Monday, April 15, 2002

Hello Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers. Sorry, it has been a while.

On this date in 1912 the Titanic sunk taking about 1500 people. Right now all the people who still haven’t filed their taxes are saying; “Lucky bastards.”

The government has approved Botox a powerful toxin that smoothes wrinkles. In a related story, Keith Richards was detained at an airport because he no longer resembles his passport photo.

Have you seen the latest Osama bin Laden video tape? Its wild. It shows him boxing Tonya Harding.

I saw a documentary on HBO called Southern Comfort that featured southern transsexual couples. The couples were made up of guys who used to be a girls going out with a girls who used to be a guys. Isn’t that kind of going the long way around to end up back at the same place? That’s like flying around to pick up the local newspaper.

An American Airlines plane ran off the runway on to a highway while it was being worked on, after someone forgot to set the parking brake. American Airlines: Something special in the streets.

The worst part? The plane didn’t wait its turn at a four way stop sign.

American Airlines is trying to put a positive spin on this. Today they advertised Valet parking.

Tiger Woods won the Masters. It was the second most shocking sports result of the weekend right after the fact that a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon. The next shocker: A horse will win the Kentucky Derby.

Pres. Bush reported adjusted gross income of over $800,000 for 2001. And that’s even after he handed back that pretzel endorsement.

Did you happen to catch the latest episode of “The Osbournes” on MTV? It was really good. Especially the scene where the voices in Ozzy’s head fight over the TV remote. Ozzy Osbourne paid his taxes. The guy snorts ants and bites heads off of bats. When he reports gross income, it really is gross.

Golfer Vijay Singh was in contention to win the Masters up until the fifteenth hole when he shot a disastrous four over-par nine. Vijay actually played it safe, or laid up and then exploded. That’s like going into prison with the protective cork stuck in your mouth.

Golfer Vijay Singh was in contention to win the Masters up until the fifteenth hole when he shot a disastrous four over-par nine. Otherwise known as a quadruple Enron.

The Augusta National golf course during the Masters tournament reminded me of disarming a bomb. It’s no problem as long as you don’t make a mistake. Apparently Vijay Singh and Ernie Els snipped the wrong wire.

By now you have either filed your taxes, requested an extension, or locked yourself in your panic room so the I.R.S. can’t come and get you.

Tiger Woods won the Masters tournament at Augusta, GA. Tiger received the coveted Green Jacket, the second ugliest garment in the universe next to the U.P.S. delivery people’s brown shorts.