Friday, December 03, 2004

This just in:

“Self” magazine claims having sex makes your wounds heal faster. Unless of course you’re having sex with O.J. Simpson, Scott Peterson or Robert Blake.

Must See Jihad
There is a new Muslim cable network called “Bridges” It will air some new exciting shows like “Everybody Loves Akmed,” “Mullah in the Middle” and “CSI: Fallujah.”

I’m not sure about the Muslim network's one new show: “Pimp My Camel.”

That’s what I’m talkin’ about up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . . cold . . .
It’s still cold in Los Angeles. Last night I was shaking like Star Jones husband worrying about the FDA approving a female Viagra.

Makes sense
The FDA turned down approval for the female version of Viagra. They decided that one Paris Hilton was enough.

The FDA turned down approval for the female version of Viagra. And why shouldn’t they? We already have the female version of Viagra. It’s called alcohol.

Good one, Barry
Barry Bonds testified that he did use steroids, but he claims he didn’t know they were steroids when he used them. “Sure, ossifer, I may be (hic) driving drunk, but I shwear I didn’t know those ten margaritas had tequila in them.”

Next to “Ministers Gone Wild”
In Pennsylvania, the United Methodist Church voted to defrock a lesbian minister. In a related story, the Adult movie “Defrocked Lesbian” will soon be available at your local Hustler store.

Vavavah Anna
Anna Benson said of her husband New York Mets pitcher Kris Benson; "I told him- "cheat on me all you want," she said. "If you get caught, I'm going to screw everybody on your entire team, coaches, trainers, players." Upon hearing this, Mike Piazza called a press conference to announce that, even though he is still not gay, even if he was he would still do Anna Benson.”

Have you seen a picture of this Anna Benson? Well, Kobe Bryant did and he demanded an immediate trade to the New York Mets.

Four, three, two . . . and that other thing
Did you see the embarrassing moment during President Bush’s countdown to light the Christmas tree. Bush said, “Ten, nine, eight . . . psst, Cheney, what’s after eight?”


Did you see the embarrassing moment during President Bush’s countdown to light the Christmas tree. Bush said, “Ten, nine, eight, seven, six . . .” Cut to: shoeless Bush counting his toes.

That explains it
Victor Conte, the head of the investigated steroid lab BALCO, testified that most professional athletes take steroids. Symptoms of steroid use include bigger, stronger muscles, increased stamina and a tendency to fly into a rage when a Detroit Piston fan throws a beer on you.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

We S-ballin’ and P-callin' all up in this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . cold . . . was . . . it?
It’s still cold in Los Angeles. Last night I was shaking like a leftover Bush cabinet member.

What’s it called, Offyourfeetra?
The FDA is considering approving a female Viagra. It will include the warning, “If the effect lasts longer than four hours, please consult Paris Hilton.”

The pill is said to correct sexual dysfunction in women. Isn’t that called aspirin?

The pill is said to correct sexual dysfunction in women. What, exactly, is sexual dysfunction in women? The inability to say yes and lie down?

They asked prominent Washington officials what they did when they found out there was no Santa Claus. Condoleeza Rice said she ran into her room and cried. Dick Cheney said, he went out to their Montana barn and sulked; and President Bush said; “There’s no Santa Claus?”

A good deal
The office supply company Staples has auctioned off staplers designed by celebrities and the highest bid was for the Paris Hilton stapler at $1,005. The Paris Hilton stapler has an added feature. Whenever you stick two things together, you get a videotape of it.

That sounds harsh
The San Francisco Chronicle reported that New York Yankee slugger Jason Giambi testified that he obtained steroids from Barry Bonds’s trainer. But Barry Bonds refuses to admit that he uses steroids. An angry Bonds said that anyone who thinks he uses steroids can kiss his five testicles.

The difference between Flake and Fake? No L, no L
For the first time in public Jessica and Ashlee Simpson are going to sing together in a Christmas special. I think Jessica and Ashlee’s duet is called “The Flake and the Fake.”

Or a breakfast nook
President Bush named Carlos Guiterez, the CEO of Kellogg, as secretary of commerce. Now Bush plans to name the CEO’s of Hostess and Sara Lee; it’s part of his plan to turn his cabinet into a pantry.

Since you asked:
You know how all of those erectile dysfunction drugs, like Viagra and Levitra, run the disclaimer? “In cases where the erection lasts longer than four hours, please consult a physician.” First of all, I can hear millions of women saying in unison; “Why don’t you mind your own damn business.” Especially that saucy “My man uses Levitra" minx. Rrrrrrrrr, ruuffff.

Second, what the hell is the doctor going to do? And wouldn’t that be the longest wait ever in a doctor’s office? “Yes, you sir, facing the wall, the doctor will see you now.”

Seriously, have doctors been given a crash course in what to do in case a Viagra or Levitra erection goes haywire? “Hmm, have you tried that thing guys used to do as teenagers in the bathroom?” Or maybe they’ve been provided with a magic phrase that will end the problem on the spot: “Janet Reno in a bikini, Janet Reno in a bikini, Janet Reno . . . see? The problem is gone.” “Oh Doctor, thank you. Now can you give me a pill that will get that image out of my head so I may one day have sex again?”

But all a doctor would really have to do to cure a four-hour haywire erection would be to greet the patient in the exam room while holding a big ol’ hammer.

Levitra and Viagra advertise that they improve the quality of the erection. Has that ever been a problem? Isn't the quality of an erection like the quality of pizza? Even when it's bad it's still pretty damn good. And has a man ever said; "No, honey, not tonight. It's not that I don't have an erection, it's just that I'm not all that happy with the quality of it."

I don't think so.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

We gonna kick it ‘till we stick it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A long time

Tom Brokaw is retiring after over 20 years as the NBC anchor. Over twenty years, that’s like fifty J. Lo and Britney Spears marriages.

Not good
The Michigan D.A. is considering pressing charges against the Indiana Pacers involved in the Detroit Pistons fan brawl. This could set a tricky precedent of the law intervening in sports. Now the Chicago Bulls can be arrested for stealing when they cash their paychecks.

The one question he couldn’t answer
They aired the episode of “Jeopardy” where Ken Jennings lost after 74 episodes. Do you know what question messed him up? What’s it like not to be a virgin?

Hate to see that, eh?
Did you see Bush’s address to Canada? It was a little embarrassing. President Bush thanked the Canadians for inviting him to their fine country of Canadiana.

Color me surprised
Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge announced his resignation. Rumor has it if he hadn’t resigned, Ridge would have been fired and received a pink slip. And a green slip, and a yellow slip, and a red slip and a blue slip.

Makes sense
Merriam-Webster Inc. said the most looked-up word on its Internet sites this year was blog, which is short for Web log. You know what the second, third and fourth most looked up words were? Paris Hilton’s Video.

Poor guy
Well, we finally have some news from that Ukraine election mess. We don’t know yet who won, but we do know who finished last: Ralph Nader.

Bad luck
Remember those two turkeys that President Bush pardoned right before Thanksgiving? I think they were named Biscuit and Gravy. They were missing. The good news is they found them. The bad news? They are imprisoned at Camp X-Ray at Guantanamo Bay.

Much thanks to give
Martha Stewart spent Thanksgiving in prison away from her family. In a related story, Martha Stewart’s family had to spend much more time than usual giving thanks.

Nice holiday touch
You can tell it’s Christmas time in Los Angeles. Rodney King puts a wreath on his car before he crashes it.

Cutting the mustard
In college hoops, Dijon Thompson’s 25 points led UCLA over Long Beach State, 75- 62. Rumor has it the Los Angeles Lakers are interested in Thompson because they think he could play well with Kobe Bryant; everyone knows Dijon goes well with a hot dog.

You deserve a Heidi today
Super Model Heidi Klum has signed an endorsement deal with McDonalds. If she isn’t careful, Heidi could become the first Super-sized Super Model.

Oh yeah, I believe Heidi Klum eats at McDonalds. Just like I believe Donald Trump shops at Office Depot.

Since you asked:
Many, many of you have asked, Lex, since you are the preeminent comedy/sports writer, what do you really feel about the Ron Artest incident? OK, actually, nobody asked that, but would it have killed just one of you to have asked it? Huh? Let’s get on that, Slats and Nuggies.

Several years ago now, NBA players filled out a survey that featured the question: “What do you think the average person outside the NBA makes a year in salary?” The AVERAGE answer? $150,000. Out of touch doesn’t even begin to describe these pampered egomaniacs.

Maury Povich’s father, Shirley Povich, was a renowned columnist for the Washington Post for 75 years. He covered everything, but he loved sports most of all. Shirley Povich once wrote that the ego of the average major league baseball player far exceeds that of leaders of sizeable nations. And NBA players are much worse than baseball players.

Another great sports writer, Rick Reilly, wrote that if the fans had any idea of the depth of contempt most professional athletes have for the fans, they would never spend another minute watching sports. We saw just a trace of that contempt with Ron Artest. Is that Artest’s fault? How can you fault someone for being a spoiled, stupid, selfish jerk? What you need to fault is a business that caters to spoiled, stupid, selfish jerks. The NBA.

You don’t think the NBA caters to spoiled, stupid, selfish jerks? The Los Angeles Lakers have bent over backwards to cater to every silly, self-absorbed whim of that now-revealed-total-a**-hole, Kobe Bryant.

By catering to and marketing towards these totally self-centered elements, NBA commissioner David Stern may as well have been the one to charge into the stands and punch that fan. The same fan that paid at least $50 bucks for the right to get punched. Was the fan that threw the beer an idiot? Of course. What a waste of a good beer. There are going to be drunken idiots at games, that has never changed. What has changed is the feeling of entitlement -oh no, there’s that dreaded word again – that has overwhelmed these pampered players. A sense of entitlement to the extent that Artest actually felt entitled to attack someone who “disrespected him.” (Never, in the endeavor of mankind, has so much respect been demanded and yet so undeserved)

Prior to the Ron “Not the Sm”Artest incident, the NBA was hemorrhaging money: TV ratings, advertising, ticket sales, all are way down. Now the NBA just slit their wrists. Not only would I not ever pay to see an NBA game, nor would I ever sit down to watch a non-crucial playoff game, but I don’t know anybody who would. My friends and I cannot be that much different than a great deal of other folks out there. I never thought I would say this about a once great game, but if the NBA were to fold, I would not give a rat’s ass.

But, I have to admit, it would be kinda fun to watch all of those unemployed NBA players applying for all of those $150,000 dollar jobs waiting for them at McDonalds.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

We gettin' or ho, ho, ho on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hate to see that
Did you see that embarrassing event in San Francisco during the battle of the last place NFL teams, the Dolphin vs. the Forty Niners? After a San Francisco fan threw a glass of Cabernet at the players, the players ran into the stands to fight the fans and the fans beat the crap out of them.

The gift of the Kobe
Here’s a shopping idea. Office supply company Staples is auctioning staplers designed by, among other stars, Kobe Bryant. Kobe’s stapler is perfect for stapling together those pesky room service and jewelry store receipts.

Alexander the Over-Produced
Oliver Stone’s epic, “Alexander” was an opening bust at the box office. The movie is about Alexander the Great, but, according to critics, Stone’s version is based on Alexander the So-So.

How bad is “Alexander” doing? It turns out that Alexander is an ancient Greek word that, roughly translated, means “Ben Affleck.”

Or something like that
Today is Monday following Thanksgiving. Or as it is better known, now-that-they’re-gone, we can-finally-talk-about-the-relatives-behind-their-backs day.

Today is the Monday following Thanksgiving. Or as it is better known, “If I have one more turkey sandwich, I’m going to punch a Pistons fan” day.

You think you had a rough Thanksgiving? In Indiana, a relative accidentally spilled beer on Pacer Ron Artest, and Artest ran on to the table and punched the turkey.

Too bad Rumor, Scout and Tallulah were already taken . . .
Congratulations to Julia Roberts who had twins. She and her husband named the boy and girl Phinneaus and Hazel. Apparently the names Wedgie-Me and Dateless were already taken.