Tuesday, April 16, 2002

Hello Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, slap me silly and call me Betty

Colin Powell is getting tough in the Middle East. Today he told Yassar Arafat to halt all terrorism, or he would make Yassar meet privately with an American priest. There are a lot of things I don't understand about the Middle East. Two of them are why we just don't take out those trolls Arafat and Hussien.

Pamela Anderson is engaged to Kid Rock. Pamela used to be married to rocker Tommy Lee. So from these guys, one thing we know about Pamela: she doesn’t really care if a guy does or doesn’t wash his hair. Coincidentally, Kid Rocks is Pamela’s nickname for her breast implants.

The Supreme Court voted down a congressional ban on virtual child pornography. Gosh I wonder which way Clarence Thomas voted?

Mrs. Thomas:“How was the Supreme Court today, honey?”

Justice Clarence: “Oh fine, I voted against banning child pornography.”

Mrs. Thomas: “Sorry, could you repeat that? You did what?”

Justice Thomas: "Honey, do we have any Coke?"

What is the argument in favor of not banning child pornography? “These kids have a right to work too”'?

There is going to be a “Baywatch” reunion TV special. The actors are a tad older now. This time they won’t have to slow the film down for them to run in slow motion.

The government has approved Botox a powerful toxin that smoothes wrinkles. This stuff is derived from the bacteria that causes botulism, but because of desperately aging baby boomers, it gets approved. If they found out Anthrax gets rid of a double chins, it would get approved.

Tiger Woods won the Masters. It’s not fair, the guy can hit a driver well over 300 yards and he has a beautiful Swedish girlfriend. Of course, if you gave guys who golf two choices between winning the Masters, a 300 yard drive and a Swedish girlfriend, they would say two words: “Adios, Inga.”

Did you see the blonde Swedish beauty at the Masters Tournament purported to be Tiger Wood’s girlfriend? Apparently, she used to be Swedish golfer Jasper Parnivik’s Nanny. If I tried to get a girl like that to be our Nanny, my wife would nearly suffocate from laughter, gather herself and say a sentence with three words that start with the letters N, F, and W.