Jump back, kiss yourselves, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There is a Tonya Hot Sauce that features an unflattering caricature of Tonya Harding outside a dumpy trailer, cigarette in mouth, ice skates in one hand and a hubcap in the other. Tonya is fighting it. Not because she is offended, but because the sauce doesn’t go well with pork rinds and Lucky beer.

I had a rough Halloween. I got the works from the trick or treaters, smashed pumpkins, thrown eggs, soaped windows, toilet paper in the trees. That will teach me to hand out free tickets to Madonna’s movie “Swept Away.”

The good news is that my candy supply lasted longer than last year. Last year I kept running out because Winona Ryder kept coming by and swipping the whole bowl.

Halloween in California is wild. At one point at the door, I thought I saw the scariest costume I have ever seen: greasy hair sticking way out, all disheveled, a nutty ol guy looking out of it with a crazed expression. Turns out it was just Nick Nolte wanting to borrow a cup of sugar.

I saw a headline that said "Bush Hits the Road" and then I saw that it was the President campaigning for Republicans. At first I thought Christine Aguilera announcing a tour.

There were problems with Winona Ryder in court. This morning, when she tried to enter, the security tags on her clothes kept triggering the metal detector.