We S-ballin’ and P-callin' all up in this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
How . . cold . . . was . . . it?
It’s still cold in Los Angeles. Last night I was shaking like a leftover Bush cabinet member.
What’s it called, Offyourfeetra?
The FDA is considering approving a female Viagra. It will include the warning, “If the effect lasts longer than four hours, please consult Paris Hilton.”
The pill is said to correct sexual dysfunction in women. Isn’t that called aspirin?
The pill is said to correct sexual dysfunction in women. What, exactly, is sexual dysfunction in women? The inability to say yes and lie down?
Huh?
They asked prominent Washington officials what they did when they found out there was no Santa Claus. Condoleeza Rice said she ran into her room and cried. Dick Cheney said, he went out to their Montana barn and sulked; and President Bush said; “There’s no Santa Claus?”
A good deal
The office supply company Staples has auctioned off staplers designed by celebrities and the highest bid was for the Paris Hilton stapler at $1,005. The Paris Hilton stapler has an added feature. Whenever you stick two things together, you get a videotape of it.
That sounds harsh
The San Francisco Chronicle reported that New York Yankee slugger Jason Giambi testified that he obtained steroids from Barry Bonds’s trainer. But Barry Bonds refuses to admit that he uses steroids. An angry Bonds said that anyone who thinks he uses steroids can kiss his five testicles.
The difference between Flake and Fake? No L, no L
For the first time in public Jessica and Ashlee Simpson are going to sing together in a Christmas special. I think Jessica and Ashlee’s duet is called “The Flake and the Fake.”
Or a breakfast nook
President Bush named Carlos Guiterez, the CEO of Kellogg, as secretary of commerce. Now Bush plans to name the CEO’s of Hostess and Sara Lee; it’s part of his plan to turn his cabinet into a pantry.
Since you asked:
You know how all of those erectile dysfunction drugs, like Viagra and Levitra, run the disclaimer? “In cases where the erection lasts longer than four hours, please consult a physician.” First of all, I can hear millions of women saying in unison; “Why don’t you mind your own damn business.” Especially that saucy “My man uses Levitra" minx. Rrrrrrrrr, ruuffff.
Second, what the hell is the doctor going to do? And wouldn’t that be the longest wait ever in a doctor’s office? “Yes, you sir, facing the wall, the doctor will see you now.”
Seriously, have doctors been given a crash course in what to do in case a Viagra or Levitra erection goes haywire? “Hmm, have you tried that thing guys used to do as teenagers in the bathroom?” Or maybe they’ve been provided with a magic phrase that will end the problem on the spot: “Janet Reno in a bikini, Janet Reno in a bikini, Janet Reno . . . see? The problem is gone.” “Oh Doctor, thank you. Now can you give me a pill that will get that image out of my head so I may one day have sex again?”
But all a doctor would really have to do to cure a four-hour haywire erection would be to greet the patient in the exam room while holding a big ol’ hammer.
Levitra and Viagra advertise that they improve the quality of the erection. Has that ever been a problem? Isn't the quality of an erection like the quality of pizza? Even when it's bad it's still pretty damn good. And has a man ever said; "No, honey, not tonight. It's not that I don't have an erection, it's just that I'm not all that happy with the quality of it."
I don't think so.
How . . cold . . . was . . . it?
It’s still cold in Los Angeles. Last night I was shaking like a leftover Bush cabinet member.
What’s it called, Offyourfeetra?
The FDA is considering approving a female Viagra. It will include the warning, “If the effect lasts longer than four hours, please consult Paris Hilton.”
The pill is said to correct sexual dysfunction in women. Isn’t that called aspirin?
The pill is said to correct sexual dysfunction in women. What, exactly, is sexual dysfunction in women? The inability to say yes and lie down?
Huh?
They asked prominent Washington officials what they did when they found out there was no Santa Claus. Condoleeza Rice said she ran into her room and cried. Dick Cheney said, he went out to their Montana barn and sulked; and President Bush said; “There’s no Santa Claus?”
A good deal
The office supply company Staples has auctioned off staplers designed by celebrities and the highest bid was for the Paris Hilton stapler at $1,005. The Paris Hilton stapler has an added feature. Whenever you stick two things together, you get a videotape of it.
That sounds harsh
The San Francisco Chronicle reported that New York Yankee slugger Jason Giambi testified that he obtained steroids from Barry Bonds’s trainer. But Barry Bonds refuses to admit that he uses steroids. An angry Bonds said that anyone who thinks he uses steroids can kiss his five testicles.
The difference between Flake and Fake? No L, no L
For the first time in public Jessica and Ashlee Simpson are going to sing together in a Christmas special. I think Jessica and Ashlee’s duet is called “The Flake and the Fake.”
Or a breakfast nook
President Bush named Carlos Guiterez, the CEO of Kellogg, as secretary of commerce. Now Bush plans to name the CEO’s of Hostess and Sara Lee; it’s part of his plan to turn his cabinet into a pantry.
Since you asked:
You know how all of those erectile dysfunction drugs, like Viagra and Levitra, run the disclaimer? “In cases where the erection lasts longer than four hours, please consult a physician.” First of all, I can hear millions of women saying in unison; “Why don’t you mind your own damn business.” Especially that saucy “My man uses Levitra" minx. Rrrrrrrrr, ruuffff.
Second, what the hell is the doctor going to do? And wouldn’t that be the longest wait ever in a doctor’s office? “Yes, you sir, facing the wall, the doctor will see you now.”
Seriously, have doctors been given a crash course in what to do in case a Viagra or Levitra erection goes haywire? “Hmm, have you tried that thing guys used to do as teenagers in the bathroom?” Or maybe they’ve been provided with a magic phrase that will end the problem on the spot: “Janet Reno in a bikini, Janet Reno in a bikini, Janet Reno . . . see? The problem is gone.” “Oh Doctor, thank you. Now can you give me a pill that will get that image out of my head so I may one day have sex again?”
But all a doctor would really have to do to cure a four-hour haywire erection would be to greet the patient in the exam room while holding a big ol’ hammer.
Levitra and Viagra advertise that they improve the quality of the erection. Has that ever been a problem? Isn't the quality of an erection like the quality of pizza? Even when it's bad it's still pretty damn good. And has a man ever said; "No, honey, not tonight. It's not that I don't have an erection, it's just that I'm not all that happy with the quality of it."
I don't think so.
posted by Alex at
11:55 AM
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