Friday, January 07, 2005

For shizzle this San Dizzle can flat out drizzle up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Poor Anna, and now we mean it . . .
Can you believe all this rain in Southern California? It’s been really hard on Anna Nicole Smith. Everyone is so pruny she can’t tell which billionaires are wrinkled because they’re old.

Survey says . . .
A survey reveals 43% get tired enough to want to take a nap at work. The other 57% are too excited to sleep because they’re looking at porn.

#8= 90th
Kobe Bryant’s #8 Lakers jersey has plummeted from the number one selling jersey down to the 90th. Part of the problem is that if you wear a Kobe Bryant jersey, you can’t get anyone to drop off room service to your hotel room.

I’m not surprised the Kobe Bryant jersey isn’t selling. You just try and get a date wearing a Kobe jersey. It’s like asking a girl out while wearing a Scott Peterson mask.

Counter suit
A viewer is suing NBC for $2.5 million because he claims the rat-eating scene in an episode of “Fear Factor” made him throw up. In a counter-suit, NBC is suing this viewer for being too stupid to change the channel.

If this case stands up, ABC is in big trouble. Ashlee Simpson’s singing at the Orange Bowl halftime made millions of viewers ill.

Speaking of noise
The movie “White Noise” opens this weekend. “White Noise” is about electronic paranormal experiences. “White Noise” is not about Ashlee Simpson’s Orange Bowl halftime performance.

Do the math, not the teacher
A teacher in Orange County has been charged with sleeping with two of her 13-year-old students. My guess is she was a math teacher. She was trying to show them how many times two times 13 goes into 30.

Good thing
They’ve now made a snowboarding helmet with a phone inside of it. Heaven forbid if there isn’t a communication device handy to instantly transmit when a stoner wants to say the word Dude.

Good question
An article in the Wall Street Journal said there is a growing trend of young mothers are sharing breast milk because milk banks are too expensive. Which leads guys to wonder, why can’t sperm banks be too expensive?

That’s nothing
Lindsay Lohan said she is a late bloomer and didn’t get breasts until she was 17. That’s no big deal, Bill Gates didn’t get any breasts until he was a 35-year-old billionaire.

Val Kilmer told that he intentionally flubbed his lines during his “Alexander” sex scenes with Angelina Jolie so they would have to do them over. Today, the high I.Q. club Mensa announced that Val Kilmer is now officially the smartest man in the world.

It figures
President Bush announced he wants to cut down on frivolous lawsuits. Upon hearing this, a lawyer was so upset, he spilled his coffee in his lap and is suing Starbucks for $50 million.

We kid the train crash
There was a bad train crash in Italy. Apparently Amtrak is outsourcing to Europe.

Since you asked, the soggy version:

The forecast for the Chargers/New York Jets game in San Diego is for cold rain. Chargers fans are not clear on this concept. Charger ticket-holders keep calling Qualcom stadium asking when the game is going to be postponed. When informed it isn’t postponed and they have to sit in the rain, they say; “Heh, heh. No, seriously, Dude, quit joking around, when are they going to re-schedule it?”

We Southern Californians can take earthquakes, dust storms and even fire storms, but toss a little rain our way and the entire population acts like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richey shoveling cow manure on “The Simple Life.” “Like, ewww. I’m all, like, so sure, it’s like yuck. Nasty. This is so ghetto.”

I've said it before, I'll say it again. We San Diegans, as well as the city of San Diego itself, just look goofy in rain. It's like a guy in a bow tie and straw hat eating a banana on a train. You don't know why, it just looks stupid.

It has been raining like crazy in Southern California. Here is my question: when it’s beautiful and warm, you see nothing but gorgeous women running around. When it rains, you don’t see any. Where do they go? Is there like a cavernous hot babe bad weather shelter they hide in?

Kasey and Wrigley, our resident Labradors, do not like the rain. For dogs bred to haul in icy winter Canadian fishing nets, they sure do whine when they get a little wet. (As a Lab lover pointed out to me when I mentioned this: "When was the last time you killed and cooked a Saber Tooth tiger?") OK, good point, but they do whine an awful lot. Especially Wrigley. His default expression is that of a very confused hound dog. Well, that confusion goes way up when it rains. And the rain causes Kasey's worried bear expression to furrow her brow even more.

Here’s another question: where in the instinctual evolutionary process did it become mandatory for dogs to get as close to you as possible before they shake off all the rain from their fur? Is that really part of the breeding?

Granted, given the tragedy of recent events, it is more than a little unseemly to whine about a lot of rain, but, still, enough is enough.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

It’s all about the all about up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . .. cold . . . was it?
Man it has been cold. Last night I was shaking like Scott Petterson will be on Valentines Day in prison.

Not buying it
Fox’s “Who’s Your Daddy?” was a rating flop because it just wasn’t believable. This girl had to guess which of the eight guys was her father and not one single one of them was an NBA player.

Fox’s “Who’s Your Daddy?” was a huge ratings flop. Imagine how bad it would have been if Fox had used their first idea for the name of the show: “Who Nailed Mommy?”

Eww, too bad
Miami Heat star Shaquille O’Neal was honored with performing the Orange Bowl opening coin toss. Embarrassingly, Shaq tried to toss the coin like a free throw and he missed the entire field.

That bad, huh?
In the Orange Bowl U.S.C. destroyed Oklahoma 55-19. How bad was it? To put it in Oklahoma terms, the Trojans treated Sooners like a tornado treats a trailer park.

For one, Paris Hilton was not surprised USC trounced Oklahoma. Paris said she much prefers guys who use Trojans over guys who are “Sooners.”

In an interview in “Newsweek” John Kerry said he didn’t lose the election, he just didn’t win it. And today the Oklahoma Sooners said they didn’t lose the Orange Bowl, they just didn’t win it by 36 points.

Today Scott Peterson said; “I didn’t kill my wife, I just didn’t not murder her.”

Loosen up Ryno baby
Chicago Cubs Ryne Sandburg was voted into the baseball Hall of Fame. Sandberg’s induction speech will be a snooze-fest. Now, I don’t want to say Ryno is a tad stiff, but Sandburg makes John Kerry look like Howard Dean.

Call now
Heidi Klum is engaged to singer Seal. For all you guys distraught over this information, there is a hotline to call: 1-800-Oh-Pleez.

That’s nice
Revealed-lip-syncher Ashlee Simpson was loudly booed after her painfully too-live performance at the Orange Bowl halftime. Ashlee performed so badly at the Orange Bowl she was named an honorary member of the Oklahoma Sooner football team.

Afterwards, Ashlee Simpson blamed her poor performance on the fact that her Father picked the wrong vocal cords for her.

Since you asked:
We have a “friend” that is a no-inhale talker. Have you ever seen this? This woman can talk so much and so fast and so long without seemingly ever taking a breath. It’s amazing. As a harmonica player, I would love to know how she does it. Is it some Jedi nose-breathing technique? Granted, based on what she has to say, she doesn’t need much oxygen going to her brain, but still, assuming she is human and doesn’t rip off her rubber face to reveal she’s an alien, she has to breathe, right?

You say hello and she is off.

No-inhale Talker: “Oh, hi, yes, I called Virginia and we talked about what (now she is really gathering steam) we’re going to do Thursday night and we agreed that it would be best to take the kids to the mall because now the crowds are smaller (Now you can’t listen to what she is saying because you are waiting for her to inhale, but it never comes) and it won’t be as nuts as it was last week when it was unbelievable . . . (like a runaway train down the Sierras, she just picks up steam)

sevenifthat’sOKwithyouandthenyoucouldmeetusthereandDanwillcomeanditwillbegreat. So what do you think?”

All of a sudden she comes to a screeching halt and you know she’s asked you a question and you have no idea what it is. And you can’t say “Fine” because she might be asking you to watch her likewise no-inhale-talking kids.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

They best better step off or they gonna get played, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Odd couples
In the Orange Bowl U.S.C. meets Oklahoma. That’s quite a diverse group of fans. It’s like a Kenny-G concert at a NASCAR race.

BAd timing
A judge ruled that Anna Nicole Smith gets none of her husband’s $88.5 million. Boy did she pick the wrong time to get skinny.

Now that's rain
It has been pouring in Southern California. In Hollywood, it was raining so hard, it actually washed people into a theater showing the movie “Alexander.”

Thanks for the mental image, Lex
Donald Trump is coming out with a line of hair care products. That’s like Michael Moore coming out with his own line of thong underwear.

OK, here is what you do . . .
In Britain’s “The Sun” newspaper, “Desperate Housewives” sex kitten Teri Hatcher claims she hasn’t had sex in four years. Poor thing. Here’s a suggestion, Teri. If you want to have sex, walk into any bar in the U.S. point to any man and say; “You’ll do.” Problem solved.

Not to be redundant or to repeat myself . . .
The Anaheim Angels have changed their name to the Los Angeles Angels. Los Angeles means the Angels in Spanish. So that makes them the Angels Angels. Calling the department of redundancy department.

Good move
The Anaheim Angels have changed their name to the Los Angeles Angels. They changed the name to try and attract a wider fan base. In a related story, the Arizona Diamondbacks changed their name to the Everything West of the Mississippi Diamondbacks.

People in Anaheim are incensed by their team’s name change. Anaheim and Los Angeles are different. The closest Anaheim has had to a gang war was one report of a drive-bye honking.

Lighten up, Rummy
Although it has quieted down, controversy about Def. Sec. Donald Rumsfeld continues. Rumsfeld could help his cause if he would lighten up. Rummy always has that expression of somebody either desperately trying to pass gas, or who suspects that somebody else has.

This is from earlier this week

Oh yes, it gonna be like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Serious shaking going on
We had quite a storm here in Southern California. Last night I was shaking like the recently un-inherited Anna Nicole Smith trying to cash a two-party check at Wal Mart.

Poor Anna, and this time we really mean it
A U.S. appeals court has overturned a lower court's decision to give Anna Nicole Smith $88.5 million of her late billionaire husband's fortune. A spokesperson for Anna Nicole Smith said; “Anyone need to hire a spokesperson?”

That sound you just heard was the screeching tires of the lawyers, accountants, chefs, gardeners, maids, personal trainers and personal assistants fleeing the Anna Nicole Smith estate.

I sure hope Anna Nicole Smith had a good 2004 because it sure looks like she is going to spend 2005 saying; “Welcome to Hooters, enjoy happy hour.”

I hope she Freys as well
The mistress of Scott Peterson, Amanda Frey, called a press conference to announce she merely wants her privacy back. Oh, and also that she is coming out with a tell-all book and will go on a promotional book tour. And nothing says privacy like touring the talk shows to promote a book.

I’m not sure, but I think the name of Amber Frey’s book is “I’m cashing in on the murder of my lover’s wife and afterwards I’m going to hell for all of eternity.”

Guys, rule of thumb. Before you murder your pregnant, sweet, lovable and kind wife for another woman, make sure that woman isn't a golddigging greedy whore. OK?

Leaving the double murder out of it, Peterson should fry just for being so stupid.