Saturday, January 25, 2003

Old School or New School, Torn Slatterns or Nugget Ranchers?

Caffeine fueled Saturday morning rant:

What is with the latest sports cliche old school? Everybody wants to say they are old school. But in order for there to be an old school, there has to also be a new school. Right? To sum it up, old school is team oriented; new school is me oriented. Old school is in vogue right now, but both have advantages and disadvantages.

In football terms, old school was Sweetness himself, the late great Chicago Bear Walter Payton, and new school is the, uh, loquacious and tireless self-promoter Keyshawn Johnson. Now, Walter was much more beloved, respected and admired than Keyshawn will ever be. Walter was also much more banged up, played on more lousy teams and was paid far less than Keyshawn Johnson.

Everybody wants to say they are old school, but old school comes at a cost. Old school was a lot harder on the players physically and financially. Let’s face it, linebacker great Dick Butkus, the epitome of old school, got hosed by mean cheapskate Chicago Bear owner George Halas physically, financially, medically and legally. That’s about as extensive as a hosing gets.

The problem is that, once you declare yourself old school, there are people who will line up to take advantage of your selflessness. The problem with the new school is an apparent all or nothing trade from selflessness to selfishness. You can’t have both. You are either old school, Kellen Winslow going across the middle at all costs, or you are new school, Randy Moss who sees a possible career ending hit from a safety and suddenly gets a severe case of teeny weeny alligator arms.

Old school are tough guys. New school are cowards. Right? Not always. New school is looking out for their own. Is that wrong? How can you blame someone for taking care of their family? Even though he is a pain-in-the-butt primma donna, are the Minnesota Vikings going to take care of Randy Moss’ grand kids? No.

It’s hard to truly be old school now because there is too much money. Money is new school. Ask former Chicago Bulls three time ‘70’s NBA All Star Bob “Butterbean” Love. Was it fun for Love to have to bus tables in the early eighties at a Chicago Nordstroms cafeteria to make a living while the rich new school Bull players came in to lunch to gawk in shock? Probably not. Could Butterbean have used some of that new school money? You bet.

But it was the old school in Bob Love that drove him to overcome a severe stutter and go on to become an executive at Nordstroms, as well as a highly paid motivational speaker who is now running for office.

So you chose. Which are you, old school or new school? What am I? Let’s put it this way: The last time I went to get in my SUV, the automatic car door opener didn’t work and I nearly broke down and cried because I had to physically turn the key myself. You do the math.

Friday, January 24, 2003

I loves me some my Super Bowl, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, I surely do

We'll never forget where we were when we first heard the news
Rapper Jay Z announced to E Online that he is getting out of the music business. Now, I am confused, I thought he was a Rapper, so what does that have to do with the music business? I've mentioned it before, but I still find it interesting: Did you know that the first letter in the word rap is a silent C?

Young blood
It’s cold back east. It’s so cold, R. Kelly groped a legal-aged woman just for the warmth. This is getting ugly. Today an irate fan yelled at R. Kelley; “You’re just a lousy pedophile.” R. Kelly responded; “Wow, pedophile is a big word for such a cute 12-year-old.”

Did you hear Pete Townsend is recording a new single? “Don’t let the son go down on me.” Did you hear that R. Kelley and Pete Townsend are collaborating? And then they may record an album.

How crowded is it?
It is really crowded in San Diego for the Super Bowl; it is so crowded there is no room for Mexicans to sneak across the border. One celebrity Super Bowl party was so packed, Diana Ross couldn’t fall down.

The Psychedelic Bowl?
Isn’t it time to update the name of the Super Bowl? It’s a little Sixties. Granted, it’s better than the Groovy Bowl, or the Far Out Bowl, but not much. How about the You Dah Man, Dawg Bowl?

Hey Sonny, can you buy me some beer?
A Wisconsin man, Don Meyer, was annoyed when a Pick 'n Save clerk here recently carded him in the liquor store. Why? The guy is 76-years-old. Store clerks, here is a hint, if someone’s drivers license picture is an oil painting, the person is probably too old to card.

Thursday, January 23, 2003

I got your back, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Rancher Dawgs

Move, Billy Bob, you’re crushin’ my smokes
A rare snowstorm has hit the southeast . Here’s how bad it is, in South Carolina cousins are getting into bed together just to stay warm.

What? Me lie?
The White House says Saddam Hussein has not been truthful during the weapons inspection. What did they expect? This is a guy who likes to torture people with acid, what difference does a little fibbing make to him?

So now it’s “Joseph Millionaire”?
The rumor has it that the “Joe Millionaire” guy is gay. I could have told you that, the guy is way too good looking to be straight. It’s part of the evolutionary process, real good looking guy equals gay, it’s nature’s way of providing the rest of us guys with girls.

The women contestants don’t care if “Joe Millionaire” is gay. They still think he is rich and $15 million can buy a lot of batteries.

What a shock. A gay male model, what are the odds?

Anything is possible . . . nah
Now that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are in the Super Bowl, people forget that they used to be the joke of the NFL. So, who knows, maybe there is hope for the Cincinnati Bengals? Just kidding. What? You think I’m nuts? The Bengals will always stink.

As a franchise, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers turned things around when they dumped their swishy-looking pirate mascot to the cool skull and crossbones. Attention San Diego Padres: lose the dorky bald-fat monk

But the Dad is still nuts
The Williams sisters, Serena and Venus, will meet in the finals of the Australian Open. In other equally shocking sports news, an NBA game featured a lot of really tall, sweaty guys.

Next to being a weatherman in San Diego, being a sports reporter for tennis has to be the easiest job there is. You just copy and paste the words: “In women’s tennis, the Williams sisters advance to the finals; in the men’s division, Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras lost to two guys you’ve never heard of before. Now back to you.”

What? No.
There was a shocking occurrence at the Super Bowl today. A reporter asked Tampa Bay Buccaneer defensive lineman Warren Sapp a question, and Sapp had absolutely nothing to say.

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

It's alllll good, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers. Well, some of it anyway.

At Super Bowl media day, I wanted to play the Barbara Walters card and ask massive Tampa Bay Buccaneer defensive lineman Warren Sapp, if he was a tree, would there be Sapp? But my health insurance deductible is too high. Did I mention I had a press credential to cover media day at the Super Bowl? (Sniff and teeth-suck of smugness ) Well, I did.

I met Tampa Bay Buccaneer defensive lineman Warren Sapp on media day. He is one big guy. He was wearing a t-shirt with Super Bowl XXXVII on the front. It turns out XXXVII is the Super Bowl number, I thought it was Sapps’ shirt size.

Did you see the team interviews on Super Bowl media day? Their answers were so guarded it was pathetic.

“Hey, Tampa Bay Buccaneer coach Jon Gruden, do you like vanilla ice cream?”

“Well, I like all ice cream equally as well, as I’m sure does our wonderful opponent, the great Oakland Raiders.”

Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis was absent from Media Day. He was stuck at Denny’s arguing with Flo, the head waitress, over a charge on his early bird special bill. Actually, he did show up. But I thought he was discount coffin salesman.

The press at the Super Bowl is desperate for fresh angles. It had to be brutal for them when it used to be two weeks before the game:

“So, how much different is it to deliver toilet paper to the stadium during the Super Bowl than the regular season?”

Paging Pee Wee Herman
R&B singer R. Kelly, already facing child pornography charges in Illinois, was arrested in Florida on additional child pornography charges after investigators said they found 12 photographs of a nude girl at the singer's home. Let's sing together; ~~ I believe he will fry . . . ~~

Gone to the dogs
The new San Diego baseball field will be sponsored by Petco and will be called Petco Park. That is appropriate considering that, last season, the Padres made worse messes on the field than any dog could. PETA is protesting against Petco sponsoring the new San Diego baseball park. I can see why, it would be cruel to expose pets to how badly the Padres played last year.

Vee have vays of dealing wis you
Germany issued its strongest denunciation yet of looming military action against Iraq. Germany against war? That’s like the French being against body odor. Germany against war? That’s like the Irish being against beer.

You thought it hurt when the beverage cart hit your knee . . .
A nudist club booked a charter flight for its members and invited them to be naked on the plane. Can’t you just hear a bunch of naked people on a plane after a few drinks?

“Hey flight attendant. It’s locked and in the upright position, but that ain’t no trey table.”

I'll take idiots in court for one hundred, Alex
A federal judge dismissed a lawsuit against McDonald's that said the fast food chain was responsible for children's obesity. Now to get money from McDonalds, the litigants will have to go back to spilling coffee in their laps like everyone else.

Swept Under the Rug
Some guy actually went to court to stop Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie’s production of “Swept Away” claiming they stole his idea. Is he kidding? That movie was so bad, I would go to court to deny any connection to that sorry pig.

Maybe I can't sing, but at least I'm not a jerk
Snippy “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell is getting out-of-hand. The English music producer was so rude to one contestant, he was ruled a naturalized French citizen.