Thursday, November 28, 2002

Get your turkey freak on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ahhh, the holiday trappings of Thanksgiving: Work out in the morning and kid yourself into thinking that makes it OK to gorge yourself; Load up on the booze at the store; Make the appetizers, and then park your sorry butt in front of that TV and make like a house plant that drinks beer in front of the football game until it's time to binge like a super model. Is this a great country, or what? I plan on taking in enough tryptophan to knock out a monkey on crack. And then I will rouse myself for the traditional Thanksgiving poker game and see if I can't soak my sweet mother-in-law for every dime she has. Muuhahahahahahahah.

Happy Thanksgiving Nuggies and Slats.

What has it been? An entire day since Michael Jackson has done or said something whacky? Good job, Michael, keep it up and in about ninety years we may not think you're a total nut-job.

If my throwback uniforms were is ugly as the Detroit Lions, I wouldn't throwback. They look like the practice uniforms of a high school in the throes of a brutal budget crunch. Even the coaches were wearing throwback jackets. These NFL marketing guys don't miss a trick. What's next? Throwforward jerseys? Here is what the players will be wearing in twenty years, so buy them now, folks.

Time to take the trouble and double trouble - Kasey and Wrigley, my yellow labradorables - to the park for a rousing game of chase the frisbee and sniff other dogs you-know-what's. Hey, dogs need to give thanks too, you know.

Peace, yo, check it, I'm out, y'all.

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

It's gettin' all good to me now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today is the biggest bar business day of the year, folks. So have a couple on the house, Slats and Nuggies. But remember, if you can't find the drunkest idiot at the bar? It's you.

At least 85 people on a Disney cruise ship have contracted a flu-like illness this week. It’s the sickest anyone has been on a cruise ship since Kathy Lee Gifford sang on a Carnival Cruise.

The UN inspectors are spreading out around Iraq, according to Chief UN Inspector Hans Blix. Am I crazy, or isn’t Hans Blix the name of one of Santa’s reindeer?

Due to her success in Celebrity boxing against Paula Jones, Tonya Harding announced she is going to be a professional female boxer. That’s like announcing you’re going to be a major league pitcher because you struck out Ray Charles.

After merely three months of marriage, Nicolas Cage has filed for divorce from Lisa Marie Presley. That has to hurt Cage. His marriage to Lisa Marie didn’t last as long as Michael Jackson’s did. Three months. What were their wedding vows? “Do you promise to love honor and cherish until the milk in your refrigerator expires?”

Russell Crowe tops Film Threat's ``Frigid 50,'' an annual ranking of the coldest movie stars. And that’s after Madonna came out with “Swept Away.” Winona Ryder was second on Film Threat's ``Frigid 50,'' an annual ranking of the coldest movie stars. In fact, Winona is so cold, she had to run out and steal a sweater to get warm. Among the 50 celebrities on Film Threat's ``Frigid 50,'' an annual ranking of the coldest movie stars are Cuba Gooding Jr., Richard Gere, Barbra Streisand and Anna Nicole Smith. Poor Jon Claude Van Damm, he’s so cold he couldn’t even make the “Frigid 50” list.

A British commercial which depicts a cartoon President Bush inserting a DVD into a toaster, was banned for being unfair. As it should have been. Everyone knows Bush put the DVD into the microwave.

In announcing his next fight, Mike Tyson said; " I'm tired of being stupid.'' Tyson must be really, really tired.

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Which one of you Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers is going to carve this here Turducken?

If you follow Monday Night Football, as did I, you heard John Madden's rant about the Turducken, the chicken in a duck in a turkey for Thanksgiving. No lie, a chicken in a duck in a turkey. And we wonder why poor countries hate us?

Speaking of turkeys . . .

Due to her success in Celebrity boxing, Tonya Harding announced she is going to be a professional female boxer. Her fighting name? The Trollop with the Wallop. The gutter slut with the upper cut. The Batterin’ Slattern. The great White-trash Hope. The Whore who Floor’s. The Floozy who Woozy’s. The hard shot Harlot.

After merely three months of marriage, Nicolas Cage has filed for divorce from Lisa Marie Presley. You knew this couldn’t last. How was Nicolas Cage supposed to follow sex-dynamo Michael Jackson? “Gone in Sixty Seconds” wasn’t just a Cage movie title, it replaced ‘till death you do part” in their wedding vows. The marriage lasted three months. Milk lasts longer. Or as Jennifer Lopez calls three months, the diamond anniversary.

L.A. has passed New York City as the murder capital of the U.S. The bad news is they have more murder victims, the good news is there are less people on the freeways.

Police in France say that the fourth time in less than a year, an elderly man has robbed the local drug store of its entire stock of Viagra. Kind of brings new meaning to a stick up.They figured out it was Viagra because, even while holding an armful of pill bottles, he was still able to open the door. They figured out it was Viagra because, even while holding an armful of pill bottles, he was still able to steer his car.

SI swimsuit super model Hiedi Klum is getting divorced. For you guys who are truly excited by this information, you can call a toll free number for more information: 1-800- AS IF, PAL.

The deputy governor of a largely Islamic state in northern Nigeria has called on Muslims to kill the Nigerian writer of a newspaper article about the Miss World beauty pageant. Kill the writer. Well, so much for a pointedly worded letter to the editor.

President Bush’s twin daughters are 21. They are going to celebrate on Thursday with a lot of Turkey. Wild Turkey.

The Portland Trail Blazers Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire were cited for possession of marijuana last week when a state trooper pulled them over for speeding. Great, the Los Angeles Lakers couldn’t even beat a bunch of stoners.

French anti-terrorism agents have arrested six suspects in connection with a failed plot by Richard Reid to blow up a trans-Atlantic flight last year with explosives hidden in his shoes. They were arrested at a shoe factory just as they began production on their 2003 line of Nike Air Jihads.

The head of a national women's group, Martha Burk, continues to hound Augusta National – host of the Masters - to admit female members. An obviously frustrated anonymous member of Augusta replied; “We really don’t have anything against women” he continued, “I mean, it’s not like we think women like Martha Burk are bitter, annoying harpies who never shut up about being in a private club where they aren’t wanted. Ahem, no, uh, it’s not like that at all.”

I keep going back and forth on this: On the one hand, Augusta is a private club and can do what they want. On the other hand, a few women wouldn't hurt. Have you seen that green jacket they award? Only a guy could pick out a garment that ugly.

Green Day singer Billie Joe Armstrong announced he does not support President Bush's moves against Iraq. In response, Sec of Defense Donald Rumsfeld called an emergency press conference at the Pentagon to reply that Armstrong’s statement, in conjunction with about ten cents, will buy a big heaping bowl of who-gives-a-rat’s-ass? In a related story, Sec. of State Colin Powell announced a special military draft specifically for loudmouth wussie-boy singers.

Monday, November 25, 2002

The bird is the word on Thursday, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Let's all call the Butterball hotline and ask them what is the stupidest question they've heard.

The Segway scooter is now available to buy. This is the perfect item for the lazy dork on your Christmas list.They are very popular. Winona Ryder has already stolen two.

Florida State quarterback Adrian McPherson was dismissed from the team Monday for violating an unspecified team rule. I am shocked. I had no idea Florida State had team rules.

How bad did the San Diego Chargers play in their 30-3 loss to the Miami Dolphins? Today the coaches opted to see Madonna’s movie “Swept Away” instead of the game film.

An aide to the Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien reportedly called President Bush a moron. Bush shouldn’t be too upset, that’s only 63 % of an insult after the exchange rate.

A British pub chain was fined $7,850 after undercover inspectors caught a few patrons dancing at two of its popular bars. The crime: flouting licensing laws that ban "rhythmic moving." That’s one crime I will never commit. Rhythmic moving? You can bet the perps weren’t middle-aged white guys.

President Bush’s twin daughters are 21. How exciting, they can now go out to a bar for the first time and have their first drink. When asked how it felt to have their daughters be able to legally drink, Bush said; “Oh, they’ve been legally drunk lots of times.”

In the Tampa Bay Bucs 21-7 win over the Green Bay Packers, after an interception, Warren Sapp too a cheap shot that left tackle Chad Clifton numb and then celebrated over him. Proving, once again, that Sapp is the most appropriately named player in the NFL.

In the Lions 20-17 overtime loss to the Chicago Bears, Detroit coach Marty Mornhinweg won the overtime toss and gives the Bears the ball. That has to be the stupidest thing to happen on a football field since Ryan Leaf.

USC had a huge win in football over UCLA 52-2,1 Saturday. The USC students went wild afterwards. Well, maybe not wild, but there were several reports of fraternity members frolicking about with their Polo shirts completely un-tucked and their hair messed up.