Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Well, now, how is that for you, Sherie and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

*“2 Fast, 2 Furious” is the sequel about street racing in Los Angeles. It is also a chapter in Hillary’s book about Bill and Hillary’s honeymoon: Bill was 2 fast and Hillary was 2 furious.

What a day
*The Chicago Cubs beat the New York Yankees 8-7 Sunday. It was a magical late afternoon at Wrigley Field, the golden sunset, the fluffy cottonwood seeds floating in the air, the lush ivy and the echo of corks popping in the Cub’s dugout.

Here is my question, if the Cubs do win it all this year, are they going to have to use screw top champagne bottles afterwards to avoid the corks?

Not on their chiny chin chins

*In an editorial in the New York Times on how the left wants to appear tougher against terrorism, Maureen Dowd wrote that; “Democrats are trying to sprout hair on their chests.” Maybe the democrats are aiming too high? That hair sprouting should begin at a lower level.

It could have happened
*Maybe the entire Sosa cork fiasco was a language barrier mistake? Sammy had been mired in a slump since coming off the disabled list, so he was probably constantly complaining about the slump until somebody finally told him: “Hey, put a cork in it,” and Sammy misunderstood.

How cold was it?
*In Barcelona, more than 7,000 people gathered at daybreak Sunday and shed their clothes at dawn to take part in artist Spencer Tunick's largest work featuring a sea of nude bodies covering an entire avenue. In addition, the 3,500 naked men in attendance in the chilly early morning also set a world record for shrinkage.

7,000 people naked and bent over. There are entire teams of astronomers who haven’t seen that many moons.

Not to put too fine a point on it

*On a soupy track, Empire Maker caught Funny Cide on the far turn and won the Belmont Stakes thwarting yet another Triple Crown. No offense intended to gelding Funny Cide, but Empire Maker ran a much more ballsy race.

That explains it

*The French Open was won by Juan Carlos Whoareyou 6-1,6-3, 6-2, over Martin Verkerk at Roland Garros stadium in Paris. Incidentally, Roland Garros was a French aviation hero, not a war hero as many believe. The reason the Paris tennis stadium wasn’t named after a French war hero, is because, well, there is no such thing as a French war hero.

And lots of armpit scratching
*Now they are saying that Prairie dog sickness in the Midwest may be Monkey Pox. The first symptom of Monkey Pox is an uncontrollable urge to swing on a tire and fling your feces.

This was just a test

You hear about guys being confused about their sexuality sometimes even late in life, here is a simple test: Guy’s, if, Sunday night, you watched the NBA finals or baseball, you are straight; if you watched the Tony awards, you are probably gay. If you watched “Sixty Minutes”, you are too old for it to matter either way.

Poor guy, uh, girl, uh, poor thing
Empire Maker thwarted triple-crown contender Funny Cide at the Belmont Stakes. The news gets worse for Funny Cide; today they had to break the news to Funny Cide that he is a gelding and he can’t retire to stud. Now Funny Cide is on Sui Cide watch.

How lazy are we?

The Wall Street Journal reports that Major League baseball now allows fans to call in their order to the concession stand for delivery. They did some research and found out that fans who like to sit for hours drinking beer, eat artery clogging nachos and teeth rotting cotton candy, are not all that much into the vigorous exercise of walking to the tunnel.

What’s next? A service that has burly men carry these people to and from the bathroom?

How in the world did these lazy slugs make it all the way to the baseball game?