Tuesday, April 16, 2002

Anyone else wonder if Tiger Woods new Swedish Babe calls him Tiger Voods? I didn't think so.
Hello Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, slap me silly and call me Betty

Colin Powell is getting tough in the Middle East. Today he told Yassar Arafat to halt all terrorism, or he would make Yassar meet privately with an American priest. There are a lot of things I don't understand about the Middle East. Two of them are why we just don't take out those trolls Arafat and Hussien.

Pamela Anderson is engaged to Kid Rock. Pamela used to be married to rocker Tommy Lee. So from these guys, one thing we know about Pamela: she doesn’t really care if a guy does or doesn’t wash his hair. Coincidentally, Kid Rocks is Pamela’s nickname for her breast implants.

The Supreme Court voted down a congressional ban on virtual child pornography. Gosh I wonder which way Clarence Thomas voted?

Mrs. Thomas:“How was the Supreme Court today, honey?”

Justice Clarence: “Oh fine, I voted against banning child pornography.”

Mrs. Thomas: “Sorry, could you repeat that? You did what?”

Justice Thomas: "Honey, do we have any Coke?"

What is the argument in favor of not banning child pornography? “These kids have a right to work too”'?

There is going to be a “Baywatch” reunion TV special. The actors are a tad older now. This time they won’t have to slow the film down for them to run in slow motion.

The government has approved Botox a powerful toxin that smoothes wrinkles. This stuff is derived from the bacteria that causes botulism, but because of desperately aging baby boomers, it gets approved. If they found out Anthrax gets rid of a double chins, it would get approved.

Tiger Woods won the Masters. It’s not fair, the guy can hit a driver well over 300 yards and he has a beautiful Swedish girlfriend. Of course, if you gave guys who golf two choices between winning the Masters, a 300 yard drive and a Swedish girlfriend, they would say two words: “Adios, Inga.”

Did you see the blonde Swedish beauty at the Masters Tournament purported to be Tiger Wood’s girlfriend? Apparently, she used to be Swedish golfer Jasper Parnivik’s Nanny. If I tried to get a girl like that to be our Nanny, my wife would nearly suffocate from laughter, gather herself and say a sentence with three words that start with the letters N, F, and W.

Monday, April 15, 2002

Hello Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers. Sorry, it has been a while.

On this date in 1912 the Titanic sunk taking about 1500 people. Right now all the people who still haven’t filed their taxes are saying; “Lucky bastards.”

The government has approved Botox a powerful toxin that smoothes wrinkles. In a related story, Keith Richards was detained at an airport because he no longer resembles his passport photo.

Have you seen the latest Osama bin Laden video tape? Its wild. It shows him boxing Tonya Harding.

I saw a documentary on HBO called Southern Comfort that featured southern transsexual couples. The couples were made up of guys who used to be a girls going out with a girls who used to be a guys. Isn’t that kind of going the long way around to end up back at the same place? That’s like flying around to pick up the local newspaper.

An American Airlines plane ran off the runway on to a highway while it was being worked on, after someone forgot to set the parking brake. American Airlines: Something special in the streets.

The worst part? The plane didn’t wait its turn at a four way stop sign.

American Airlines is trying to put a positive spin on this. Today they advertised Valet parking.

Tiger Woods won the Masters. It was the second most shocking sports result of the weekend right after the fact that a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon. The next shocker: A horse will win the Kentucky Derby.

Pres. Bush reported adjusted gross income of over $800,000 for 2001. And that’s even after he handed back that pretzel endorsement.

Did you happen to catch the latest episode of “The Osbournes” on MTV? It was really good. Especially the scene where the voices in Ozzy’s head fight over the TV remote. Ozzy Osbourne paid his taxes. The guy snorts ants and bites heads off of bats. When he reports gross income, it really is gross.

Golfer Vijay Singh was in contention to win the Masters up until the fifteenth hole when he shot a disastrous four over-par nine. Vijay actually played it safe, or laid up and then exploded. That’s like going into prison with the protective cork stuck in your mouth.

Golfer Vijay Singh was in contention to win the Masters up until the fifteenth hole when he shot a disastrous four over-par nine. Otherwise known as a quadruple Enron.

The Augusta National golf course during the Masters tournament reminded me of disarming a bomb. It’s no problem as long as you don’t make a mistake. Apparently Vijay Singh and Ernie Els snipped the wrong wire.

By now you have either filed your taxes, requested an extension, or locked yourself in your panic room so the I.R.S. can’t come and get you.

Tiger Woods won the Masters tournament at Augusta, GA. Tiger received the coveted Green Jacket, the second ugliest garment in the universe next to the U.P.S. delivery people’s brown shorts.