Friday, June 13, 2003

You got to roll with it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

*The Feds have banned the sale of prairie dogs. There goes all my Father’s day gift ideas.

How ugly was it?
*The New Jersey Nets tied their series against the San Antonio Spurs in an ugly 77-76 win. How ugly was it? Fox’s “Best Damn Sports Show’s” Tom Arnold even thought it was ugly, and he was married to Roseanne.

Mon Ami
*During the broadcast ABC briefly switched over to the French announcers who were reporting on San Antonio’s Tony Parker, from France. My French is tres rusty, but I could have sworn I heard the French announcer’s accuse the New Jersey Nets of lying about weapons of mass destruction.

*Bad news San Antonio, the French are cheering for you; that means they are bound to lose.

Coaches gone wild III
*Washington football coach Rick Neuheisel was fired for gambling on an NCAA pool. Alabama football coach Mike Price is caught with strippers and Iowa State basketball coach Larry Eustachy is photographed drunk and kissing college girls. No wonder our athletes get in trouble, their coaches are too busy drinking, chasing broads and gambling to keep an eye on them.

Let’s be serious, if they are going to fire every coach who drinks beer, bet on the NCAA pool, or has been to a strip club, the NCAA better start recruiting coaches among the detained Taliban members at camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay.

BYOB, Bring Your Own Bat
*Sammy Sosa had his suspension reduced from eight games to seven games, but there was no fine. So apparently Major League baseball charges no corkage fee.

New Jersey Travel Bureau
*New Jersey has a chance to have champs in the NHL and the NBA. I heard a jealous New Yorker remark that New Jersey deserves those two teams because they don’t have anything else. Well, that’s just not fair, why, in New Jersey you can go see, well, New Jersey is where they make, um, OK, New Jersey is the only place where, uh . . . way to go Devils, and go Nets.

Kiss and tell
*In her many book promotion interviews, Hillary Clinton has repeatedly said the most upsetting aspect of Bill Clinton’s affairs is how their privacy was invaded. Hillary carefully guards her privacy. Unless you fork over the coin to buy her book, then you can know everything.

Nothing quite indicates a need for privacy more than a best selling tell-all biography.

*Hillary Clinton’s book outsold the latest Harry Potter offering. It just goes to show that Fairy Tales are as popular as ever.

From the Tee-Rex Box
The first two days of the U.S. Open are on ESPN with Chris “Hunka hunk of ”Burman “love” providing his rock and roll nicknamed commentary. The mind reels at the possibilities: “Eye of the” Tiger Woods? “Highway to” Hale Irwin? “Spencer” Davis Love III? Mike Weir “Not Gonna Take it.” Ernie “Hell’s Bells” Els?