Tuesday, September 10, 2002

Hang in there, you brilliant Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Did you follow that “American Idol” Show? I feel sorry for that Justin kid. Not only did he lose to Kelly, but today, Kenny- G called and asked for his hair back.

O.J. Simpson is getting married to his girlfriend. Watch as the guests scamper to retrieve their wedding gifts when the minister says; “’Til death do you part.”

A couple in New York sent their $5 dollar gold fish to a vet for a $500 operation. The most amazing thing? It was cosmetic surgery; a tummy tuck and fin reduction.

The color-coded security alert has been raised from yellow to orange, from elevated to high. Orange as in Orange you going come up with a better damn warning system? In case you are following the less known, and less P.C. underwear security alert system, we are now going from yellow to . . . no, I can't even say it. But it rhymes with clown . . .

N Sync member Lance Bass will not be going into space. So, if you include Justin Timberlake who reportedly dated, but did not sleep with, Britney Spears, Lance is now the second member of N Sync who couldn’t launch his rocket.

New York Yankees pitcher David Wells had two teeth knocked out after a fight at a 5:00 am Manhattan dinner. If Wells loses any more teeth, he’ll have to be traded to Atlanta.

On this date in 1972, at the Munich Summer Olympics, the U.S. Olympic basketball team lost to the Soviets, 51-50, in a controversial gold-medal match. I remember that. Let’s just say the officials did to the U.S. team what Clinton does to Interns.

Houston Texan star rookie quarterback David Carr wears his wedding ring during games. Apparently he misunderstood when the coach told him to try and keep from getting hit on.

Have you seen those recent pictures of Saddam Hussein? When did he turn into Yogi Bear?

Florida Gov. Jeb Bush's 25-year-old daughter was found with crack cocaine at a rehabilitation center. Even Robert Downey Jr. is shaking his head at that one. That’s pretty bad when Jenna Bush is the second wildest Bush cousin.

President Bush said that Saddam Hussein has “Crawfished” out of every agreement. And today, Yale University asked Bush for their bachelor’s degree back.

Sacramento Kings star Chris Webber was indicted on charges he lied to a grand jury about his dealings with a University of Michigan basketball booster more than a decade ago when he was a member of the famous Fab Five. Apparently the Fab stood for fabrication.

On Sept. 9, 1776, the second Continental Congress made the term ``United States'' official. United States in much better than their other name idea: Starbucks.

Have you seen the ads for the new CBS show “Hack”? An ex-cop, New York cab driver goes around fighting crime. Isn’t this guy just a broke-ass Batman? Does he have one of those dime store rubber band masks and a ratty beach towel for a cape?

I don’t want to imply that the only way to win a major women’s tennis tournament is to be a Williams sister, but today Jennifer Capriatti, Monica Seles and Martina Hingis have all applied to the Williams family for adoption. Winning a women’s tournament without having the last name Williams is harder than getting a word in sideways on “The View.”

The Kansas City Chiefs beat the Cleveland Browns 40-39 because of a penalty when the Brown’s Dwayne Rudd prematurely tore off his helmet in celebration. Today Rudd was listed on the injured reserve after undergoing an involuntary helmet-to-head stapling procedure. From now on Rudd can expect other team’s P.A. system’s to blare Randy Newman’s “You Can Leave Your Hat On.”

I don’t know a lot about the great Pete Sampras, Andre Agassi, U.S. Open final, but, from watching it, I am pretty sure that Rogaine was not one of the sponsors.

A report said Iraq retains chemical and biological weapons and the capability to quickly produce more. This came from a respected think tank. As opposed to a disrespected think tank, the Anna Nicole Institute of Book Learnin’ and Such.

Bill Clinton is a member of think tank. Well, actually his is a think hot tub.