I want you to say it like you mean it as a person, as well as a human being, as well as a close personal friend,* Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Caught a bit of a 'tude today, TS's and NR's.

(*Inside joke, Slats and Nuggies. I used to have this phoney, shamelessly name-dropping acquaintance who would try to impress anyone who would listen about her endless B-list celebrity run-ins by describing the hack-actors as "my close, personal friend." As opposed, I suppose, to those pesky distant, impersonal friends. As it turns out, those "celebrities" were neither close, personal, nor friendly. But that didn't stop her from sleeping with them. Oh, Lex, get the hairdryer off your head, for crying out loud)

The Iraqi weapons report is out. Maybe it’s just me, but there is something inherently cute about picturing President Bush wrestling with a 12,000 page document. It’s like seeing a yellow Labrador puppy trying to bury a thirty-foot long dinosaur bone. Some good news for President Bush. The Iraqi 12,000 page weapons report is coming out in hooked-on-phonics.

Christina Aguilera said she wants to try acting. Good idea, for starters, Christina should start acting like she’s not such a slut. There's goes that 'tude again. (Sung to the tune of Jackson Browne's "Here come those tears again.")

After a speech to his senior military advisors, Saddam Hussein was congratulated by his sons Uday and Qusay. Who named his sons, Dr. Suess? Is that Bagdad or Whoville?

A while ago it was reported that Australia’s largest brothel is going to go public and sell shares of stock. A brothel is one stock you don’t want to sell short. You want to go long when it comes to a brothel.

More than 100 celebrities have urged President Bush to avoid a war with Iraq in a letter. Forgot those special operations advisors, Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Sec of State General Colin Powell, or the Joint Chiefs of Staff, when it comes to military knowledge, nothing outranks the advice of a Hollywood Celebrity. Why, some of them have even fired a fake gun.

Now, I don't want to get off on a Dennis Miller bit here, but I can think of two words why Bush should ignore military advice from Hollywood Celebrities:1, Jane and 2, Fonda. How does an actor feel qualified to advise our Commander in Chief on military issues? I mean, at least Captain Kangaroo was a frickin' Captain. Celebrities should not feel entitled to dictate foreign policy. To put it in perspective, celebrities are less qualified to dictate policy than are politicians, and hardly anyone is less qualified at anything than a politician.

United Airlines has declared bankruptcy but they are still going to continue flying. You thought it was hard to get a drink from a flight attendant before? Just wait until they are serving them for free.

The new, hot item is this product that claims to cure all body odor, including smelly feet and underarms. (In New York it’s called getting the hell out of the cab) The bad news about this body odor ending product? It could eliminate the entire population of France.

Why pick on France? Because it's fun and it is so, so easy. Kind of like Christina. Hmm. You know, now that I think about it, I think the name Aguilera is French. Roughly translated, it means, Over-the-top singing trollop. And that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, is a rhyme just in time.

Again with the 'tude? Sure. But remember, as my old friend Doc used to say, my opinion, and a couple of sheckels, will buy you a steaming cup of who-gives-a-rat's-ass?