Wednesday, July 02, 2003

Talk to me and bump it one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

They think of everything
*In Des Moines, a women bought a bag of potato chips from a convenience store and found a bag of marijuana inside. Talk about your one stop shopping.

A natural fit, so to speak
*There is a precedent of using baseball players to endorse medicines; Advil uses Nolan Ryan, Viagra uses Rafael Palmero, and here is a natural, Preparation H should sign Albert Pujols.

Meeeooooooowwwwww, reeeeaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrr
In a pre-fight press conference, Laila Ali, got in a fight with her next opponent, Christy Martin. Normally when boxers get into press conference fight, promoters and bodyguards rush in to stop it. This time everyone just stood around yelling; “Cat fight, cat fight, cat fight.”

It was surprise, guess who won that press conference fight between Laila Ali and Christy Martin? Tonya Harding. Yeah, Tonya was there, she jumped in and won.

During the fight, Martin was overheard pleading; “Laila, you got me on my knees, Laila, I’m beggin’ darlin’ please, Laila, darlin’ won’t you ease my worried mind.”

Smooooke on the waaaaater
*Saturday night, at the Roxy in L.A., twenty wannabe rock gods competed in the West Regional of the U.S. Air Guitar Championships. Of course the air-guitar contestants were all men; the difference between men and women is women will play air guitar, but they know it’s stupid; Guys honestly think the manager for the Rolling Stones will see them and sign them up.

And the winner got to go home with an air groupie.

A Natural tie-in
*British soccer star David Beckham passed his physical for his new team Real Madrid which was televised on 39 channels. It was sponsored. In fact, the turn-and-cough test was sponsored by Allstate, the good hands people.

Step off wit your gooooooood foot, now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Something like that
Las Vegas hosted a sexual abstinence convention on Sunday. That’s like hosting a chocolate addict convention in Hershey, Pennsylvania.

Mon Fraire
*There is much worrying in cycling over how the French - who were vocally against Lance Armstrong before the Iraq war - will treat Lance, the returning champion, in this year’s Tour De France. I think that concern can best be put in French: Qui donne un derriere du rat des Francois? Which, roughly translated, means: who gives a rat’s ass about the French?

At Wimbledon, Andre Agassi lost on 46 service aces by Mark Philippouisis. And sports fans, what can be more exciting than watching a guy serve 46 times without one single return? If I want to watch a player fan 46 times, I’ll go to the San Diego Padres batting practice.

Yes it did
The Collegiate Dictionary from Merriam-Webster has added new words including headbanger and dot-commer. And the term Frenching changed from meaning kissing to surrendering.

So that’s what it’s called
At Wimbledon, women players are complaining about how reporters comment on women’s appearance, but nobody comments on how the men look, just about how they play. That’s because of that thing, what’s it called? Oh yeah: our world.

Monday, June 30, 2003

Player, those players got played like a played player, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Take me out to the dirtbags
There were reportedly a huge amount of fights between White Sox and Cubs fans in the stands at U.S. Cellular field last week when the Chicago Cubs came to play the White Sox. It was nice in one way, the drunk White Sox fans didn’t need to go to the trouble to run on the field in order to find somebody to punch.

That settles it, the White Sox promotion department simply has to cut out Missing teeth and Neck Tattoo night.

Now, I don’t want to imply that a lot of White Sox fans are drunk knuckleheads; I don’t want to imply it, because I want to say it straight out: a lot of White Sox fans are drunk knuckleheads. If you haven’t ever seen a White Sox fan? Picture an Oakland Raider fan without the fashion sense.

Some disappointing news. The White House thought we had found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Turns out they were just fireworks for the Fourth of July stashed by our own soldiers.

Doesn’t count
USA Today ranked Utah as the best managed state. Guess which state was the worst managed? You got it, California. Actually, technically, California didn’t qualify for the worst-managed state because it’s not really managed at all.

Dude, where is my research results?
*Smoking marijuana does not cause brain damage according to, researchers from the U.C. San Diego. The researchers went on to add that smoking marijuana does not cause brain damage. The researches also discovered that Cheetos go really well with Yaa Hoo chocolate soda

So when can we Gomorrah?
*People pestered by telemarketers can start signing up today for a national do-not-call list intended to block most phone sales pitches and the Supreme Court has legalized sodomy. This is good news for people who kept getting their sodomy interrupted by the police or marketing calls.

Pick and choose
*The two biggest selling books right now are the new "Harry Potter” book and Hillary Clinton’s memoirs of her time in the White House. Apparently people can’t get enough of fictional fantasy.

What’s the going rate?
*It’s been hot in New York. In Times Square, Hookers are actually getting paid to literally blow ON their clients.

Baghdad Bob
*Remember the Iraqi information minister? Our military arrested him. Of course, he told them he was arresting them.