Friday, March 12, 2004

We got the real thizzy up in this here Hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You’re fired
*Did you see the last “Apprentice?” It was wild. Donald Trump fired Martha Stewart.

It don’t add up
*Our educators say we aren’t producing enough qualified math students to keep good jobs from going to Asia. When informed our students math scores would have to go up 30% to compete, one student said; “30%? Wow, that’s like double.”

Good start
*The House passed a bill to ban people from suing fast food places for making them fat. This is a good start. Next they are going to ban people from suing “Jeopardy” because they’re stupid and stop people from suing mirror companies because they’re ugly.

That and they don’t print Million-dollar bills
*Did you hear about the Atlanta woman, Alice Pike, who tried to buy $1,600 worth of Wal-Mart goods with a counterfeit one million dollar bill? The first sign the bill was fake was it was that it was inscribed; “In Martha Stewart We Trust.”

*The NHL suspended Vancouver all-star Todd Bertuzzi for the rest of the year for his brutal sucker attack on Colorado Avalanche rookie Steve Moore. Have you seen the attack? Bertuzzi treated Moore like President Bush treats a well-structured sentence.

Tonya we hardly missed ye
*Tonya Harding is going to skate for the Indianapolis Ice of the Central Hockey League tonight. Note to the opposing team: Make sure you strap your knee and shin guards on extra tight.

I think the Tonya Harding promotion is called “Hub Caps, Marlboros and Lucky beer night.”

A leg up on the competition
*A UCLA medical school official has been charged with selling cadavers body parts. It wasn’t a bad deal. For $100 you could get real piece of mind.

Supposedly the guy was a good listener, because, for the right price, he’d lend you an ear. Sorry.

Who would have thought of selling body parts? As a creative entrepreneur, you really have to hand it to him.

Have a great weekend, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.