Saturday, August 12, 2006

It is hard out here

Can I get a one time, one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Airport delays
The delays at the airport are unbelievable. To give you an idea, there are scattered reports of passengers landing at the same time as their luggage, that’s how late they are.

Authorities suggest that you get to the airport two hours before you even book your flight.

Jamie Gold, a former Hollywood agent, won the $12 million World Series of Poker. Is that really fair though? In a game where lying is key, nobody stands a chance against a Hollywood agent.

A study by the C.D.C. reveals that fewer high school students are having sex. Well sure, what with tighter budgets and more layoffs, fewer teachers equals less high school sex.

Next Taliban, the musical
After the foiled terrorist plot, airport security is confiscating all shampoos, face creams and hair products. Apparently they suspect an attack from the gay terrorists, al-Qae-Heeeeeyy-da.

It’s about time
Porn Star Jenna Jameson will be an announcer in the Super Bowl halftime pay-per-view Lingerie Bowl. Finally, something in football that sucks more than the Houston Texans.

360 pound former Chicago Bear William “the refrigerator” Perry will also make an appearance at the Lingerie Bowl. Perry will be playing the roll of the Bowl.  

If I had to guess
British authorities have released the name of 19 of the terrorists involved in the foiled plane-bombing plot. Let’s just say there aren’t a lot of Dave’s, Larry’s, Biff’s and especially Murray’s and Sol’s.

Since you asked:
We are lucky to have a network of talented and hard-working Serbian guys working on our house. But whenever they do speak Serbian to each other, I always think they are saying;

“Nemo, push, push, in the Bush, Nemo, push, push in the bush.”

Why they would tell a cartoon fish the lyrics to that lousy disco song over and over, I don’t know.  

Thursday, August 10, 2006

It is hard out here

What up or shut up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Rolling Stones will perform at the site of the Kentucky Derby, Churchill Downs. The race track had to promise that, no matter how bad he looked, they would not put down Keith Richards unless he fell out of a tree.

The Stones have a song, “Dead Flowers” that references the Kentucky Derby. Coincidentally, the Stones songs, “Beast of Burden”, “Wild Horses” and “Bitch” also describe the horses I last bet on at the Kentucky Derby.

After failing two drug tests, Floyd Landis refuses to admit he used testosterone and he will fight to keep his Tour De France title. At this point even Joe Lieberman is saying “Hey, give it up. It’s over.”

A new study shows that teens whose iPods are full of music with raunchy, sexual lyrics start having sex sooner than those who prefer other songs. And the ones who had the most sex were the boys who had Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher.”

Dustin Diamond, aka Screech from “Saved by the Bell” told a Florida radio station that a woman attacked him in his hotel room. Authorities say the woman became angry and violent when she suddenly realized he was Screech from “Saved by the Bell.”

The divorce of Paul McCartney and Heather Mills is ugly. Sir Paul has hired a tough lawyer, Fiona Shackleton, who is going to try and get everything from Mills down to her artificial leg. This made Mills hopping mad but she can’t sue because her case doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

It is hard out here


You best got to hit that but good, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Meshugener Mel
The results of Floyd Landis’s second urine test confirm that he took a synthetic testosterone. Landis has denied the charges and today, Mel Gibson blamed the test result on the Jews.

The fact that it was synthetic testosterone proved that Landis took them in an exogenous manner.
It was awkward when President Bush heard Landis testosterone was exogenous, he gasped; “Oh no, he’s possessed? Did his head spin around?”

It was awkward, when President Bush heard Landis testosterone was taken exogenously, he replied; “But I thought he was a Mennonite.”  

Fill in the blank
Due to the second positive test for performance enhancing drugs, Floyd Landis has been stripped of his Tour De France title and the new winner is a cyclist-who will-also-get-caught-cheating-to-be-named later.  

Floyd Landis has brought shame, cheating, lying and dishonor to the Tour De France. For as we all know, shame, cheating, lying and dishonor have no place in sports, they should be in Congress where they belong.

Despite his denials, Floyd Landis will have to admit his mistake. So once again, the United States’ best cyclist will be eating crow.

Britney we wish we hardly knew yee
The Hollywood gossip site T.M.Z. has a candid video clip, filmed by Kevin Federline, of a spaced out, rambling Britney Spears. In this video, Britney could not look trashier if she was spoon-feeding herself pork rinds with a smoldering Marlboro dangling from the corner of her lips.

Apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, but, if you are alone with Kevin Federline and you sound like the dumbest hick in the room, you might be a redneck.

To give you an idea how stupid Britney looks in the clip, it is now obvious when Britney sings “Oops, I Did It Again” she is talking about flunking out of the second grade.  

Sissy rule
The NFL has implemented rule changes that are intended to protect the quarterback. Now, I don’t want to say they’ve gone too far to protect the quarterback, but it is now illegal for a defender to wrinkle or muss the quarterback’s skirt.

General Motors and Ford are working with Apple to integrate the iPod in their cars. So now drivers can listen to their favorite songs while waiting for the ambulance after they crash from talking on the phone and working on their computer.

Paris in anytime
In an interview with “G.Q.” magazine, Paris Hilton reiterated her plans of remaining celibate for a year. In a related story, the stock price for Trojan Brand condoms plummeted in massive selling.  

Keep in mind, Paris’s idea of being celibate is only having sex with one person at a time.  

Handy reference
Stripped Tour De France winner, Floyd Landis tested positive for too much testosterone and blamed it on drinking whisky the night before. Landis then continued work on his book, “How To Humiliate Your Mennonite Parents.”

Sunday, August 06, 2006

It is hard out here

Since you asked:

Our daughter, Ann Caroline, has a new age and a new nickname. After a week of celebrating her eighth birthday, we were sleeping in a tad Saturday morning, when, around seven a.m. we were awakened by a wildly loud thumping noise. Granted our new hard wood floors don’t have Oriental rug runners yet and they echo, but it was loud, all the same.

In stomps Ann Caroline, blue plush bunny, Blueberry, in tow, making an incredible ruckus for a sweet, just-turned-eight, freckled, blond-haired little soccer player. She does this when she is groggy with sleep and on a mission to get to our room. Half asleep I muttered;

“Well, if it isn’t Stompie the Wonder Chimp.”

Me thinks Stompie the Wonder Chimp is going to have legs.  

It is hard out here

We takin’; it to the breakin’ it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mel, such a mouth on you, you shouldn’t believe, oy vey
Mel Gibson apologized for his obscenity-laced drunk driving arrest and admitted he made a stupid decision and that he said really stupid things. On the bright side, making a stupid decision and saying really stupid things puts Mel at the top of the list to portray President Bush in a movie.

Campy humor
The NFL training camps are underway. That is where the players sweat, cry, swear and yell. And that is just at the press conference when they deny testing positive for drugs.

Barry’s cherry
Testimony in a grand jury investigation reveals that Barry Bonds cheated on baseball with steroids, Bonds cheated on his wife with a mistress and he cheated on his mistress with another woman and Bonds cheated on his taxes. Anyone want to guess what Barry does with his golf score?

The moral of the story? Don’t play poker with Barry Bonds.

Testimony in a grand jury investigation reveals that Barry Bonds has alienated, and is despised by, every single person he has come in contact with and Bonds has cheated and lied at every single endeavor he has undertaken. In short, Barry Bonds would make a dynamite entertainment attorney.

This one hurts
The Milwaukee Brewers have added a new contestant in the Miller Park sausage race. The Mexican Chorizo. Nobody knows what Brat this on, but the Chorizo will have to mustard up some courage to ketchup if it wants to be a wiener.

Busy boy
Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry was arrested four times in a matter of months on charges that included speeding, DUI, driving without a license and insurance, weapons possession, marijuana possession and providing alcohol to underage girls. Or as that is known in the NBA: a weekend.

Since you asked:

Went to a party last night and came home at ten after two drinks. Going to go work out and get my car washed.

For the first time in I-don’t-even-want-to-think-how-long, my car is clean, my office is spotless, my closet is neat and organized. It’s like I don’t know who I am any more.

Floyd Landis tested positive for too much testosterone and blamed it on drinking whisky the night before. Boy, if that doesn’t make his Mennonite parents proud, I don’t know what will.

Missed my comedy writing buddy Janice Hough in town for the weekend. We had scheduling snafu’s on our part – not hers – including late floor installation and a tummy ache, and it caused us to miss meeting each other and our better halves for dinner or drinks. Janice, I owe you. Have you had a Santa Maria BBQ? Next time, I promise. Janice is truly a comic genius.

Since you asked:
With positive drug tests from their stars, Justin Gatlin and Floyd Landis, sports prognosticators are calling the time of death for both track and field and cycling. As a former participant in the Decathlon of the prior and a hack recreational rider and fan of the latter, I find that upsetting.

How much of a credibility problem do track and cycling have? Right now, Donald Trump’s hair has more credibility than track and field; cycling couldn’t be less credible if Don King promoted it. At least professional wrestling admits that it’s a fake. Even Barry Bonds thinks track and cycling is made of nothing but a bunch of cheaters.

The credibility gap of a sport widens every year more cheaters are discovered. The sad reality is that, in all sports, these are amazingly talented athletes looking for an edge. The public perception, however, is that these guys are untalented hacks simply hopped-up on drugs. (See: Jose Conseco)

The tragedy of performance enhancing drugs is that, Conseco aside, the edge needed to win steroids and testosterone provides is the relatively small difference between a really good athlete and being the best athlete. Unfortunately, that is also the difference between getting by and getting rich and famous.

Make no mistake, greed is what emboldens these athletes to use steroids and testosterone, not a desire to be the best and win. No, deep down they know they aren’t honestly the best because of the drugs. All they care about is the money and or fame that comes with winning, to heck with the credibility of their sport.

Barry Bonds was all world class in baseball without steroids until he became ravenous with envy and greed of the attention and money the home run race earned Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa. Bruce Jenner was never going to be more than a journeyman Decathlete scratching out a living cashing in travel money from track meet to track meet throughout Europe.

Bruce Jenner’s infection with greed to exploit a gold medal into fame, for what is now a career in infomercials, is clearly what drove him to gain 50 pounds of steroid-produced muscle in a mere four years. Jenner, like the others, never cared about his sport, he cared about getting rich and famous. (I’m not positive, but I am pretty sure you can buy Bruce Jenner’s soul on E-Bay. $199, shipping not included)

Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGuire, Rafael Palmeiro, Bruce Jenner, and now Floyd Landis and Justin Gatlin sold out their sports, their souls and their associates by being selfish, greedy cheaters. And selfish, greedy cheaters is how they should always be treated and remembered, especially when under consideration for a Hall of Fame.

Or they can be remembered as a punch line to a joke about infomercial hucksters and bad plastic surgery and questionable multiple celebrity marriages. Whichever one is worse, you decide.