Saturday, September 14, 2002

Don't disrespect the Bing, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A word of warning: You have to be careful with that Botox stuff that gets rid of wrinkles. The Rollings Stones Keith Richards used it and his face disappeared.

A government study shows Americans are overweight and physically lazy but are living longer than ever before. Guys are going to run with this:

“Is that all you are going to do today, eat and lie on the couch?”

“But honey, it’s part of my new longevity-increasing fitness program.”

Yes baseball fans, it’s that time of year; the days are getting cooler and longer, the regular season games are almost over and Chicago Cubs fans have to figure out which playoff bound team they hate the least.

Did you see that former New York Mayor Rudy Gulianni has wisely lost his comb-over and now combs his hair back? It is about time. Comb-overs are uglier than homemade soap. Comb-overs are like that ugly portrait of Aunt Trudy used to cover up the wall stain. Comb-overs are the hairstyle equivalent of lipstick on a pig. The two sleaziest human beings that I ever met both had comb-overs. I don't want to say their names, but their initials were Aldo Pagano and Bob Felderman.

The last two counts against NBA All-Star Allen Iverson will be dropped because his accusers don't want to pursue the case. This is a very valuable lesson to the young kids: never, ever, commit felonies unless you are rich and famous. So after kicking his wife out of the house naked and breaking into an apartment and threatening people with a gun, absolutely nothing happens. Well if that doesn’t teach Iverson a lesson, nothing will.

A Porno Star (notice how they are always porno stars? Is there such a thing as a porno also ran?) is going to try and break a record with 20 consecutive orgasms. The only time I did twenty things in a row, I was kicked out of the all-you-can-eat donut shop. The guy must have loaded Viagra in his Pez dispenser.

Thursday, September 12, 2002

Please indulge me. I wrote this yesterday about a guy I used to work with.

Remember Vinny.

In 1983, I moved from Santa Barbara to New York City to be a bond trader. If there is a more shocking cultural transition in the U.S., I sure don't know about it.

On my first day on the job I was wet behind the ears - and I mean that literally, I had windsurfed the day before I left. To mix metaphors, I was a scared California-homesick fish out of water and flopping in the big apple. All I wanted to do was make it through my first day on Wall Street without drawing any attention.

Barely through my first hour, I went to get coffee. There in the break room, standing by the sink, was this big, cocky Italian-American guy about my age. (Trust me, if he was in "The Sopranos" you'd think; "Oh come on, nobody could be that Italian.") I will never, ever forget what that guy did: He poured soda water into a glass, then chocolate syrup, then some milk and stirred the whole mess into a brown froth. I asked;

"Uh, err, um, excuse me, Bud, but, like, what is that stuff?"

This guy dropped the spoon in the sink with a clank and stared at me like I had sprouted horns. In utter amazement and disbelief he demanded;

"Where the f--- are you from? Where the f --- are you from? You mean to tell me ‘dat youse ain’t never seen a frickin' egg cream before? Hey, Tony, Doc, Johnny, Frankie, Aldo, everybody get in here. Dis frickin' guy over here has never seen an egg cream before."

That was Vinny. Vinny was the prototypical Jersey guy. Vinny lived life to the top- sometimes a bit over – and he had a heart that was just as full. Vinny felt sorry for me – he could tell I was out of my league – and sort of took me under his large, and hairy, wing. That big lug, like many others, took pity and helped make my move to New York bearable. But nearly every day of the three years I worked there, Vinny never let me forget the damn egg cream incident:

"Hey, Yo, Al,” (Vinny never did buy Alex as a real name), “come over here, Al. Al, I want to introduce youse to a new taste treat. It's called peatzer. (pizza) And this here is what we like to call a sangwich.” (sandwich)

Vinny loved to, as he put it, bust my chops.

Years later, when I had moved back to California and struggled to start all over as a stockbroker and open new accounts, I picked up the phone and, once again, heard that unmistakable voice;

“Yo, Al, how’s it goin’ over there? Hey, listen, you frickin’ hump, can you do me a favor here?”

Evidentially, Vinny had heard about my situation, so he called to throw me a big trade.

Vinny and his younger brother Andrew, whom Vinny hired a few years before, were working side by side trading bonds at Cantor Fitzgerald in the World Trade Center on the morning of September 11th. Neither Vinny nor Andrew made it out.

Here are Vinny and Andrew:

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

P.S. Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

If you are invited to the upcoming O.J. and his girlfriend wedding, here is a helpful wedding gift hint:

He is registered at Chicago Cutlery.

Hang in there, you brilliant Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Did you follow that “American Idol” Show? I feel sorry for that Justin kid. Not only did he lose to Kelly, but today, Kenny- G called and asked for his hair back.

O.J. Simpson is getting married to his girlfriend. Watch as the guests scamper to retrieve their wedding gifts when the minister says; “’Til death do you part.”

A couple in New York sent their $5 dollar gold fish to a vet for a $500 operation. The most amazing thing? It was cosmetic surgery; a tummy tuck and fin reduction.

The color-coded security alert has been raised from yellow to orange, from elevated to high. Orange as in Orange you going come up with a better damn warning system? In case you are following the less known, and less P.C. underwear security alert system, we are now going from yellow to . . . no, I can't even say it. But it rhymes with clown . . .

N Sync member Lance Bass will not be going into space. So, if you include Justin Timberlake who reportedly dated, but did not sleep with, Britney Spears, Lance is now the second member of N Sync who couldn’t launch his rocket.

New York Yankees pitcher David Wells had two teeth knocked out after a fight at a 5:00 am Manhattan dinner. If Wells loses any more teeth, he’ll have to be traded to Atlanta.

On this date in 1972, at the Munich Summer Olympics, the U.S. Olympic basketball team lost to the Soviets, 51-50, in a controversial gold-medal match. I remember that. Let’s just say the officials did to the U.S. team what Clinton does to Interns.

Houston Texan star rookie quarterback David Carr wears his wedding ring during games. Apparently he misunderstood when the coach told him to try and keep from getting hit on.

Have you seen those recent pictures of Saddam Hussein? When did he turn into Yogi Bear?

Florida Gov. Jeb Bush's 25-year-old daughter was found with crack cocaine at a rehabilitation center. Even Robert Downey Jr. is shaking his head at that one. That’s pretty bad when Jenna Bush is the second wildest Bush cousin.

President Bush said that Saddam Hussein has “Crawfished” out of every agreement. And today, Yale University asked Bush for their bachelor’s degree back.

Sacramento Kings star Chris Webber was indicted on charges he lied to a grand jury about his dealings with a University of Michigan basketball booster more than a decade ago when he was a member of the famous Fab Five. Apparently the Fab stood for fabrication.

On Sept. 9, 1776, the second Continental Congress made the term ``United States'' official. United States in much better than their other name idea: Starbucks.

Have you seen the ads for the new CBS show “Hack”? An ex-cop, New York cab driver goes around fighting crime. Isn’t this guy just a broke-ass Batman? Does he have one of those dime store rubber band masks and a ratty beach towel for a cape?

I don’t want to imply that the only way to win a major women’s tennis tournament is to be a Williams sister, but today Jennifer Capriatti, Monica Seles and Martina Hingis have all applied to the Williams family for adoption. Winning a women’s tournament without having the last name Williams is harder than getting a word in sideways on “The View.”

The Kansas City Chiefs beat the Cleveland Browns 40-39 because of a penalty when the Brown’s Dwayne Rudd prematurely tore off his helmet in celebration. Today Rudd was listed on the injured reserve after undergoing an involuntary helmet-to-head stapling procedure. From now on Rudd can expect other team’s P.A. system’s to blare Randy Newman’s “You Can Leave Your Hat On.”

I don’t know a lot about the great Pete Sampras, Andre Agassi, U.S. Open final, but, from watching it, I am pretty sure that Rogaine was not one of the sponsors.

A report said Iraq retains chemical and biological weapons and the capability to quickly produce more. This came from a respected think tank. As opposed to a disrespected think tank, the Anna Nicole Institute of Book Learnin’ and Such.

Bill Clinton is a member of think tank. Well, actually his is a think hot tub.