Wednesday, March 10, 2004

We straight? We cool? We righteous? Darn skippy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot . . . is it?
*Man, it has been hot. I was sweating like Martha Stewart during her cellblock’s first lights-out.

I was going to TIVO it
*Viacom has dropped “Martha Stewart Living.” That’s too bad. The next episode was going to be a good one:“What to bake your prison bitch.”

Party time
*You know what I would like to see? The offices of Martha Stewart’s Living Omnimedia Inc. since Martha’s been gone: empty pork rind bags, crushed beer cans and pizza boxes all over the place, drunken limbo dances, food fights, and hot dog and pie eating contests.

Get stuffed
*"Stuff” magazine reports that the latest dance trend in New York is straight guys dancing with each other because they say it helps them meet women. Oh, please. What guys are falling for that old gay pick-up line?

“Say there, fella, you want to meet girls? Tango cheek-to-cheek with me, Tiger. Quick, dip me, women love it, dip me.”

This joke fell about a foot short
*Two men at UCLA have been accused of selling cadaver parts. They were even accused of selling feet. Can you imagine that? Selling feet! That makes me hopping mad.

Oh the shame
*White Stripes singer Jack White pleaded guilty, for beating up a singer 'til he turned black and blue. I don’t know which would be worse, getting beaten black and blue or having it known you were beaten up by Jack White.

Have you seen this Jack White guy? It’d be like getting beaten up by Bjork.

You punks get off my lawn
*A California State Senator has proposed an amendment to the California State Constitution that would lower the voting age to 14. Not to sound old, but how can we expect 14-year-old’s to uphold their civic responsibilities? They can’t uphold their pants.

It’s about time
*A doctor in Massachusetts has lost his hospital privileges for showing up drunk for surgery. A drunk surgeon. Finally, an explanation for Michael Jackson’s face.

He was too drunk to operate. Not to drunk to fly a plane, but way too drunk to operate.

Was this nice?
*A study reveals that obesity is the second most preventable cause of death. 400,000 people died in 2000 because of obesity. And that’s not counting the people they accidentally sat on.

Oops, was this out loud?
*In a “What spooks celebrities?” feature in "People," Angelina Jolie said she hates to be tied up. What is she talking about? Why, Angelina has been tied up lots of times, she loves to be tied up. Oh, wait, that’s in my mind. Heh, heh. Oops. Never mind.