Thursday, November 18, 2004

We best watch our moderate behinds up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who does this guy think he is?
President Bush has dismissed practically his entire White House team. Who does this guy think he is, Kobe Bryant?

Not good
Scott Peterson awaits his sentencing. I’m not saying it doesn’t look good, but his attorney, Mark Garegos, asked to be paid today in cash.

It’s not looking good for Scott Peterson, today they took out the green bananas from his cell.

The New York State Athletic Commission has placed 42-year-old Evander Holyfield on indefinite suspension for "poor performance." I don’t want to say Holyfield is too old, but during his last fight, in between the rounds, when he spit out his mouthpiece, his teeth came with it.

That’s too bad, they already had the title for Evander’s next Las Vegas fight: “The Geezer at Caeser’s”

How old is Evander? Will he ever don his boxing trunks again? Depends.

On E-Bay, there was a grilled cheese sandwich for sale with the image of the Virgin Mary on it. Bids were up to $22,000. And for $3.99, there was also a cucumber for sale with the image of Paris Hilton.

Oh, snap, I know you didn’t say that . . .
The opening of the Clinton Library in Little Rock Arkansas was met with rain. That’s OK, the rain helped the interns get the stains out off their dresses.

I called the Butterball turkey hotline. You know who answered? Ralph Nader.

Holiday warning
Folks, be careful this Thanksgiving. You have a few beers watching the games, you eat all that turkey with that sleep-inducing tryptophan, next thing you know, you’re talking like Anna Nicole Smith.

A lot
The government recalled 800,000 Bowflex exercise machines. 800,000. Do you have any idea how much drying laundry will now have to be moved?

Do I want that?
Have you heard about Hardee’s new Monster Thickburger? Two 1/3 pound patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese, butter and mayo. I’m not sure about their ads for it:

“Eat just one Monster Thickburger and you’ll feel like the Vice President.”

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Whoa, we slammin' like the proverbial one-armed-paper-hanger up in this Hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Are you ready for some free promotion?
I’m not sure ABC was sincere in their apology for their “Desperate Housewives” skit on “Monday Night Football.” ABC said;

“So sorry about the “Desperate Housewives” skit which airs on ABC at nine on Sundays, eight central time, repeat “Desperate Housewives” on ABC on Sundays at nine, eight central.

How in the world did Terrell Owens concentrate enough to catch three touchdown passes after filming in front of a naked Nicolette Sheridan? And he accuses Jeff Garcia of being gay?

Applications are available. No, really.
A spokesperson for the Vibe Awards said that Monday’s stabbing would not mar the event and the Vibe Awards will continue next year. In addition, he added that several security positions for next year’s Vibe Awards have now suddenly become available.

Since you asked:

Whew, been slogging away at yet another lengthy outside-the-normal load writing project.

Slats, and Nuggies, we may have had a communication error. When I said I wanted to be a comedy writer, that didn’t mean I wanted to have to write comedy all damn day. That meant I wanted to drink wine, eat grilled Chicago sausages with mustard, play the harmonica, computer poker and take lots and lots of naps while people paid me lots and lots of cash. Repeat. Lots and lots of naps with lots and lots of cash. Are we clear on this?

It’s like the great satirist Peter DeVries said; “I love being a writer, I just hate all of the paperwork.”

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

It’s a thang thing, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That explains it
Sec. Of State Colin Powell resigned. President Bush accepted Powell’s resignation because, like Bush found out Attorney General John Ashcroft wasn’t a real general, Bush discovered that, although a real general, Powell was neither a secretary nor a state.

Shiver your timber
Man, it was a little chilly last night. I was shaking like Liza Minelli’s bodyguard when she asked him to tuck her into bed.

Liza Minelli’s bodyguard is suing her for forcing him to have sex and allegedly beating him. This guy better hope he wins because he ain’t gonna work as a tough, bodyguard after he claims that Liza Minelli gave him a beat-down and had her way with him.

At Bodyguard boot camp they apparently don't teach drunk diva defense techniques.

What are the odds
Scott Peterson was convicted of murder in a shocking verdict. It wasn’t shocking because he was convicted, it was shocking because a California jury finally got a verdict right.

Who knows?
There are many questions that remain following Yasser Arafat’s burial. Who will lead Palestine? Will there be more unrest? How did Arafat constantly maintain a six-day beard stubble? Will the restaurant get the tablecloth back that Arafat wore on his head?

Mourners in Palestine marked Yasser Arafat’s passing. For the entire week, the rocks Palestinian youths threw at Israeli tanks were painted black.

You hate to see that
There was an embarrassing scene at the cremation of Yassar Arafat. No sooner than the cremator lit the fire, a Palestinian youth picked up the burning corpse and threw it an Israeli tank.

Spice Wreck
This week in Amsterdam, a man was convicted of harassing a Spice Girl, Melanie C. Yeah, apparently in Amsterdam, it is considered harassment to shout; “No, for the last time, I do not want an autograph.”

It was a little ugly, Melanie C had to wrestle him down and twist his arm until he shouted; “OK, I give, Sporty is my favorite Spice Girl, not Posh.”

Reverse Sexism
If you watch commercials for football games, you could deduce that all men go moronically berserk over beer, entertainment gadgets and hot-looking women. At best it’s reverse sexism, at worst it is demeaning, degrading and . . . whoa, get outta my way, I gotta TiVo those Coors twins.

Since you asked:
Sorry about the lack of material lately, Slats and Nugs. (Now you’re sorry? It’s been weak since the get-go) Oh, be quiet. (No, you be quiet) See that? I am arguing with my own diatribe.

Anyway, I have been slaving away on my board game project. Well, slaving might be a bit much . . .