It's alllll good, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers. Well, some of it anyway.

At Super Bowl media day, I wanted to play the Barbara Walters card and ask massive Tampa Bay Buccaneer defensive lineman Warren Sapp, if he was a tree, would there be Sapp? But my health insurance deductible is too high. Did I mention I had a press credential to cover media day at the Super Bowl? (Sniff and teeth-suck of smugness ) Well, I did.

I met Tampa Bay Buccaneer defensive lineman Warren Sapp on media day. He is one big guy. He was wearing a t-shirt with Super Bowl XXXVII on the front. It turns out XXXVII is the Super Bowl number, I thought it was Sapps’ shirt size.

Did you see the team interviews on Super Bowl media day? Their answers were so guarded it was pathetic.

“Hey, Tampa Bay Buccaneer coach Jon Gruden, do you like vanilla ice cream?”

“Well, I like all ice cream equally as well, as I’m sure does our wonderful opponent, the great Oakland Raiders.”

Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis was absent from Media Day. He was stuck at Denny’s arguing with Flo, the head waitress, over a charge on his early bird special bill. Actually, he did show up. But I thought he was discount coffin salesman.

The press at the Super Bowl is desperate for fresh angles. It had to be brutal for them when it used to be two weeks before the game:

“So, how much different is it to deliver toilet paper to the stadium during the Super Bowl than the regular season?”

Paging Pee Wee Herman
R&B singer R. Kelly, already facing child pornography charges in Illinois, was arrested in Florida on additional child pornography charges after investigators said they found 12 photographs of a nude girl at the singer's home. Let's sing together; ~~ I believe he will fry . . . ~~

Gone to the dogs
The new San Diego baseball field will be sponsored by Petco and will be called Petco Park. That is appropriate considering that, last season, the Padres made worse messes on the field than any dog could. PETA is protesting against Petco sponsoring the new San Diego baseball park. I can see why, it would be cruel to expose pets to how badly the Padres played last year.

Vee have vays of dealing wis you
Germany issued its strongest denunciation yet of looming military action against Iraq. Germany against war? That’s like the French being against body odor. Germany against war? That’s like the Irish being against beer.

You thought it hurt when the beverage cart hit your knee . . .
A nudist club booked a charter flight for its members and invited them to be naked on the plane. Can’t you just hear a bunch of naked people on a plane after a few drinks?

“Hey flight attendant. It’s locked and in the upright position, but that ain’t no trey table.”

I'll take idiots in court for one hundred, Alex
A federal judge dismissed a lawsuit against McDonald's that said the fast food chain was responsible for children's obesity. Now to get money from McDonalds, the litigants will have to go back to spilling coffee in their laps like everyone else.

Swept Under the Rug
Some guy actually went to court to stop Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie’s production of “Swept Away” claiming they stole his idea. Is he kidding? That movie was so bad, I would go to court to deny any connection to that sorry pig.

Maybe I can't sing, but at least I'm not a jerk
Snippy “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell is getting out-of-hand. The English music producer was so rude to one contestant, he was ruled a naturalized French citizen.