Saturday, September 06, 2003

Smoke 'em if you got 'em, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Well, it’s official, we received our sample ballot for the recall election. It listed Arnold Schwarzenegger as Actor/Businessman. Does that mean he isn’t really a businessman either?

Say it ain’t so
The headline read “Abbas threatens to quit.” I was horrified. But then I found out they meant the Palestinian prime minister, not the Swedish pop band. That was a close one.

Lance and his pants
Sadly, it is official. After trying to reconcile, Lance Armstrong and his wife have filed for divorce. The reason? Rumor has it Lance was pedaling up someone else’s Alps.
The reason? Let’s just say another woman was shifting Lance’s gears.
Let’s just say that his bicycle wasn’t the only thing Lance was riding out of the house.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

They walkin' the right way for a smack-down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The official drinks of Ho’s everywhere
*Rap star "Nelly” has his own sports drink coming out next week called "Pimp Juice”. It’s really expensive, the Pimp juice is fairly cheap, but you have to buy a full-length mink coat to drink it.

What’s their motto? “Pimp Juice; It’s lip and Ho smackin’ good.”

It’s just that nice
J. Lo and Ben Affleck are set to get married up the coast in Santa Barbara. The spot is so beautiful, so tranquil, so romantic, J. Lo said she plans to have all of her weddings there.

*Britney Spears appeared at the NFL opening game between the New York Jets and the Washington Redskins. It was great. Britney open-mouth kissed the Redskins playoff chances goodbye.

It’s hard to believe, but after tonight, the first game of the NFL season will have been decided. Well, second if you count the Cincinnati Bengals loss.

Webster's Dictionary announcement: Long-suffering and Cubs fans officially becomes synonymous
*There’s a theory in Chicago: An optimist sees a half a glass of water and says it's half full. A pessimist sees it's half empty. A Cubs fans sees a glass of water and thinks: “If I smash that glass and grind my bare foot in it, the pain will take my mind off of the Cubs losing.”

Name that tune
*Players at the US Open have a song that is played when they enter. So what did they used to play for Anna Kournakova? My guess? Elton John’s; “The Bitch is Back” or Beck’s “Loser.”

Did you see the five California governor candidates debate? Arnold Schwarzenegger wasn’t there. Apparently Arnold couldn’t appear because the caption machine wasn’t working to translate what Arnold was saying into understandable English.

Just two?
Scientists discovered two substances which tell the body to stop eating; one is a stomach hormone, the other is a “Welcome To Taco Bell” sign.

The other two substances which tell the body to stop eating? One is an intestine hormone, the other is somebody else’s hair in your food.

Of course they did
At a speech in Long Beach, Arnold Schwarzenegger was hit in the shoulder by an egg. It being California, PETA immediately protested Arnold’s shoulder.

Since you asked:
Why do actors, who can’t even put on their own makeup, think they are qualified to speak about politics or even run for office? One word: Entitlement.

With the advent of E-mail surpassing the too-slow-Fax, and cell phones designed to give us whatever we want exactly right now, the overall sense of entitlement in this country is way too high. In Hollywood, that sense of entitlement is beyond measure.

The people who are employed in Hollywood specifically to work with actors – from personal assistants to producers -- are world-class butt-smoochers. That is how they keep their jobs. Movie stars don’t want the truth. They can’t handle the truth. What movies stars want, they get. And what most movie stars want is to be surrounded by people who tell them exactly what they want to hear. How else can you possibly explain the movie “Gigli”?

So, when some megalomaniac movie star asks his or her minions if he or she should make a statement about politics or even run for office, the resounding groveling is unanimous: “Oh, yes, Ms. Streisand, by all means, you should denounce our government.” “Why absolutely, Mr. Schwarzenegger, we poor stupid Californians need you as governor.”

Arnold is in for a rude awakening. Nobody throws an egg at the star on a movie set. Arnold has never appeared in front of a camera without already knowing his lines.

My prediction? This running-for-governor thing is going to end truly badly for Arnold. But don’t worry about Arnold: He’ll be back.

But much more importantly: Are you ready for some football?

P.S. When is ABC going to dump that corny, annoying Hank Williams bit for their opening? That song makes me long for Billy Ray Cyrus’ “Achy Breaky Heart.”

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

My daughter's first day of Kindergarten, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

And I didn’t know Tom was hiding weapons of mass destruction . . .
Tom Cruise reportedly has three body doubles. Tom used to have five, but two had to go back to elementary school after labor day.

How hot was it?
It was hot, I was sweating like Ellen DeGeneris watching Madonna kiss Britney Spears.

Tennis babe
*Anna Kournakova quit her roving reporter gig for TNT at the U.S. Open after three days. It didn’t work out. They kept asking Anna to interview the winner, and she kept asking: “What’s a winner?”

Not quite the same
There is such a thing as taking things to far: in another desperate attempt to save their singing careers, today Kathy Lee Gifford and Debbie Gibson made out on stage.

Madonna has signed up for ads for “The Gap.” When I first heard that Madonna was doing ads for The Gap, I thought they were for an orthodontist.

Insiders say that the Britney-Madonna kiss was Britney’s idea. Apparently Britney has a collection of girl-on-girl adult videos and is very bi-curious. Upon hearing this, about ten million teenage boys, oops, just did it again.

Justifiable and undeniable
Jesse Jackson was arrested at a Yale protest. It wasn’t the protest that got Jesse arrested, he was arrested outside the English department for his bad poetry.

I can't work like this . . .
Five of the candidates for Governor of California will debate on Wednesday except for Arnold Schwarzenegger. In his defense, Arnold said he would appear for the debate, but nobody has sent him the script yet.
The debate is being billed as the Loser-palooza.

The debate is billed as Loserpalooza.