Friday, November 01, 2002

I'm all about being all about it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Man, what is going on with this stock market? It is shooting up faster than a movie goer who just realizied they are mistakenly in the theater showing Madonna's "Swept Away"
Jump back, kiss yourselves, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There is a Tonya Hot Sauce that features an unflattering caricature of Tonya Harding outside a dumpy trailer, cigarette in mouth, ice skates in one hand and a hubcap in the other. Tonya is fighting it. Not because she is offended, but because the sauce doesn’t go well with pork rinds and Lucky beer.

I had a rough Halloween. I got the works from the trick or treaters, smashed pumpkins, thrown eggs, soaped windows, toilet paper in the trees. That will teach me to hand out free tickets to Madonna’s movie “Swept Away.”

The good news is that my candy supply lasted longer than last year. Last year I kept running out because Winona Ryder kept coming by and swipping the whole bowl.

Halloween in California is wild. At one point at the door, I thought I saw the scariest costume I have ever seen: greasy hair sticking way out, all disheveled, a nutty ol guy looking out of it with a crazed expression. Turns out it was just Nick Nolte wanting to borrow a cup of sugar.

I saw a headline that said "Bush Hits the Road" and then I saw that it was the President campaigning for Republicans. At first I thought Christine Aguilera announcing a tour.

There were problems with Winona Ryder in court. This morning, when she tried to enter, the security tags on her clothes kept triggering the metal detector.

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Do like you do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Is everyone adjusting to the time change? On Sunday we picked up an hour. Well, except for Winona Ryder, for some reason she picked up four hours. She said she paid for them though.

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

What it was, what it shall be, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today a security guard testified Winona Ryder claimed she was preparing for an acting role when she was arrested on suspicion of shoplifting at the posh Saks Fifth Avenue store. And now Nick Nolte claims his drunk driving arrest was due to his preparing for his role in the upcoming; “The Ted Kennedy” story.

Scientists say they have found the burial box of Jesus' younger brother James. That's got to be a lot of pressure, don't you think? Jesus' younger brother? Why even try? James had to be the first person in history to have a tattoo and a black leather jacket.

"Hey, yo, it’s Jimmy Christ.

After a few weeks of a rally, the stock market was down big today. Apparently corporate earnings are way down. Well, not all corporate earning, but after producing “Swept Away” Sony pictures earnings are down so much they dragged the rest of the market with it.

El Cajon, CA police stopped a speeding car early Sunday and found the passenger dead from apparent stab wounds. The driver was not considered a murder suspect, but he was charged with illegally driving in the car pool lane.

The folks behind the Got Milk? advertising campaign are trying to get a town to name itself Got Milk? Let’s hope they have more luck the makers of Viagra who tried to get a town to name itself Got Wood?

To be candid, now that that awesome seven game World Series is over I miss it; I want to reach out and touch it and yet I come away with an odd empty feeling. Kind of like the doctor giving a physical to the steroided-out Barry Bonds after the turn-and-cough test.

The World Series is barely over, and already the Anaheim Angels have some bad off-season news. Turns out the Rally Monkey was charged with disturbing the peace and domestic abuse after getting drunk and throwing feces at his girlfriend.

Here is my question: what does the Rally Monkey do during the off season? Do they rent him out for corporate picnics? “

“Yeah, Qualcom was losing the three-legged race to Nokia, but Qualcom’s personnel department hired the Rally Monkey, out he came, and Qualcom won at the very end.”

The NBA regular season is under way. Or as the NBA regular season has come to be known: those series of meaningless games before the Los Angeles Lakers win the Championship.

Monday, October 28, 2002

Bump with me now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You know what the big thing is this Halloween? Two for one costumes:

Girls are dressing as either Chrisine Aguliera or a street hooker.

Guys are going as either Beetlejuice, or Nick Nolte's mug shot.

A group can go as the Rolling Stones or Strom Thurmond and his poker buddies.

Another popular one is either the singer Meat Loaf or Anna Nicole Smith.

And this one just in, you can either go as McCauley Culkin in "Home Alone" or the Anaheim Angels tiny short stop, David Eckstein.