Saturday, September 03, 2005

Lighten up, Francis:

You do the math
Martha Stewart got her ankle monitoring bracelet off and then Rap mogul Sug Knight gets shot in the leg. Coincidence? I think not.

A few differances
The first detailed genetic comparison between humans and chimpanzees shows that 96% of the DNA is identical in the two species. There are differences. Whereas chimps have the desire to throw feces, humans have the desire to create reality television.

Makes sense
Remember “He Hate Me” of the XFL? Rod Smart of the Carolina Panthers announced he is dropping that nickname. He is updating it with the more accurate “He Hate Terrill Owens.”
A thought on New Orleans

Last week, the name New Orleans conjured thoughts of fun, raucous music, delicious spicy seafood and cocktail glasses clinking amid laughter and dancing on a sultry candlelit night.

Now our most colorful city has drowned. No electricity, no water to drink. Broken gas lines send flames erupting from toxic floodwaters. Crazed mobs loot stores and shoot at relief helicopters. Hungry people fight over scraps of food. Bloated corpses float through the streets while desperate survivors huddle on rooftops in the steaming diseased stench, awaiting rescue. *

We will learn a lot about ourselves in the coming days of the Katrina crisis: who gives, who doesn't give, who places blame, who takes responsibility, and the absolute worst of all, those who try to use this horror for their gain, albeit financially by robbing and price gouging, or politically, effectively looting from the ample bitterness, to increase their selfish power.

Unfortunately, I’m afraid we will also learn never to say; “At least things can’t get any worse.”

*Paraphrasing from Peter Carlson’s great opening paragraph on Mayor Nagin in “The Washington Post.”

Friday, September 02, 2005

Oh, hail no, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Select group
Bacardi has a new product called “Island Breeze” that claims it has half the calories of regular spirits. This is the perfect gift for all of those alcoholics who are carefully watching their weight.

Got Pitcher?
Actress Alyssa Milano has dated Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano and A’s pitcher Barry Zito and now is dating Dodgers ace Brad Penny. I’m not sure if it was going to work out between Alyssa Milano and Brad Penny. Alyssa is lactose intolerant.

Don’t forget that part
National scholastic aptitude test scores indicate that scores are slightly up. When told of the improvement of the reading, writing and math scores, President Bush asked; “Reading, writing and math are all fine but what about ‘rithmetic?"

Whew hew
Martha Stewart has removed her electronic ankle bracelet. Three words: Look out Dollywood.

You’d think
President Bush is being accused of not respond fast enough to the areas hit by hurricane Katrina. You’d think Bush would have responded faster, Louisiana has a lot of oil.

Tough spot
Jesse Jackson criticized President’s Bush leadership in New Orleans; you have to feel for Jesse Jackson in the Katrina crisis: on the one hand Jesse wants to get involved, yet on the other hand, there isn’t a specific corporation Jesse can threaten with racism for shake-down money.

Since you asked:
(No idea what made me think of this)

When I worked for a Wall Street bond brokerage firm, the hysterical crowd reactions were worthy of Mel Brooks.

Most of the bond brokers were twenty-something to middle-aged rowdy male ex-jock New Yorkers, a rough crowd. One guy we worked with, however, named Dennis - or Den Denny Den Den, as we called him- was a bespeckled, kind, thoughtful, gentle, straight-laced and just all around really good man. In other words, he was totally out of place.

Bless Den Denny Den Den’s big heart, he tried like hell. One day before the Christmas Holiday, he turned to the entire trading floor and wished everybody a heart-felt Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. The spontaneous cavalcade of obscenities that rained down on poor D.D.D.D. would make the drunkest Philadelphia sports fans blush.

Before every Christmas we would break out our office Christmas tree. It was the cheesiest, bent, pathetic plastic tree ever made. When we did, the head of the mortgage bond desk, Johnny – think Joe Pesci – would earnestly implore us to sing the Christmas Carol “O Christmas Tree” to mark the occasion. Like everybody else, we all knew the opening words “Oh Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree…” then, because nobody in the world knows the rest of that song, it would invariably dissolve into a chorus of “Na na nah naaah na nah naaaaaaah.” Until we got to the “O-Christmas Tree” part again.

Well, this did not suit the avid Church-going Den Denny Den Den at all. One Christmas season he went to the unprecedented trouble and expense of printing out and copying the lyrics to “O Christmas Tree.”

So, on the big day when we broke out that broke-ass sorry Christmas tree, with obvious pride and excitement, Den Denny Den Den passed out the “Oh Christmas Tree” lyric sheets to everyone. Finally, and at long last, we could sing all the words the way they were meant to be sung.

Excited, we all began as loudly and robustly as we ever had.

“O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree . . .” and as if on cue, every broker, with the correct words in hand, all sang at once;

“Na na nah naaah na nah naaaaaah.”

Poor Den Denny Den Den looked like his own dog had just taken a whiz on his shoe.

Lex’s iPod update

Found the slightest chink in the armor of the vaunted iPod and iTunes.

The other day, waiting for my grill to warm up before grilling tri-tip at sunset, fortified by a few glasses of Cabernet, I found a Seventies playlist on iTunes. Maybe it was the warm golden light from the glorious California sunset, or the fatigue from a particularly arduous work out earlier, or, more likely, the buzz from the wine, but I found this 70’s list irresistible and started buying songs from it like crazy. What the hell? It’s only 99 cents a song.

A few days later, in the harsh light of cold sobriety, I got the iTunes receipt. There I saw a horror no man should see. Not only had I listened to, but I had actually purchased the following songs:

Kershaw Sammy’s “Chevy Van,” Gilbert O’Sullivan’s “The Night Chicago Died” Looking Glass’s “Brandy” and, to my utter horror, Terry Jacks “Seasons in the Sun” Hell, I broke up with Betsy Fox (no relation to Debbie Fox) because she liked that song.

The moral? Friends don’t let friends iTunes drunk.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

It ain’t nothin’ but a thang, thang, thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

High and inside
Actress Alyssa Milano has dated Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano and A’s pitcher Barry Zito and now is dating Dodgers ace Brad Penny. Here is a woman who brought new meaning to the term: starting rotation.

Actress Alyssa Milano has dated Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano and A’s pitcher Barry Zito and now is dating Dodgers ace Brad Penny. You know a woman has been dating too many pitchers when she changes her bedroom signs to keep the guy on second from stealing them.

Actress Alyssa Milano has dated Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano and A’s pitcher Barry Zito and now is dating Dodgers ace Brad Penny. And here I thought the ultimate prize for a pitcher was the Cy Young award.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Santa Monica restaurant was shut down due to rats and roaches. The problem would have been solved sooner, but Arnold couldn’t pronounce the word: infestation.

Since you asked:
Sorry about the flashing-beads/drunks jokes about New Orleans a few days ago, but, like just about everyone else, I had no idea the extent of the devastation from hurricane Katrina.

My stomach almost turned yesterday when I was watching one of those Access Insider Tonight Entertainment Hollywood shows when they spent the show on how former “Xena, Warrior Princess” star from four years ago, Lucy Lawless, missed a flight and was stranded in a small airport in Louisiana for a few hours after hurricane Katrina.

Sure, thousands died, millions lost their homes and are suffering horribly, but a tragedy doesn’t mean anything in this country until it inconveniences a celebrity. How much money do you want to bet that they do a story on how Katrina effected chef Emerill Lagase? Now, I like Emerill and all, but come on . . .

And we wonder why the rest of the world hates our guts?

Remember the St. Louis flood of 1993? It was bad but nothing like Katrina. Flying to Louisville with a stop in St. Louis that September, I got a chance to see the flood. It was mind numbing to see how vast the damage was. It went for miles and miles. It would be impossible to comprehend the extent of the flooding from hurricane Katrina.

Remember hurricane Gloria in 1985? I was living in New York and they gave everyone about the same warnings that they probably gave the people in New Orleans. Oh, we’ll be fine, we said, and we went to a friend’s ground level apartment and partied Gloria out. Well, I probably would have done the same thing if I lived in New Orleans and right now I would be lucky to be up on the roof waiting for a helicopter ride to a shelter.

On a brighter note:
There are nine types of musicians (includes singers). 9 the ones who flat out can’t play, 8 the ones that can hit the notes but are bad, 7 the ones who are bad but have a song or two they can play OK, 6 the ones who are OK but fall apart from time to time, 5 the ones who are only OK but they are consistently OK, 4 the ones who are good, 3 the ones who are good and can actually get paid to play, 2 the really good who are also hard working pros and play music for a decent to a good living, and, 1 the impossibly god-given talented who still work like crazy and blow people away and make a good to unbelievable living.

What’s the difference? 9 is drunk Karaoke, 8 is a grade school recital, 7 a high school recital, 6 struggling garage bands, 5 dive bar bands, 4 pleasant surprise dive bar band, 3 a decent party band, 2 a top-notch wedding, big party or real big bar band, and finally, the rare and successful 1 who has gold to platinum CDs and sells out medium to big arenas. (Not including boy bands)

Once I played in a band that had a high 2, two 3’s, a 5 and a 7. Guess who the leader of the band was? You got it. The 7. Me on harmonica? Proud to say I made 3 this year. Too lazy and probably not talented enough to try and make it to 2 or even a high 3. The difference, say, between a low two and a high two is traveling or not traveling far to gigs. And 1’s never have to set up their gear. That is huge.

There is a wide range in all of these stages and a gap between the numbers, but there is a huge gap between 1 and 2. One is B.B. King and 2 is Bobby Rush. Bobby Rush is this old school blues harmonica guy coming to town.

Whereas B.B. rides in a luxury tour bus, and would play outside at our San Diego concert venue Humphries, Bobby rides in his own older model beat up R.V. and is playing at the bar at Humphries. You can buy B.B.’s albums anywhere, you can only buy Bobby Rush’s CD’s from his website or at his gigs.

This guy Bobby Rush, is something to watch. Not for folks who like their blues processed. You know how there are some goofy comedians who are funny but you don’t know if they are in on their own joke or not? Like Pauly Shore? Emo Phillips? Bobby Rush is sort of like the blues version of that. Jerry curl hair, wild costumes, hoochy mamma backup singers. But very good, straight up, literally-son-of-preacher-man wild-ass raunchy blues. Might go see him.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Let’s pull an Urlacher on their narrow behinds, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Stop that Mister persony person
At the Judy Garland museum in Grand Rapids, MI, a pair of the “Wizard of Oz” Ruby slippers were stolen. Police have issued an all-points-bulletin for Clay Aiken.

Latte years
A study reveals the coffee is loaded with beneficial disease fighting antioxidants. This explains why Mrs. Olsen from the old Folgers commercials is now 130 years old.

Nobody was hurt, but the family home of Green Bay Packer star Brett Favre was destroyed by hurricane Katrina. Witnesses say the winds were blowing harder than it is to correctly pronounce the name Favre.

Name game
Peerless Price was cut from the Atlanta Falcons. This is bad news for Price, now he has to change his name from Peerless Price to Run-Of-The Mill Price.

Raffy’s gone baffy
In Toronto, steroid-disgraced Viagra spokesperson slugger Rafael Palmiero wore earplugs to shut out the boos. At first Rafael tried sticking Viagra pills in his ears instead, but his ears got so big his batting helmet didn’t fit.

Hello stonedness my old friend
Singer Art Garfunkle was charged with marijuana possession for the second time in 19 months. When the police found the pot, Garfunkle tried to get out of it by saying it wasn’t pot but parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Santa Monica restaurant was shut down due to rats and roaches. They could have solved the problem earlier, but everybody thought Arnold was talking about himself when he said “Call the ex-terminator.”

Umm, no, Sir, that’s not what, oh forget it
It was awkward when the President was asked if he thought not meeting with Cindy Sheehan galvanized her demonstration, President Bush said; “I ain’t no gynecolologist, but I hear women her age need to get their demonstration galvanized once a year.”

Since you asked;
You folks don’t believe me about my stories about the psycho soccer moms around here but it is true.

I was driving with Virg and Ann Caroline and I told Virg about how, a couple of days before, I had seen this 40-ish women in her SUV on her cell phone – of course - at the Ralphs grocery store driving around the parking lot; suddenly she gets furious she can’t find a spot and stomps on the accelerator and screeches around three turns with rows filled with people and their little kids. Getting agitated all over again just thinking about what this vile woman did and how I wanted to yell at her, I told Virg;

“Just then, I found a parking spot, jumped out and looked all over for her but I didn’t find her. Man, I was really going to let her have it.”

“That’s very nice, ” Ann Caroline said from the backseat.

“What’s nice?” I asked.

“That you were going to let her have it. Have your parking spot.”

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Sometimes it just do it like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Fierce crime

At the Judy Garland museum in Grand Rapids, MI, a pair of the “Wizard of Oz” Ruby slippers were stolen. The culprit is believed to be armed, dangerous and extremely gay.

At the Judy Garland museum in Grand Rapids, MI, a pair of the “Wizard of Oz” Ruby slippers were stolen. The culprit is believed to be armed, dangerous and dressed absolutely fabulously.

Java jive
A study reveals coffee is loaded with beneficial disease fighting antioxidants. In a related story, Larry King is now expected to live forever.

A study reveals the coffee is loaded with beneficial disease fighting antioxidants. You thought Starbucks was expensive and snotty before, wait until they realize they’ve been saving lives.

A study reveals the coffee is loaded with beneficial disease fighting antioxidants. You thought Starbucks was expensive and snotty before? Now the Baristas make you sit in a waiting room for an hour before giving you a proscription for a double Latte.

How hot is it?
It has been so hot in Texas during the President’s vacation, Bush has been intentionally falling off his mountain bike just for the ice bag on his head.

Who knew?
HBO has a new mini-series on ancient Rome. It is very interesting. Apparently Rome was very colorful, very violent and crammed full of unemployed actors.

HBO has a new mini-series about ancient Rome. The series explains the politics of Rome, the strategies of Roman battles, their customs and religions. It explains everything except why everyone in Rome speaks in a snooty British accent.

Naughty boys
The third place Little League World Series team Ranch Buena Vista returned to a hero’s welcome. The 12-year-old boys got a parade, a key to the city, and they all got to get to second base on Heather Kingsly behind the Vista Seven Eleven.

Stewart gets off probation and gets to take off her ankle bracelet monitor. Finally, at long last, Martha will get to go to a happy hour at Hooters.

To compete against Donald Trump’s catch phrase, you’re fired, Martha Stewart’s apprentice show will have Martha fire them with: “You just don’t fit in.” This is better than Martha’s first suggestion: “I will drink your blood and you will become my evil minion for eternity.”

To compete against Donald Trump’s catch phrase, you’re fired, Martha Stewart’s apprentice show will have Martha fire them with: “You just don’t fit in.” Actually they had to shorten it. Martha really wanted; “You just don’t fit in . . . to the shallow grave I dug for my other equally inept and dead ex-workers.”

Since you asked:
Political views aside, grandstanding for free publicity is grandstanding for free publicity. In televised sports the press and the media learned that if they don’t show the idiots running naked on the field, then idiots don’t run naked on the field. When is the “real” press going to learn that?

The difference is that the press that covers these circus events is not the qualified, full time legitimate press. These are grasping free lancers – I know about grasping free lancers all to well - who only get paid if they sniff out dirty laundry and whore it out to the real press. NBC, CNN, CBS, MSNBC, Fox, and all the main players don’t go to a sight until it is a legitimate story. That leaves this blood thirsty crew of glorified Paparazzi to cover b.s. events like that psycho releasing doves at Michael Jackson’s acquittal.

Thankfully, we have freedom of speech in this country. Unfortunately, we have selfish jerks who abuse that right to try and make money and or get famous. And that includes these jackals covering all of these self-created media circuses. For the most part, these satellite “journalists” pay their way to these locations so, whether they have to fabricate an issue or not, they are going to find a way to cover their Southwestern flight, Ramada room bill, rental car, TGIF Happy hour tab and, last but not least, their “sensuous message.”

In my opinion, we need to ban all pit bulls, eliminate the designated hitter, stop all falling- magazine-card-subscription thingies and put some sort of license, or qualification to legitimize and muzzlel these media circus press vultures. All press should have to have some legitimate qualification besides having a haircut, a pulse, make-up, and an affected smarmy way of yammering into a microphone.

For “A.L.B.B.,” this has been Alex Kaseberg reporting. Gahhhhdmaaahning and have a synergistic tomorrow.

Kaseberg out.

P.S. We need a national program called Hurricane Assigned Irritating Reporter's Cruelty Unilaterally Terminated, or H.A.I.R.C.U.T., dedicated to saving these poor endangered hurricane reporters.

For some unknown reason, every news director in the country thinks we won’t know a hurricane is windy and wet until they send a flunky reporter down into harms way to tell us. Although, it is true, there is an over-abundance of these smarmy reporters, it is still cruel and unnecessary revenge for the reporter having groped the news director’s drunk, horny wife at the News Team’s Christmas party.

Please give to H.A.I.R.C.U.T. The life you save could be the next Geraldo Rivera.
Don’t be hatin’ up on the playas in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A study reveals the coffee is loaded with beneficial disease fighting antioxidants. In fact, if you have a really good HMO it will cover about half the cost of a Starbucks double Latte.

A study reveals the coffee is loaded with beneficial disease fighting antioxidants. In a related story, Starbucks will now open a chain of stores in all Rite Aids.

Now that’s hot
It has been hot in Texas during President Bush’s vacation. To give you an idea how hot, five boxes of crayons melted before the President could even color with them.

They should name a drink after weather conditions like that
Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. To show how strong the hurricane was, it actually blew some tops back on to women partying in the French Quarter.

Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. It was wild having a hurricane in New Orleans, it was so windy it would blow women’s tops off but then it would give them some plastic beads.

It was announced that fans attending NFL games will be subjected to heavy pat downs by security guards. In a related story, Ryan Seacrest just bought San Francisco Forty Niners season tickets.

Rough road home
Congratulations to the Little League World Series winners Hawaii. Hopefully this win might help take the sting out of the fact that now they have to go back and live in Hawaii.

Congratulations to the Little League World Series winners the Pacific resort paradise Island of Hawaii beating the Caribbean resort paradise island of Curacao. There really were no losers except for the rest of us who don’t get to go back to live in Hawaii or Curacao.

Curacao had a rough road to the World Series barely beating all the other famous liqueurs, Grand Marnier, Triple Sec and Kahlua.

Domestic Diva gone wild
In two days, Martha Stewart gets off probation and gets to take off her ankle bracelet monitor. Martha plans to go nuts: Popeyes Fried Chicken, Wal Mart and then the movie “The Dukes of Hazard.”

Update on Katrina.
Because of hurricane Katrina, residents of New Orleans were told to evacuate and generally everyone cooperated, well, except for the drunks and hookers. This just in: nobody left New Orleans.

And now here is a new feature all the good people at a.l.b.B came up with we like to call:

Things Lex gets, things Lex doesn’t get

Reality TV? Lex doesn’t get.

Keanu Reeves? Lex doesn’t get.

Justin Timberlake: Lex really doesn’t get.

Russell Crowe? He’s a greasy schmuck, but Lex gets it.

Larry David? Lex gets.

NASCAR? Lex doesn’t get.

Danica McKeller? Lex gets.

Scarlett Johanson? Lex doesn’t get.

Jessica Simpson? Lex doesn’t get but can see why others do.

Denise Richards? Man, does Lex get that.

Bobby Brown? Lex will never, ever, get that.

Soccer? Lex is just starting to get that.

Tom Cruise? Lex gets when he is in a movie not being himself.

HBO’s “Entourage”? Lex gets, especially the always awesome – and I’ve said this from his movie stealing scene in “Singles”- Jeremy Piven. But why is the lead character, Vince, such a damn whiner?

“Eww, I’m a movie star but I don’t want to be in a blockbuster movie. Ewww, you’ll pay me fifty million to be in a blockbuster? Oh, I guess so, but I don’t like it.. Eww, Mandy Moore just hurt my feelings, eww, I don’t want the fifty million, I’m gonna go sulk now.”

Enough. Slap him. This guy whines more than Larry David and that is really saying something. But at least Larry is funny when he whines.

Mandy Moore? Lex doesn’t get.

Lindsay Lohan? Hate to admit it, but Lex kinda gets that.

Referring to oneself in the third person? Lex doesn’t get that.