Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Which one of you Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers is going to carve this here Turducken?

If you follow Monday Night Football, as did I, you heard John Madden's rant about the Turducken, the chicken in a duck in a turkey for Thanksgiving. No lie, a chicken in a duck in a turkey. And we wonder why poor countries hate us?

Speaking of turkeys . . .

Due to her success in Celebrity boxing, Tonya Harding announced she is going to be a professional female boxer. Her fighting name? The Trollop with the Wallop. The gutter slut with the upper cut. The Batterin’ Slattern. The great White-trash Hope. The Whore who Floor’s. The Floozy who Woozy’s. The hard shot Harlot.

After merely three months of marriage, Nicolas Cage has filed for divorce from Lisa Marie Presley. You knew this couldn’t last. How was Nicolas Cage supposed to follow sex-dynamo Michael Jackson? “Gone in Sixty Seconds” wasn’t just a Cage movie title, it replaced ‘till death you do part” in their wedding vows. The marriage lasted three months. Milk lasts longer. Or as Jennifer Lopez calls three months, the diamond anniversary.

L.A. has passed New York City as the murder capital of the U.S. The bad news is they have more murder victims, the good news is there are less people on the freeways.

Police in France say that the fourth time in less than a year, an elderly man has robbed the local drug store of its entire stock of Viagra. Kind of brings new meaning to a stick up.They figured out it was Viagra because, even while holding an armful of pill bottles, he was still able to open the door. They figured out it was Viagra because, even while holding an armful of pill bottles, he was still able to steer his car.

SI swimsuit super model Hiedi Klum is getting divorced. For you guys who are truly excited by this information, you can call a toll free number for more information: 1-800- AS IF, PAL.

The deputy governor of a largely Islamic state in northern Nigeria has called on Muslims to kill the Nigerian writer of a newspaper article about the Miss World beauty pageant. Kill the writer. Well, so much for a pointedly worded letter to the editor.

President Bush’s twin daughters are 21. They are going to celebrate on Thursday with a lot of Turkey. Wild Turkey.

The Portland Trail Blazers Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire were cited for possession of marijuana last week when a state trooper pulled them over for speeding. Great, the Los Angeles Lakers couldn’t even beat a bunch of stoners.

French anti-terrorism agents have arrested six suspects in connection with a failed plot by Richard Reid to blow up a trans-Atlantic flight last year with explosives hidden in his shoes. They were arrested at a shoe factory just as they began production on their 2003 line of Nike Air Jihads.

The head of a national women's group, Martha Burk, continues to hound Augusta National – host of the Masters - to admit female members. An obviously frustrated anonymous member of Augusta replied; “We really don’t have anything against women” he continued, “I mean, it’s not like we think women like Martha Burk are bitter, annoying harpies who never shut up about being in a private club where they aren’t wanted. Ahem, no, uh, it’s not like that at all.”

I keep going back and forth on this: On the one hand, Augusta is a private club and can do what they want. On the other hand, a few women wouldn't hurt. Have you seen that green jacket they award? Only a guy could pick out a garment that ugly.

Green Day singer Billie Joe Armstrong announced he does not support President Bush's moves against Iraq. In response, Sec of Defense Donald Rumsfeld called an emergency press conference at the Pentagon to reply that Armstrong’s statement, in conjunction with about ten cents, will buy a big heaping bowl of who-gives-a-rat’s-ass? In a related story, Sec. of State Colin Powell announced a special military draft specifically for loudmouth wussie-boy singers.