Why don't you join the team and come on in for the big win, or I will have you standing tall before the man, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That was a "Full Metal Jacket" reference in case you were wondering . . .

Cardinal Bernard Law, the central figure in the worst scandal to hit the Roman Catholic Church in America, resigned Friday as archbishop of Boston. He has, however, been named as the head of entertainment for Club Med.

The New York Post claims that Kelly Clarkson previously had a record contract, violating the rules of “American Idol” and should be ineligible as the winner. Upon hearing this, runner-up Justin Guarini was so shocked, he nearly forgot to super-size a customer’s fries.

Actor Nick Nolte received three years probation for his D.U.I. arrest. He was sentenced to drug counseling, a 90-day treatment program, and, in light of his mug shot, two months of interning at a Super Cuts. E Online reported that when the Judge asked Nolte if he understood the conditions, the actor replied; “Yes Sir” gruffly. Gruffly? What a shock. Haven’t they ever seen Nolte in a movie? The guy can only do things gruffly. Did you see the picture of him in court, all craggy with a gray beard? I don’t want to say Nolte looks old, but he is only 61. Dick Clark is 72 and Nolte looks like he could be Dick Clark’s Dad.

To help combat traffic during the proposed transit strike, to drive into New York City, you have to have four passengers in the car. In Los Angeles, you know what you call a car with four passengers? Escaping from Mexico. The average Southern Californian would rather share their underwear than a ride.

Seeking to end finals stress, college students drink water, eat healthy snacks and take naps. Naps? When I was taking finals, naps only happened to the kids who ran out of drugs.

New Jersey will require kids under 14 wear ski helmets to help prevent serious head injury. Here’s my question, how can you get a serious head injury from skiing in a state that doesn’t have any mountains? That’s like requiring kids in Arizona to wear snowshoes.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: Cristina Aguilera said she wants to try acting. Good idea, Christina try acting like you’re not such a whore.