Saturday, September 14, 2002

Don't disrespect the Bing, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A word of warning: You have to be careful with that Botox stuff that gets rid of wrinkles. The Rollings Stones Keith Richards used it and his face disappeared.

A government study shows Americans are overweight and physically lazy but are living longer than ever before. Guys are going to run with this:

“Is that all you are going to do today, eat and lie on the couch?”

“But honey, it’s part of my new longevity-increasing fitness program.”

Yes baseball fans, it’s that time of year; the days are getting cooler and longer, the regular season games are almost over and Chicago Cubs fans have to figure out which playoff bound team they hate the least.

Did you see that former New York Mayor Rudy Gulianni has wisely lost his comb-over and now combs his hair back? It is about time. Comb-overs are uglier than homemade soap. Comb-overs are like that ugly portrait of Aunt Trudy used to cover up the wall stain. Comb-overs are the hairstyle equivalent of lipstick on a pig. The two sleaziest human beings that I ever met both had comb-overs. I don't want to say their names, but their initials were Aldo Pagano and Bob Felderman.

The last two counts against NBA All-Star Allen Iverson will be dropped because his accusers don't want to pursue the case. This is a very valuable lesson to the young kids: never, ever, commit felonies unless you are rich and famous. So after kicking his wife out of the house naked and breaking into an apartment and threatening people with a gun, absolutely nothing happens. Well if that doesn’t teach Iverson a lesson, nothing will.

A Porno Star (notice how they are always porno stars? Is there such a thing as a porno also ran?) is going to try and break a record with 20 consecutive orgasms. The only time I did twenty things in a row, I was kicked out of the all-you-can-eat donut shop. The guy must have loaded Viagra in his Pez dispenser.