Erriebody all cray-cray up in this here fizzy bizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Chris Brown gave Kanye West advice on how to handle the media; that’s like Alec Baldwin giving Gary Busey advice on anger management

Texas Sen, Ted Cruz, gave a 21-hour-anti-Obama-care speech. We don’t have a joke on this because our writers have been playing “Grand Theft Auto 5” for nine straight days.

The last place Houston Astros played a home game on Television that registered a 0.0 Neilson rating.  Which raises the philosophical question: if the Astros play a game and nobody sees it, do they still suck?

 The cover of “Time” asks the question: “Can Google Solve Death?” No idea, but I do know the scariest combination is Google and a hypochondriac. Guy at work: “Dude, I swear I have bloating, sore back and nausea. Oh, wait, that’s a pregnant chick.”

The captain of the grounded cruise ship, Costa Concordia, now claims it was the helmsmen’s fault; Let’s review, this guy sank his ship, was one of the first to flee, then claimed he was pushed into the lifeboat, now he says the sinking was the helmsmen fault. How is this guy not running for Congress?

Grumpy Old Guy Random Thoughts on the NFL:

Penalty for making the one-finger, head-shake shhh gesture.

No announcing your high school in your pre-game introduction. You went to a college. Say it. So we can understand you.

Kneepads mandatory, no pants above the knees.

Any player arguing with refs is ejected.

No hanging gloves from facemask.

No more of those huge venetian blind facemasks. 

Keep the long hair. The long hair looks cool, either flowing flaxen locks ala Clay Tres, the wild Samoan mane of Troy P. or the “Predator” dreds of Richard Sherman. But not only is it legal to grab that hair – for blocking or tackling – it is encouraged. Got that? It is not holding if they are holding you by the hair. Beauty comes at a price.

No thanking Jesus or god.

No more pouting by the quarterback and then glaring at the receiver after every incompletion. (Tom, Eli, Peyton, Aaron) You want him to catch the ball? Throw it to him.

You want to speed up reviewed plays? Call me on my cell phone and I will tell you what I just saw two seconds ago on the instant replay.

Love Jon Gruden to death, but I played football, I love football, I know football, and my eyes glaze over when he talks about the Jake slot, A-flank scooter route in the cover two hank-swaggle zone skippy with the helmet slot coverage by the weak side rover diamond scooter hover back.