Friday, June 13, 2003

You got to roll with it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

*The Feds have banned the sale of prairie dogs. There goes all my Father’s day gift ideas.

How ugly was it?
*The New Jersey Nets tied their series against the San Antonio Spurs in an ugly 77-76 win. How ugly was it? Fox’s “Best Damn Sports Show’s” Tom Arnold even thought it was ugly, and he was married to Roseanne.

Mon Ami
*During the broadcast ABC briefly switched over to the French announcers who were reporting on San Antonio’s Tony Parker, from France. My French is tres rusty, but I could have sworn I heard the French announcer’s accuse the New Jersey Nets of lying about weapons of mass destruction.

*Bad news San Antonio, the French are cheering for you; that means they are bound to lose.

Coaches gone wild III
*Washington football coach Rick Neuheisel was fired for gambling on an NCAA pool. Alabama football coach Mike Price is caught with strippers and Iowa State basketball coach Larry Eustachy is photographed drunk and kissing college girls. No wonder our athletes get in trouble, their coaches are too busy drinking, chasing broads and gambling to keep an eye on them.

Let’s be serious, if they are going to fire every coach who drinks beer, bet on the NCAA pool, or has been to a strip club, the NCAA better start recruiting coaches among the detained Taliban members at camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay.

BYOB, Bring Your Own Bat
*Sammy Sosa had his suspension reduced from eight games to seven games, but there was no fine. So apparently Major League baseball charges no corkage fee.

New Jersey Travel Bureau
*New Jersey has a chance to have champs in the NHL and the NBA. I heard a jealous New Yorker remark that New Jersey deserves those two teams because they don’t have anything else. Well, that’s just not fair, why, in New Jersey you can go see, well, New Jersey is where they make, um, OK, New Jersey is the only place where, uh . . . way to go Devils, and go Nets.

Kiss and tell
*In her many book promotion interviews, Hillary Clinton has repeatedly said the most upsetting aspect of Bill Clinton’s affairs is how their privacy was invaded. Hillary carefully guards her privacy. Unless you fork over the coin to buy her book, then you can know everything.

Nothing quite indicates a need for privacy more than a best selling tell-all biography.

*Hillary Clinton’s book outsold the latest Harry Potter offering. It just goes to show that Fairy Tales are as popular as ever.

From the Tee-Rex Box
The first two days of the U.S. Open are on ESPN with Chris “Hunka hunk of ”Burman “love” providing his rock and roll nicknamed commentary. The mind reels at the possibilities: “Eye of the” Tiger Woods? “Highway to” Hale Irwin? “Spencer” Davis Love III? Mike Weir “Not Gonna Take it.” Ernie “Hell’s Bells” Els?

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Well, now, how is that for you, Sherie and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

*“2 Fast, 2 Furious” is the sequel about street racing in Los Angeles. It is also a chapter in Hillary’s book about Bill and Hillary’s honeymoon: Bill was 2 fast and Hillary was 2 furious.

What a day
*The Chicago Cubs beat the New York Yankees 8-7 Sunday. It was a magical late afternoon at Wrigley Field, the golden sunset, the fluffy cottonwood seeds floating in the air, the lush ivy and the echo of corks popping in the Cub’s dugout.

Here is my question, if the Cubs do win it all this year, are they going to have to use screw top champagne bottles afterwards to avoid the corks?

Not on their chiny chin chins

*In an editorial in the New York Times on how the left wants to appear tougher against terrorism, Maureen Dowd wrote that; “Democrats are trying to sprout hair on their chests.” Maybe the democrats are aiming too high? That hair sprouting should begin at a lower level.

It could have happened
*Maybe the entire Sosa cork fiasco was a language barrier mistake? Sammy had been mired in a slump since coming off the disabled list, so he was probably constantly complaining about the slump until somebody finally told him: “Hey, put a cork in it,” and Sammy misunderstood.

How cold was it?
*In Barcelona, more than 7,000 people gathered at daybreak Sunday and shed their clothes at dawn to take part in artist Spencer Tunick's largest work featuring a sea of nude bodies covering an entire avenue. In addition, the 3,500 naked men in attendance in the chilly early morning also set a world record for shrinkage.

7,000 people naked and bent over. There are entire teams of astronomers who haven’t seen that many moons.

Not to put too fine a point on it

*On a soupy track, Empire Maker caught Funny Cide on the far turn and won the Belmont Stakes thwarting yet another Triple Crown. No offense intended to gelding Funny Cide, but Empire Maker ran a much more ballsy race.

That explains it

*The French Open was won by Juan Carlos Whoareyou 6-1,6-3, 6-2, over Martin Verkerk at Roland Garros stadium in Paris. Incidentally, Roland Garros was a French aviation hero, not a war hero as many believe. The reason the Paris tennis stadium wasn’t named after a French war hero, is because, well, there is no such thing as a French war hero.

And lots of armpit scratching
*Now they are saying that Prairie dog sickness in the Midwest may be Monkey Pox. The first symptom of Monkey Pox is an uncontrollable urge to swing on a tire and fling your feces.

This was just a test

You hear about guys being confused about their sexuality sometimes even late in life, here is a simple test: Guy’s, if, Sunday night, you watched the NBA finals or baseball, you are straight; if you watched the Tony awards, you are probably gay. If you watched “Sixty Minutes”, you are too old for it to matter either way.

Poor guy, uh, girl, uh, poor thing
Empire Maker thwarted triple-crown contender Funny Cide at the Belmont Stakes. The news gets worse for Funny Cide; today they had to break the news to Funny Cide that he is a gelding and he can’t retire to stud. Now Funny Cide is on Sui Cide watch.

How lazy are we?

The Wall Street Journal reports that Major League baseball now allows fans to call in their order to the concession stand for delivery. They did some research and found out that fans who like to sit for hours drinking beer, eat artery clogging nachos and teeth rotting cotton candy, are not all that much into the vigorous exercise of walking to the tunnel.

What’s next? A service that has burly men carry these people to and from the bathroom?

How in the world did these lazy slugs make it all the way to the baseball game?