Saturday, September 09, 2006

It is hard out here

I’ll take your best shot, is that all you got? How you like me now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Thanks, lady
Paris Hilton was arrested in Hollywood for a D.U.I. It was a little awkward, when they went to handcuff Paris, she reached into her purse and said; “Here, use mine.”

Stunt man
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes appear on the cover of “Vanity Fair” with their baby Suri and the buzz is that the baby looks Asian. So apparently Jackie Chan really does do his own stunts.

Now that’s a bad network
The White House said today that they have seriously weakened the Al-Qaida network. To give you an idea how weak the Al-Qaida network is, today it began airing reruns of NBC’s “Joey.”

Paris “boozed up to the” Hilton
Paris Hilton was arrested in Hollywood with a D.U.I. It was awkward when the arresting officer had to tell Paris; “No, we really mean blow, sucking on the breathalyzer won’t work.”

Paris was put in jail. So, once again, we combine the words Paris and slammer.

Paris Hilton was arrested in Hollywood with a D.U.I. On the breathalyzer sobriety test Paris blew a .8 and the arresting officer.

Paris Hilton was arrested in Hollywood for a D.U.I. It was a little awkward, when Paris was field tested for drunk driving, the arresting officer had to tell her; “Uh, thanks Miss, but that’s not the breathalyzer.”

Blame it on Rio
Lindsay Lohan is the talk of the Internet due to a paparazzi shot that revealed Lindsay not wearing panties and, well, let’s just say I didn’t know Lindsay was Brazilian.

This week the C.E.O. of Ford Motor Company, Bill Ford, essentially fired himself. You think that’s embarrassing? Today Fox News Bill O’Reilly charged himself with sexual harassment.

Since you asked:

What a great time last night. The Railheads rocked the Del Dios Country Store Bar and Grill. Great venue, it reminds me of places in the hills of Santa Barbara and Santa Maria. Located in the sticks next to Lake Hodges, it has a warm and cozy country feel. A bunch of friends showed up and the band rocked.

Modesty prevents me from saying I tore the lid off the dump with my harp on my Little Walter “Juke” based scorching blues jam. If there is anything better than playing harmonica in a good band at a nice dive on a Friday night with your friends laughing and dancing, I sure as hell don’t know what it is.

Friday, September 08, 2006

It is hard out here

We gonna go slow on the down low, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I’ve said it before
Lance Armstrong was spotted with Paris Hilton in a Sunset Strip nightclub. Rumor has it they are an item. Apparently Lance is just nut about her.

Tisk, tisk, Sir
President Bush nominated Mary Peters as the nation's transportation secretary. There was an embarrassing moment at the announcement when President Bush couldn’t stop giggling and saying “Her last name is Peters.”

Katie Couric is asking for suggestions from the public for her sign off. Is that a good idea? She is going to get a lot of calls for “I’m Katie Couric and here are my breasts.”

A little awkward
Bill Ford stepped down as CEO of Ford. It was a little awkward, after Ford made his big announcement, Ford got into his Mustang for a dramatic exit and it didn’t start.

Are you ready for some felons?
The NFL season started last night. Good thing, the police are getting exhausted.

The NFL regular season starts tomorrow and already the New York Jets are mathematically eliminated from making the playoffs.

The San Diego Charger linebacker, Steve Foley, was shot by an off duty policeman in the hand and twice in his thigh. So Foley can’t use his hand and one leg rendering him useless this season to everyone but the New York Jets.

NBC aired the movie “Behind the Camera, The Unauthorized Story of “Diff’rent Strokes.” What’s next? “The Unauthorized Story of “Saved by the Bell?” What was Screech really like to work with?

Imagine that?
We’re finding out more about the arrested polygamist Warren Steed Jeffs. Did you know that he inherited 12 of his 70 wives from his Dad? 12 of his wives used to be his step-mother. Man, my Dad wouldn’t let me use his razor.

The guy has 70 wives. His honey-do list has to be a nightmare. He wants to go to prison to get out of his to-do lists.

Good for her
Kirstie Alley has lost 75 pounds by being on Jenny Craig.75 pounds. That’s like losing both Olsen twins.

Kirstie Alley has lost 75 pounds by being on Jenny Craig. And Vince Vaughn has lost 20 pounds by being on Jennifer Anniston.

Same thing
Andre Agassi retired from the U.S. Open. Agassi was a great champion but his back just couldn’t take it anymore. It’s the same reason Al Reynolds is leaving Star Jones.

Two charges
An Amtrak passenger traveling with her sick father waited 23 hours and 1,000 miles to tell authorities he died so she could avoid the cost of shipping the body. She could be charged with unlawfully transporting a corpse and her father could be charged with impersonating Al Gore.

Since you asked
So I wanted to rest up before our big gig tonight. (Any locals, we, the Railheads, are playing at the Del Dios Country Store at 8:00 PM, so stop on by. I play the harmonica) So I, with my “work” done, e-mails answered, invoices sent, I actually see a rare window of opportunity for that all-too elusive treasure: time for a nap.

Drapes drawn, "Sports Illustrated" in hand, I lie down to read and snooze and nothing. Not even that jerky thing your body does before you drift off.

Man, do I feel like an underachiever. I try to do the laziest activity on the planet and I failed.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

It is hard out here

Snippity snap snap, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The bright side
He’s going to be OK, but San Diego Charger linebacker Steve Foley was shot three times on a suspected drunk driving and resisting arrest case and is out of football for the season. The good news? When Foley recovers, he’ll get to star in a Mel Gibson movie.

Freak accident
In sad news, Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin died in a freak accident from being barbed in the heart by one of the normally docile sting rays. That’s crazy. That’s like Donald Trump being killed by his hair stylist.

Oh goody
Cher is clearing her Malibu home of more than $1 million worth of her clothes and accessories in a giant garage sale. Upon hearing this, Ryan Seacrest feinted with excitement.

Labor? What's that?
Did everyone have a good Labor Day? Labor Day is the day we honor all the hard working people who have a steady job. Or as Kevin Federline calls Labor Day, Monday.

Not so good
Have you heard of the Mozart Effect? This is a research group that claims that listening to music when you are studying makes you a better student. Unless you are listening to Britney Spears, that makes you dumber than a bowl of grits.

Lance advance
Lance Armstrong was seen in a club on the Sunset strip with Paris Hilton. I think something happened. The next day Paris tested positive for too much testosterone.

Reportedly Lance Armstrong and Paris Hilton were together in a club on the Sunset Strip. Don’t confuse this with the time Paris worked in a Sunset Strip Club.

Well, except that time
Did you hear that Britney Spear’s baby, Sean Preston, said his first word? Well, not counting the times he was dropped and said; “Ouch.”

Makes you wonder
CBS’s “Survivor” is dividing teams by race. CBS says it isn’t racial but I am not sure. The white tribe is called: The No-booty tribe.

So wrong
CBS’s “Survivor” is dividing teams by race. CBS says it isn’t racially biasedl but I am not sure. The four tribes are white, black, Hispanic and Asian and their four new sponsors are Wonder Bread, Popeyes Chicken, Chevy trucks, and Top Ramen Noodles.

Not clear on the concept
S.A.T. scores are the lowest they have ever been in 31 years. It was awkward, when asked why the scores were so deplorable, one student replied; “Gosh, thanks, we just got lucky.”

When asked why the scores were the lowest in three decades, one student replied; “That depends, what is a decade?”

Ex-USC quarterback Matt Leinart ex-girlfriend, a USC women’s basketball player, is going to have his baby. They weren’t kidding when they said the Trojans have slipped in the polls.

Excuse me
Energy experts are predicting gas will be down to $2.00 a barrel by Thanksgiving. In a related story, after this Thanksgiving gas will be way up after my Aunt’s Cabbage and Bean casserole.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
Edvard Munch’s famous painting “The Scream” was recovered from thieves. It was a little awkward when they showed President Bush a picture of “The Scream” he yelled; “Hey, it’s that “Home Alone” kid.”

Edvard Munch’s famous 1893 painting “Madonna” was reportedly recovered from thieves. I’m not sure it’s authentic, the painting features Madonna in a cone bra.

So sad
Radio Shack fired 400 employees by e-mail. The worst part is most of them didn’t get the e-mail’s because their cheap Radio Shack modem was down.

Uh, no Jessica, that’s not, oh forget it
Jessica Simpson’s new album is out. It was a little awkward, when they announced Jessica’s new album, Jessica got upset and yelled “But I thought it was supposed to be on a CD? Nobody plays those old plastic albums anymore.”

A CNN broadcast of President Bush’s speech was interrupted when reporter Kyra Phillips didn’t realize her mike was live in the bathroom, where she called her sister-in-law a control freak. Their family Labor Day picnic should be fun: “Oh Kyra, honey, could I have mustard on my hot dog or am I being a control freak?”

That does it
A US Airways flight landing in Miami blew out all of its tires on landing. That settles it, from now on Star Jones has to fly on charter flights.

This creepy guy they released in the JonBenet Ramsey case, John Mark Karr, was in Thailand for a cheap $1,600 sex change operation. It’s not really even a sex change operation. They hide a wood chipper behind a urinal.

Rice marks
Polygamist Warren Steed Jeffs was arrested and is suspected of having 70 wives70 wives? This guy has been married so many times he had to be treated for rice abrasions.

This guy has been married so many times he posted his million dollar bail by selling the blenders and George Foreman grills he received as wedding presents.

Polygamist Warren Steed Jeffs was arrested and is suspected of having 70 wives. What attracted 70 women to this mild-looking guy? Let’s just say his middle name isn’t Steed for nothing.

Since you asked:
Now, Slats and Nuggsters, you know how I hate to brag about my grilling skills, or as my peeps call it, my grizzizzle skizzizzles. But last night I made the best Quesadilla I have ever had. Period. No, really.

Grilled garlic and herb and oil marinated Foster Farm chicken breasts and then shredded them with a fork.

Placed the Monterey Jack cheese on a flour tortilla with the shredded grilled chicken and Ortega diced chilies, another tortilla, more cheese and chicken and chilies topped the double decker with a third tortilla. Got the grill medium hot and grilled them until they had nice dark grill cross marks and the rest of the tortilla was a light crispy brown. (Burritos should be soft, Quesadillas should be crunchy on the outside)

Cut it into quarters, placed two on each plate with refried beans and blue corn chips and then slathered the beans and Quesadillas with tomato and mango salsa. Garnish with chopped cilantro and Bob is your G-damn, motherfizzy Uncle.

The tortillas pick up a dreamy smoky flavor from the grill and the mild chilies add a great taste to the awesome chicken. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Them mofizzy’s be scrumpshizzy in the bezzizzlies, my didleys.