Friday, December 13, 2002

Why don't you join the team and come on in for the big win, or I will have you standing tall before the man, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That was a "Full Metal Jacket" reference in case you were wondering . . .

Cardinal Bernard Law, the central figure in the worst scandal to hit the Roman Catholic Church in America, resigned Friday as archbishop of Boston. He has, however, been named as the head of entertainment for Club Med.

The New York Post claims that Kelly Clarkson previously had a record contract, violating the rules of “American Idol” and should be ineligible as the winner. Upon hearing this, runner-up Justin Guarini was so shocked, he nearly forgot to super-size a customer’s fries.

Actor Nick Nolte received three years probation for his D.U.I. arrest. He was sentenced to drug counseling, a 90-day treatment program, and, in light of his mug shot, two months of interning at a Super Cuts. E Online reported that when the Judge asked Nolte if he understood the conditions, the actor replied; “Yes Sir” gruffly. Gruffly? What a shock. Haven’t they ever seen Nolte in a movie? The guy can only do things gruffly. Did you see the picture of him in court, all craggy with a gray beard? I don’t want to say Nolte looks old, but he is only 61. Dick Clark is 72 and Nolte looks like he could be Dick Clark’s Dad.

To help combat traffic during the proposed transit strike, to drive into New York City, you have to have four passengers in the car. In Los Angeles, you know what you call a car with four passengers? Escaping from Mexico. The average Southern Californian would rather share their underwear than a ride.

Seeking to end finals stress, college students drink water, eat healthy snacks and take naps. Naps? When I was taking finals, naps only happened to the kids who ran out of drugs.

New Jersey will require kids under 14 wear ski helmets to help prevent serious head injury. Here’s my question, how can you get a serious head injury from skiing in a state that doesn’t have any mountains? That’s like requiring kids in Arizona to wear snowshoes.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: Cristina Aguilera said she wants to try acting. Good idea, Christina try acting like you’re not such a whore.

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

P.S. Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That was just my lovely wife, Virginia on the phone. I can describe the difference between me and my wife like this: Remember the Sheryl Crowe song “All I Wanna Do”? The song describes a guy in a sleazy bar getting a beer buzz on early in the morning while looking across the street at the self-car wash where "the good people of the world are scrubbing their cars as best they can in suits and skirts." Well, I am the shlub in the bar and my wife is one of the good people.

Long before real estate agents bastardized it to stress location, Washington Irving once said the three most important qualities in a person are kindness, kindness, and kindness. Well, my wife is extremely kind. In fact, maybe too kind. Would it kill her to actually take her turn at a four way stop sign, or does she have to let everyone in the world go before her?

And she thinks it’s rude to ever hang up on someone in any way, so, as a result, her side of the phone conversation never actually ends. Ever. I like to talk on the phone, but I want to talk like a field commander talks in battle on the radio:

“Send in air cover now. Click.”

My wife takes longer to say goodbye than I want to talk;

Me: Honey, seriously, for the third time, I really gotta go.

Virg; Oh, OK, well then I guess I’ll see you at home later and . . . oh, yeah, what do you want to do for dinner? Oh, and remember, I’ve got that thing I want us to go to . . .


Virg: (Silent hurt pause) Why do you have to yell?

God forbid, but if my lovely wife, Virginia, was ever on the radio in battle, everyone in her command would be dead from sniper fire before she even got done saying hello to the person on other end.

I want you to say it like you mean it as a person, as well as a human being, as well as a close personal friend,* Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Caught a bit of a 'tude today, TS's and NR's.

(*Inside joke, Slats and Nuggies. I used to have this phoney, shamelessly name-dropping acquaintance who would try to impress anyone who would listen about her endless B-list celebrity run-ins by describing the hack-actors as "my close, personal friend." As opposed, I suppose, to those pesky distant, impersonal friends. As it turns out, those "celebrities" were neither close, personal, nor friendly. But that didn't stop her from sleeping with them. Oh, Lex, get the hairdryer off your head, for crying out loud)

The Iraqi weapons report is out. Maybe it’s just me, but there is something inherently cute about picturing President Bush wrestling with a 12,000 page document. It’s like seeing a yellow Labrador puppy trying to bury a thirty-foot long dinosaur bone. Some good news for President Bush. The Iraqi 12,000 page weapons report is coming out in hooked-on-phonics.

Christina Aguilera said she wants to try acting. Good idea, for starters, Christina should start acting like she’s not such a slut. There's goes that 'tude again. (Sung to the tune of Jackson Browne's "Here come those tears again.")

After a speech to his senior military advisors, Saddam Hussein was congratulated by his sons Uday and Qusay. Who named his sons, Dr. Suess? Is that Bagdad or Whoville?

A while ago it was reported that Australia’s largest brothel is going to go public and sell shares of stock. A brothel is one stock you don’t want to sell short. You want to go long when it comes to a brothel.

More than 100 celebrities have urged President Bush to avoid a war with Iraq in a letter. Forgot those special operations advisors, Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Sec of State General Colin Powell, or the Joint Chiefs of Staff, when it comes to military knowledge, nothing outranks the advice of a Hollywood Celebrity. Why, some of them have even fired a fake gun.

Now, I don't want to get off on a Dennis Miller bit here, but I can think of two words why Bush should ignore military advice from Hollywood Celebrities:1, Jane and 2, Fonda. How does an actor feel qualified to advise our Commander in Chief on military issues? I mean, at least Captain Kangaroo was a frickin' Captain. Celebrities should not feel entitled to dictate foreign policy. To put it in perspective, celebrities are less qualified to dictate policy than are politicians, and hardly anyone is less qualified at anything than a politician.

United Airlines has declared bankruptcy but they are still going to continue flying. You thought it was hard to get a drink from a flight attendant before? Just wait until they are serving them for free.

The new, hot item is this product that claims to cure all body odor, including smelly feet and underarms. (In New York it’s called getting the hell out of the cab) The bad news about this body odor ending product? It could eliminate the entire population of France.

Why pick on France? Because it's fun and it is so, so easy. Kind of like Christina. Hmm. You know, now that I think about it, I think the name Aguilera is French. Roughly translated, it means, Over-the-top singing trollop. And that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, is a rhyme just in time.

Again with the 'tude? Sure. But remember, as my old friend Doc used to say, my opinion, and a couple of sheckels, will buy you a steaming cup of who-gives-a-rat's-ass?