Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Good looking out, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Following his lap-band surgery, New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie, has lost 100 pounds. Or as they call that in New Jersey: dropping a Snookie.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin are splitting. That’s too bad, now nobody likes Coldplay.

A study claims electric cigarettes may be of no use in helping people quit smoking; but e-cigarettes are 100% effective in making the user look like an utter tool.

“U-T San Diego” did an article on LPGA’s Nicole Jeray who suffers from narcolepsy. She actually falls asleep when she plays golf. Which is very unusual, most people fall asleep watching golf.

Sadly, Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin are splitting. They ask that we respect the privacy of their children, Apple and Moses. Here’s an idea: if you’re worried about your kid’s privacy? Name them Billy and Mary, not Apple and Moses.

Pope Francis warned the Mafia they are going to hell. And so are the people who speed up to cut you off just to slow down and turn in front of you.

The Vatican received a package with a condom full of cocaine. Upon hearing this, Charlie Sheen said; “The Vatican? No, I meant to send it to the Venetian in Las Vegas.”

In Chicago, the operator of the CTA train that jumped the end of the tracks and drove up the escalator was a woman who had fallen asleep and missed a stop before. One more screw up and she is going to be hired as an engineer on Amtrak.

Sadly, Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin are splitting. They ask that we respect the privacy of their children, Apple and Moses. Apparently the names Crankcase and Bulldozer were taken.
This divorce will be hardest on the children, Apple and Moses. Of course it wouldn't have been as hard if they hadn't named them Apple and Moses. 

Since you asked:
Mandom Rusings:

If eating a cheeseburger from the Habit, drinking red wine and having a “How I Met Your Mother” and “Parks and Recreation” and “Call of Duty: Ghosts” man-cave marathon is wrong, I do not want to be right. (Three snaps in a circle “Living Color” style)
Even a lot of my friends do not know this, but I "dated" Gwyneth Paltrow, when I moved back from New York and was in training in Los Angeles. And even more of you don't know I have just been named the defendant in a lawsuit from the estate of Gwyneth Paltrow, plaintiff. So. . . 

Truth be told, I kind of go back and forth on "How I Met Your Mother" star Cobie Smulders.  Sometimes I think she is just about the sexiest thing on TV. But other times I just think she is the hottest thing in the universe. She can look sexy or dorky and is smoking either way. Sorry, Gwyneth . . . 

It is currently raining here in San Diego. You can actually hear the driver's IQ's plummeting. 

Entitlement warning. A group of Torrey Pines HS girls distance runners were leaving the campus to go on a group jog. Two of them were running right in the middle of the street in front of me as I was driving home after picking up Ann Caroline. When I slowly swung left to go around them, one of them suddenly turned 90 degrees left right in front of me to cross the street without even looking. I slammed on the brakes to somewhat narrowly avoid hitting her. (It wasn't real close, but close enough. Had I been texting or not paying attention, I would have hit her) She first looked utterly shocked and then - this is the amazing part - she proceeded to cut me the filthiest stink-eye look you have ever seen. How dare I have inconvenienced her like that? 

Here is a great recipe: Get some organic and locally grown sustainable Swiss chard, oyster mushrooms, kale, rainbow eggplant and radicchio. Now throw that shit away, heat up some tater tots and grill a freaking steak. Please and thank you. 

All joshing aside, my buddy Woody turned me on to this one from "The New York Times." Sautee brown musthrooms in butter and then, when there are almost done, toss in a healthy splash of soy sauce. That there is the bee's knees if you please . . .