman faces a four game suspension for testing positive for steroids. NFL authorities first became suspicious when they spotted Merriman bench pressing the Coronado bridge.

Merriman denies any knowledge of steroids but does admit the steroids could have been planted on him by a priest when he was drunk on Tequila with Mel Gibson.

Just kidding, Hon
The Supreme Court of New Jersey has ruled that gays should be allowed the same rights of marriage without actually being married. So that means that gays can have the same social and economic rights of being married without the resultant crushing boredom and lack of sex.

Since you asked:
As a former Wall Street bond broker and a former Wall Street in La Jolla stock broker, I would like to introduce a new feature in a.l.B.B. called:

Whose stock is up. Whose stock is down.

Alec Baldwin’s stock is way up. Funny, funny guy. Check out “30 Rock.” And at least when he spews about politics he knows what he is talking about.

Terrell Owens stock is way down. He dropped a ball my eight-year-old daughter would have caught and she is a soccer player trained not to use her hands.

Madonna’s stock is way down. Madonna has been such a self-promoting marketing whore for so long now when she tries to do something nice it still backfires in her smug gap-toothed face.

Christie Brinkley’s stock is way up. Have you seen her lately? Wow, wow and a couple more wows and then toss in a wow for good measure. The only woman on the planet who has remained hotter longer is figure skater great Peggy Flemming who has been smoking since 1968.

Matthew Perry’s stock is up. Check out the other show about “SNL” “Studio 60.” Who knew Chandler Bing had range and could be brooding and acerbic?

“Saturday Night Live” stock is down. There are two shows out about “SNL” and both are funnier than “SNL.” “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” is funnier than “SNL” on a nightly basis. At least it looks like they finally dumped Horatio Sanz in a ditch in Jersey. Leave the gun, take the burrito.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

It’s all in the all in, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That could never happen again
The last time the St. Louis Cardinals and the Detroit Tigers were in the World Series was 1968. Things were a lot different back then, the Rolling Stones were on tour, Jack Nicholson had a hit movie and we were embroiled in an unpopular war.

Get it?
People not from the Midwest might not appreciate the distinctions between Detroit and St. Louis. In St. Louis a lot of people pronounce their state as: Muh-zurrr-ahhh. In Detroit, a lot of people pronounce their state as: incarcerated.

Heard that one
Rumor has it O.J. Simpson is writing a book. He’s having trouble with the title because “In Cold Blood” has already been used.

Rumor has it O.J. Simpson is writing a book about the murders. I’m not sure it will sell though. There are only 12 people in the world who don’t know how it ends: the OJ jury.

Not a big seller
You know what is one of the most popular kids Halloween costumes this year? Sponge Bob Square Pants. You know one of the least popular Halloween costumes this year? Happy Hour Mel Gibson.

Kids are gearing up for Halloween this year. You know what the most popular kids costume is this year? Spiderman. You know the least popular kids costume? A congressional page.

Nicole Richey said her goal is to become a singer. Nicole’s biggest problem as a singer? She disappears behind the microphone stand.

Good thinking
You know what a lot of kids are dressing up for on Halloween? They’re dressing up as a starving African child so Madonna will adopt them and buy them great Christmas presents.

What is it with Monica and carpets?
Rumor has it that Monica Lewinski has been dating a bi-sexual actress. When asked to comment, Monica said; “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Rumor has it that Monica Lewinski has been dating a bi-sexual actress. You can’t blame Monica for quitting guys. How many cigar jokes can one woman take?

Fair deal
The mayors of St. Louis and Detroit have their traditional World Series bet. If Detroit wins, then St. Louis will give Detroit a case of Budweiser and toasted Ravioli. If St. Louis wins, then Detroit will promise they won’t rob St. Louis.

You have to love the two World Series cities motto’s. Detroit, What Happens in Detroit Depends on if a witness will testify.” St. Louis’ motto is “What Happens in St. Louis stays in St. Louis, but nothing ever happens in St. Louis.”

I’m not saying Detroit is a rough town but their city bird is a stool pigeon. I’m not saying St. Louis isn’t a fun town, but their nickname is the Gateway to the West, in other words it’s most famous for people wanting to get the hell out of there.

Fabolous speller
Rapper Fabolous was shot in the leg. And today, in more shocking news, not one rapper was shot.

Rapper Fabolous was shot in the leg and then charged with criminal possession of weapons. In addition, Fabolous was charged with the criminally bad spelling of the word Fabulous.

Good job, Sir
President Bush would reject talks with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. Give President Bush some credit, he has come a long way with North Korea. He no longer giggles uncontrollably when he hears the name of the capital city Pyongyang.

The winner of the Chicago Marathon, Kenyan Robert Cheruiyot, slipped at the finish line and knocked himself out cold. The guy ran over 26 miles, leading the whole way, only to get knocked out at the very end. He was also charged with impersonating the New York Yankees.