Saturday, March 13, 2004

Oh man, I got a weak back. When did I get that weak back? Oh, about a week back, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(That joke is so old and tired and it still cracks me up. Thanks forever to three comic legends, Gay Willy, Dirty Apples and Pitty. Now get out at the damn Slauson cut-off)

Baby, baby, where did our love go?
Singer Diana Ross was ordered back to jail by an Arizona judge because she failed to complete a two-day sentence for a wildly drunken driving incident in Tucson. In addition, it appears that Ross did not compete her tour of duty in the Alabama National guard.

Type casting
Barbra Striesand and Dustin Hoffman will play Ben Stiller’s Greg Focker’s character’s parents in the sequel to “Meet the Parents” titled “Meet the Fockers.” This is good casting, because, according to the consensus, Striesand and Hoffman are the two biggest Fockers in Hollywood.

Republicans like this casting move, because, according to the Bush administration, Barbra Striesand has always been a mother Focker.

Oh, we kid the Babs. No we don’t, she seems like a real vurxg. (See the keyboard letter to the right of vurxg) Babs is Martha Stewart without the cooking skills.

Let’s get under the Hollywood hairdryers, shall we?
But seriously, according to sources none other than Robert Redford, legendary screen writer William Goldman and Oscar winning “Tootsie” writer Larry Gilbert have all concurred, in print, that Dustin Hoffman is basically a miserable little oeuxj. (See the keyboard letters to the right of oeuxj) In fact, after working with Hoffman, Gilbert said the lesson he learned after writing “Tootsie” was;

“Never work with an actor who is shorter than the Oscar statue.”

Goldman described Hoffman as pure evil. There was a particularly ugly situation where Hoffman was essentially torturing legendary and then infirmed and aged actor Sir Lawrence Olivier during the filming of “Marathon Man” because the Napoleonic Hoffman was horribly insecure around the far better actor, Olivier.

But I am going to rent “Meet the Fockers” when it comes out on DVD/tape. “Meet the Parents” was so funny it was almost painful to watch. Stiller is hilarious, and I can only hope they brought back the nightmare ex-boyfriend Owen Wilson. “I don’t like to be painted with that brush” has got to be one of the all time great, horse’s ass lines in memory.

Since you asked:
Arrepentido para la mierda. This is what I have to tell our guy, Andy Flores, our pal who does our – and most of the neighbor’s – lawn when I have failed to pick up all the doggy deposits. (I also grease him with a fin, as they say in the gangster movies) Arrepentido para la mierda translates to: sorry for the djoy. (Look to the letters just to the left of djoy on the keyboard)

That applies to many things, doesn’t it? That covers a lot of ground. Maybe I should change the name of this blog from “A Little Bit Bad” to “Arrepentido para la mierda?”

Friday, March 12, 2004

We got the real thizzy up in this here Hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You’re fired
*Did you see the last “Apprentice?” It was wild. Donald Trump fired Martha Stewart.

It don’t add up
*Our educators say we aren’t producing enough qualified math students to keep good jobs from going to Asia. When informed our students math scores would have to go up 30% to compete, one student said; “30%? Wow, that’s like double.”

Good start
*The House passed a bill to ban people from suing fast food places for making them fat. This is a good start. Next they are going to ban people from suing “Jeopardy” because they’re stupid and stop people from suing mirror companies because they’re ugly.

That and they don’t print Million-dollar bills
*Did you hear about the Atlanta woman, Alice Pike, who tried to buy $1,600 worth of Wal-Mart goods with a counterfeit one million dollar bill? The first sign the bill was fake was it was that it was inscribed; “In Martha Stewart We Trust.”

*The NHL suspended Vancouver all-star Todd Bertuzzi for the rest of the year for his brutal sucker attack on Colorado Avalanche rookie Steve Moore. Have you seen the attack? Bertuzzi treated Moore like President Bush treats a well-structured sentence.

Tonya we hardly missed ye
*Tonya Harding is going to skate for the Indianapolis Ice of the Central Hockey League tonight. Note to the opposing team: Make sure you strap your knee and shin guards on extra tight.

I think the Tonya Harding promotion is called “Hub Caps, Marlboros and Lucky beer night.”

A leg up on the competition
*A UCLA medical school official has been charged with selling cadavers body parts. It wasn’t a bad deal. For $100 you could get real piece of mind.

Supposedly the guy was a good listener, because, for the right price, he’d lend you an ear. Sorry.

Who would have thought of selling body parts? As a creative entrepreneur, you really have to hand it to him.

Have a great weekend, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Thursday, March 11, 2004

How he do that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Again, how hot was it?
*It is hot. I was sweating like President Bush telling Rosie O'Donnell she can't be married to her girlfriend.

What a Piker
*Did you hear about the Atlanta woman, Alice Pike, who tried to buy $1,600 worth of Wal-Mart goods with a counterfeit one million dollar bill? The first sign that the one million dollar bill was a fake was that it had a picture of President Donald Trump.

Where's the pick-a-nick basket, Boo Boo?
*Did you see the picture of John Kerry standing over Howard Dean? They look like Yogi and Boo Boo bear.

Rhyme in time
*O.J. Simpson is now being accused of stealing satellite TV. He might have to hire Johnny Cochran. "If his TV shows snow, he's not watching HBO."

Hand jive
*George Michael said he will retire from making albums, but he will continue to stay in music. When it comes to performing, Michael wants to keep his hand in.

Michael still loves singing, as a profession, he says you just can't beat it.

Michael continues to perform even after his LA bathroom scandal. You have to hand it to him.

Now that's toothless
*A Senate committee told Major League baseball to create tougher drug testing policies. How toothless is baseball's current drug testing policy? A player isn't suspended until his fifth positive, pre-announced urine test. That is the drug policy equivalent of a Dennis Kucinich campaign promise.

*The NHL suspended Vancouver all-star Todd Bertuzzi for the rest of the year for his brutal sucker attack on Colorado Avalanche rookie Steve Moore. Have you seen the attack? Bertuzzi goes after Moore like John Daly goes after a Snickers bar.

How brutal was the attack? Even John Kerry wouldn't go after President Bush that hard.

Since you asked:

Do you ever fantasize about going back to high school knowing what you know now? Like the time, at the big basketball game, when I was a junior, when ultimate-babe -senior-head-cheerleader Debbie Fox sat in the bleachers right in front of me and then leaned her back against me and rested her arms on my legs, like I was her own personal boy toy thrown? Well, this time I wouldn't freeze like a deer in the headlights with fear. That and I would corner the patent on Velcro.

Yesterday, I had a chance to listen to an hour clip of WLS's consummate corny Seventies Chicago (gaaaaahhhd maaaahning Chicagooooo) dee jay, John Records (Yes, it really was his middle name) Landecker recorded from March of 1974. It was like traveling back in time, and you know what? I think I'll stay here.

My god there was some bad music back then. Cher singing "Gypsy Lady" for the love of decency? And I am not just talking about the odd really horrible one-hit-songs like Looking Glass' "Brandy" and Paper Lace's "The Night Chicago Died" and possibly the worst, Terry Jack's "Seasons in the Sun." (I can still picture my old girlfriend, bless her sweet heart, Betsy Fox - no relation to Debbie - crying like a baby over that song. It's probably why we broke up)

Not only were there some bad songs back then, but some really horrible bands that were huge. Not big, HUGE. Kansas? Are you kidding me? Foreigner sucked as much as they were massive. So did Boston. Ted Nugent and Rush? They stunk. These awful bands sold out massive stadium concerts. These horrible bands were as big, at certain times as - pause for a herald angel trumpeted introduction - the amazingly great Led Zeppelin. Besides the Rolling Stones, everything you need to know about rock and roll begins and ends with Led Zeppelin. Period. And Eric Clapton and Cream, of course. And possibly the two most underrated legendary bands: Creedence Clearwater Revival, and The Guess Who.

Like with many things, there are three distinct levels of rock bands. There are the few and undisputed legends, then the much larger second category of really good bands, and then, the third group, which is everyone else.

The legends are the legends, whether you liked them or not, you can't argue: Jimi Hendrix. The Beatles, obviously, the Rolling Stones, the Doors, The Who, Janis Joplin. Bob Marley, etc. And they don't have to be dead either, like Bob Dylan, who I think is pretty much nearly dead. Just making this group would be the Beach Boys and Bruce Springsteen. It's an amazing group.

The next level down is a big drop from legendary, but is still great or really good. Really good as in you buy their albums, go to their concerts, but they just aren't in the rarified air of the legends. Jethro Tull is a fine example, so is Jimmy Buffet and The Doobie Brothers. U2 is in the second group, near the top, but still in the second group. The Pretenders. Steely Dan, and - even though I was a devotee in the Seventies - I have to put the Eagles in the second group. Again, like U2, near the top, mind you, but still in the second group.

What is an example of a good third group band? There is no such thing. They may have had a few good songs, but there are no good bands in the third group. The Seventies and Eighties are absolutely littered with HUGE third tier bands like Duran Duran, Flock of Frickin? Seagulls, Journey. (There was a time when I would have put The Talking Heads in the second group until we found out what a colossal snotty jerk David Byrne turned out to be)

Do you want a great two people, same time, same category of music example of the difference between the second group and the third group? Jackson Browne is a solid second grouper. Dan Fogelberg is a clear third grouper. At the time, they were both considered at the same level. It turns out Jackson Browne is great vintage California woody station wagon, Dan Fogleberg is a driftwood lamp, Pucca shells and a Farrah Fawcett hairdo.

The best band example of the differance between first tier, the legends, versus second tier, really good, is the Rollings Stones and Aerosmith. Aerosmith is great, no question. They have stood the test of time. But Tyler/Perry are merely Jagger/Richards Lite. End of story. As my buddy Bryan Crane put it so well, there is no shame in second tier. In fact, there is honor there.

AC/DC? Solid second tier. Poison? Deep third. ZZ Top? Second. Toto? Third. It might hurt some to put the Go Go's in with the Bangles, but not me, they are both third level groups. Van Halen? Gotta go second. Bon Jovi? That's a tough call for me. Hair was way too big, but they had good songs. OK, Bon Jovi is second tier. Madonna? Don't make me come up there. You know she is low third. Nora Jones? Clear second tier. Britney Spears? Tell me you are kidding? Britney is deep bottom third.

Now, remember, this is just my opinion. Sure, it happens to be the correct opinion, the just opinion, the sage opinion and anyone who disagrees is not only flat wrong, but possibly evil, but it is still just my opinion.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

We straight? We cool? We righteous? Darn skippy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot . . . is it?
*Man, it has been hot. I was sweating like Martha Stewart during her cellblock’s first lights-out.

I was going to TIVO it
*Viacom has dropped “Martha Stewart Living.” That’s too bad. The next episode was going to be a good one:“What to bake your prison bitch.”

Party time
*You know what I would like to see? The offices of Martha Stewart’s Living Omnimedia Inc. since Martha’s been gone: empty pork rind bags, crushed beer cans and pizza boxes all over the place, drunken limbo dances, food fights, and hot dog and pie eating contests.

Get stuffed
*"Stuff” magazine reports that the latest dance trend in New York is straight guys dancing with each other because they say it helps them meet women. Oh, please. What guys are falling for that old gay pick-up line?

“Say there, fella, you want to meet girls? Tango cheek-to-cheek with me, Tiger. Quick, dip me, women love it, dip me.”

This joke fell about a foot short
*Two men at UCLA have been accused of selling cadaver parts. They were even accused of selling feet. Can you imagine that? Selling feet! That makes me hopping mad.

Oh the shame
*White Stripes singer Jack White pleaded guilty, for beating up a singer 'til he turned black and blue. I don’t know which would be worse, getting beaten black and blue or having it known you were beaten up by Jack White.

Have you seen this Jack White guy? It’d be like getting beaten up by Bjork.

You punks get off my lawn
*A California State Senator has proposed an amendment to the California State Constitution that would lower the voting age to 14. Not to sound old, but how can we expect 14-year-old’s to uphold their civic responsibilities? They can’t uphold their pants.

It’s about time
*A doctor in Massachusetts has lost his hospital privileges for showing up drunk for surgery. A drunk surgeon. Finally, an explanation for Michael Jackson’s face.

He was too drunk to operate. Not to drunk to fly a plane, but way too drunk to operate.

Was this nice?
*A study reveals that obesity is the second most preventable cause of death. 400,000 people died in 2000 because of obesity. And that’s not counting the people they accidentally sat on.

Oops, was this out loud?
*In a “What spooks celebrities?” feature in "People," Angelina Jolie said she hates to be tied up. What is she talking about? Why, Angelina has been tied up lots of times, she loves to be tied up. Oh, wait, that’s in my mind. Heh, heh. Oops. Never mind.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Donchya do, donchya do, donchya do me this here way, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

They deserve each other

*Soon Saddam Hussein will get his trial. This has to be a case for Johnny Cochran:

“If his beard had nits, you must acquit.”

Quite a body of evidence
*Two people at UCLA have been arrested and charged with grand theft for allegedly stealing corpses and cadaver body parts. The accused might get off, but their lawyers will really have to go out on a limb.

The attorneys for the accused say the prosecutor’s case doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

Good news, good news
*McDonald’s announced they are going to stop supersizing their customers. In a related story, Viagra announced they will continue to supersize their customers.

The Juice, guilty? Oh, please
*O.J. Simpson is being sued by DirectTV for pirating their signal. If convicted that would be O.J.’s worst television-related crime since “The Naked Gun” trilogy aired on cable.

Or “Coots for Loot.”
*If the George Foreman-Larry Holmes rematch happens, I think it should be billed as “The Thriller with the Griller.”

Quite a gap
*The two big choices at the movies are “The Passion of The Christ” and “Starsky and Hutch.” That’s like going to an art gallery and choosing "The Last Supper" or “Elvis on Velvet.”

Defense needed some work
*Jurors for the Martha Stewart case said they desperately wanted to acquit Martha, but that Martha’s lawyers didn’t give them any justification. Apparently their; “Even lying scary bitches deserve a break” defense didn’t hold water.

It’s been a long time coming
*David Crosby was arrested for gun and marijuana possession. Guns and pot? Apparently the former classic rocker was looking to start a career as Rap artist: Lesbo’s Daddy.

Since you asked:

The media reaction to the Martha Stewart conviction drives home a lesson I learned as a stock broker during the 1987 market crash: 99% of the people commenting in the press have almost no idea what they are talking about.

As a comedy writer and a charter member of the “Martha Stewart is a grasping, phony mean-spirited witch” club, and as a licensed stock broker, I have followed this case closely and, for once, I actually know what is going on. Make no mistake about it, Martha is guilty, but besides that, the one person who most went out of their way to put Martha Stewart in prison? Martha Stewart.

See, Martha wasn’t convicted on insider trading. She is convicted of lying about covering up her insider trading. Forget about the fact that, by using privileged information that the price of Imclone would drop the next day, when she sold her shares, Martha knowingly ripped off every single person who then bought those shares. (If you, or I, stole money from hundreds of people, trust me, we would be in jail.)

Did licensed stock broker Martha Stewart then learn her lesson? No, when she knew that she was about to be investigated, she dumped shares of her company’s stock before they tanked from the news. Martha deserves to go to prison not once, but twice.

Martha got caught on the insider trading and the Feds gave her a chance to come clean, an act that, at worse, would have resulted in some bad press and a big fine. But no, Martha told the Feds to go stuff their mushrooms. (The Feds don’t like that) And yet, turn on CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, or Fox, and watch some dressed-up Yahoo yammer on and on about “The Persecution of Martha Stewart.” Why? Because the press knows that’s what people want to hear.

The market crash of 1987 combined a perfect storm of computer glitches, economic bad news and a nasty consumer confidence crisis that boiled into a full-blown panic. Had an investor bought on the same day of the crash, however, in one year, they would be right back to where they started. That's how fast the market corrected. But according to “Newsweek,” “Time,” and many more far less reputable publications, the crash was caused specifically by crooked brokers out to steal money from poor grandparents. Why? Because that’s what sold magazines. The fact that it wasn’t true didn’t seem to matter.

Martha Stewart is not just going to prison because she is a thief and a liar, although those are pretty good reasons. Martha Stewart is going to prison because of her haughty hubris. The fact that the two-faced domestic Diva’s own arrogance caused her remarkable fall just makes it all that much more delicious. And just. Any talking helmet on TV yammering anything different is flat wrong.

Monday, March 08, 2004

It’s a stone groove, my Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s a broke thing
*Martha Stewart’s personal wealth has plummeted since her investigation and conviction. Martha’s lost so much money John Kerry wouldn’t marry her.

*John Kerry has promised to take the country back from the wealthy. Just how many $700 million heiresses does this guy plan to marry?

Worst nightmare
*They had to break it to Martha Stewart after her guilty verdict. They said; “You know, Martha, there’s a good chance you will have to spend time in that one place that you are most terrified: Martha cried, “Oh no, not K-Mart!”

Death sentence
*Now that baseball is embroiled in a full-blown steroid controversy, there are many experts who feel the only solution is zero tolerance: if caught using steroids a player is banned from baseball for life. That’s right, they have to play for the Detroit Tigers.

First things first
“The Sopranos” is back on air. In the first show this season, the Feds find out that Tony Soprano whacked off a guy’s head and buried it in a bowling bag, but until Tony lies about selling his biotech shares, they can’t put him away.

Only, thankfully, without Ross
*Due to sulfur deposits, scientists say Mars really stinks. There are no signs of life, and it stinks. Sort of like the last episodes of “Friends.”

Turkey-baste’r not included'
*David Crosby was arrested for gun and marijuana possession. It’s serious, if convicted, Crosby might not be able to father a lesbian’s child for three to six months.

Groovy kinda love
*This weekend I saw “Starsky and Hutch” and “Miracle.” I’ll tell you what a miracle is, it’s a miracle that any guy could get a date dressed they way we did back then, that’s a miracle.

Back in the Seventies, I had the exact same wrap-around Mexican sweater and blue with white stripes Adidas sneakers as Starsky. My friends called me Bazaar-sky.

Since you asked:
The fashion nostalgia exhibited in “Starsky and Hutch” reveals that time does heal all wounds. Folks, those 70’s clothes were god-awful and I know, I wore some of the most god- awful of all of them.

Clark Wallabees? A gay elf wouldn’t wear those shoes, but I had ‘em. Wild-printed and fluorescent- colored long collared polyester shirts that no self-respecting clown would be caught dead in? Wore too many to count. Long, lank hair parted down the middle, complete with, (gulp) bangs? Guilty.

But the worst had to be a pair of blue denim elephant bell-bottomed hip-huggers that were actually vertically ribbed. Those pants were so tight and so low-cut that I didn't dare stare too long at Denise Bernier’s amazing legs in those fish-net stockings, if you know what I mean. If so, that’s when the polyester shirttail came out, folks.

And if it was really bad – and, at 14, believe me, IT was always bad- I would sit there and painfully recall the Chicago Cub’s 1969 season of three years prior. That could make anything collapse.

Probably more than you needed to know.