This just in:

Ouch
“Self” magazine claims having sex makes your wounds heal faster. Unless of course you’re having sex with O.J. Simpson, Scott Peterson or Robert Blake.

Must See Jihad
There is a new Muslim cable network called “Bridges” It will air some new exciting shows like “Everybody Loves Akmed,” “Mullah in the Middle” and “CSI: Fallujah.”

I’m not sure about the Muslim network's one new show: “Pimp My Camel.”

That’s what I’m talkin’ about up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . . cold . . .
It’s still cold in Los Angeles. Last night I was shaking like Star Jones husband worrying about the FDA approving a female Viagra.

Makes sense
The FDA turned down approval for the female version of Viagra. They decided that one Paris Hilton was enough.

The FDA turned down approval for the female version of Viagra. And why shouldn’t they? We already have the female version of Viagra. It’s called alcohol.

Good one, Barry
Barry Bonds testified that he did use steroids, but he claims he didn’t know they were steroids when he used them. “Sure, ossifer, I may be (hic) driving drunk, but I shwear I didn’t know those ten margaritas had tequila in them.”

Next to “Ministers Gone Wild”
In Pennsylvania, the United Methodist Church voted to defrock a lesbian minister. In a related story, the Adult movie “Defrocked Lesbian” will soon be available at your local Hustler store.

Vavavah Anna
Anna Benson said of her husband New York Mets pitcher Kris Benson; "I told him- "cheat on me all you want," she said. "If you get caught, I'm going to screw everybody on your entire team, coaches, trainers, players." Upon hearing this, Mike Piazza called a press conference to announce that, even though he is still not gay, even if he was he would still do Anna Benson.”

Have you seen a picture of this Anna Benson? Well, Kobe Bryant did and he demanded an immediate trade to the New York Mets.

Four, three, two . . . and that other thing
Did you see the embarrassing moment during President Bush’s countdown to light the Christmas tree. Bush said, “Ten, nine, eight . . . psst, Cheney, what’s after eight?”

or

Did you see the embarrassing moment during President Bush’s countdown to light the Christmas tree. Bush said, “Ten, nine, eight, seven, six . . .” Cut to: shoeless Bush counting his toes.

That explains it
Victor Conte, the head of the investigated steroid lab BALCO, testified that most professional athletes take steroids. Symptoms of steroid use include bigger, stronger muscles, increased stamina and a tendency to fly into a rage when a Detroit Piston fan throws a beer on you.