Friday, August 08, 2003

How he go and do that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

And we thought Florida's politics were messed up
Now there are something like 400 people running for Governor of California. We may be the first state to have more people running for Governor than people who voted for Governor.

The Happiest Alibi on Earth
Hey Kobe, you’ve admitted and affair and have been charged with sexual assault. What are you going to do now?

“I’m going to Disneyland.”

Kobe and his wife Vanessa were spotted at Disneyland. I think they went on Mr. Kobe’s Wild Ride.

Tote that rock
Miners in Russia have uncovered a 301-carat diamond. Or as Kobe Bryant calls the 301carat diamond: 37 affairs.

Again, how does he do it?
Now the estimates are that Mike Tyson has blown over $400 million dollars. How does one person blow $400 million? I mean without being Governor of California.

Or they could quit after the Sixth
According to a new study, the Detroit Tigers are leading the way in baseball’s effort to shorten the length of its games. A typical Tiger’s game lasts only two hours thirty-two minutes. Fifteen minutes shorter than the average game. The Tigers figured out the game moves a lot faster when they don’t have to do that time consuming run-around- the-bases and touching home plate thing.

Sherrie Miller Daly, wife of golfer John Daly, was charged in a federal indictment alleging she was involved in a cocaine and methamphetamines ring and an illegal gambling operation. Coke, Meth and gambling? What, no hookers? What a slacker.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

What the fuzizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Thumbs up this
The critics all agree: After watching the J. Lo-Ben Affleck movie “Gigli,” “Seabiscuit” has now been upgraded from a good movie to the greatest movie ever made.

How bad was the J. Lo-Ben/ Ben Affleck movie “Gigli?” Madonna couldn’t have made it worse.

Irony Mike
Mike Tyson has declared bankruptcy. It’s pretty bad, today they had to repossess his face tattoo. After declaring bankruptcy, Mike Tyson claims bad advice, mismanagement, and unfair deals have caused him to lose $300 million in ring earnings. That and the fact that Tyson is a stark-raving psychotic lunatic probably didn’t help.

He shoots, he scores, he accessorizes
David Beckham scored his first goal for Real Madrid in their 3-0 win over F.C. Tokyo. Incidentally, for those guys interested in developing the same feminized Metro-sexual look as Beckham, you can rent the video; “Gender Bend it Like Beckham.”

Win some lose some
Kobe Bryant lost his endorsement deal for Nutella chocolate spread. The good news is that he may have picked up Zales, the diamond store.

Go Crocs
The University of Florida Gators put a crocodile on the cover of their football media guide by mistake. They are ranked 21st behind the first place University of Oklahoma Laters. On September 6th, they play the Miami University Tornadoes.

This doesn’t surprise me, what with their dubious academic record and player run-ins with the law, I’ve always said that Florida was a croc.

Monday, August 04, 2003

Step off wit' yo' good foot, now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That desperate?
Rumor has it they are really close to closing in on Saddam Hussein. To give you an idea how desperate Saddam is, today he saw the movie “Gigli” just so nobody would be near him.

It was so hot this weekend, people went to see “Gigli” just to feel the cool breeze generated from how much it sucked.

How bad was “Gigli?” Uday and Qusay Hussein wouldn’t be caught dead watching it.

How bad was “Gigli?” Not to put too fine a point on it, but Seabiscuit left things in his stall that were better than “Gigli.”

How bad was the chemistry between Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck in “Gigli?” David Gest and Liza Minelli couldn’t see them as a couple.

How bad is “Gigli?” Madonna is making fun of it.

He got Lay’d
Former Enron chairman Ken Lay took nearly $1 million in losses in selling his four properties in Aspen. In fact, it was the worst financial move in Colorado since Kobe ordered room service.

Bad choice
Kobe Bryant and his wife, Vanessa, attended Saturday’s Teen Choice Awards in Los Angeles. Was that a good idea? Wasn’t it Kobe’s choice of a teen what got him in trouble in the first place?

Broke joke
*Mike Tyson has filed for bankruptcy. This following years after he filed for moral bankruptcy.

Tyson has squandered over $300 million in ring earnings. Today he was named an honorary board member of Enron.

What a rip-off
*Del Mar race track held “Seabiscuit Day” last Saturday. If you ask me it was a rip-off, I waited through every race and Seabiscuit never ran once.

Have you heard of Seabiscuit’s Italian cousin? Seabiscotti.

Do they take Tigers?
*Ferdinand, the 1986 Kentucky Derby winner, was apparently sold to slaughter for dog food by his Japanese owners. To which, Detroit Tigers owner Mike Illitch said; “You can do that?”

“Hustler” publisher Larry Flynt has filed to enter the recall governor’s race in California. In fact, Flynt made political history by issuing the first campaign brochure with a scratch-and-sniff.

Nice spin
President Bush is headed to Texas for his vacation. His staff has labeled it a working vacation, in addition, they have decided re-name unemployment: a vacation from working.

According to a new study by scientists, a chemical in saliva can help inflamed bowels. A fact that Hollywood movie stars and their assistants have known for years.