Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Awwwright, awwwwright, awwwwwright, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It was hot today. I was sweating like White House spokesperson, Jay Carney, talking about the IRS.

TMZ reports that Kris Jenner and her daughter, Khloe Kardashian, were too drunk to film an episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” That’s worse than too drunk to fish. That’s too drunk to be an idiot. 

The big cycling race, The Amgen Tour of California, started today in San Diego. The first stage was won by, oh, who cares?  He is just going to get caught using performance enhancing drugs and be disqualified.

On the last two holes of the Players Championship, Sergio Garcia hit three balls in the water. In fact, the only thing to ever have more balls in the water than Sergio was the Chinese women’s swim team. 

Since you asked:
Maybe we need to cut Donald Trump, Kristen Stewart, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian a wee bit of slack. (OK, who are you and what have you done with our buddy, Lex?)

Bear with me.

Fame must really be addicting. Look at the lengths that cesspool condensation in human form, O.J. Simpson, goes to stay in the public eye. It is so needy and pathetic it almost makes you feel sorry for O.J. minus that whole “He butchered two innocent people” thing. 

Tiger Woods wins the Players. Yes, he is back and dickier than ever. 

What is with the PGA, and the broadcasters, insistence of playing the Tiger-is-really-a-good-guy card? They do it with Vijay Singh too. Vijay got caught cheating on his scorecard in Asia. He ripped off a tournament promoter in Australia for several thousands. Now he is suing the PGA for cheating with deer antler spray. Vijay is an a-hole. Say it.

Trust me, I get it that golf promotes itself as a gentleman’s classy sport. But true class is being honest even if it isn’t in the sport’s – or the broadcast’s – best interest. Quite frankly, as Michael Jordan did before him, Tiger has bullied the PGA to be afraid of him. Among his many negative traits, Tiger is a vindictive bastard. When someone crosses Tiger, he makes them pay. (Which is hypocritical knowing what a cheap bastard Tiger is)

Now it turns out not only did Tiger lie about pulling out a club during Sergio Garcia’s swing, he tried to throw a TPC Marshall under the bus to cover it up. Tiger Woods is a carp-faced, flatulent little slimy weasel liar.

Ew, I like that. I’m going to say it again: Tiger Woods is a carp-faced, flatulent little slimy weasel liar. (Sorry O'Snake) 

Afterwards Sergio said; "Tiger is not the nicest guy on the tour." Which, in polite golf-speak, essentially accused Tiger of being a serial killer. 

But I still, for now, love watching Tiger play golf. However, the list of Tiger enemies is huge and growing. And not just people who Tiger used, fired and then threw under the bus, like his ex-caddies and swing coaches. 

There is no money in it for PGA players in publically hating Tiger Woods, in fact it is probably financially detrimental. But Phil and Sergio and others gladly do it anyway they hate him so much. Why doesn’t the PGA, CBS and the rest of the press just go ahead and award the black hat to Tiger? It would be more honest and a lot more fun.

No question golf is more fun when Tiger is winning. And he is winning again. Big. 

As of right now, the good news for golf is that Tiger is really fun to hate.  What golf and CBS and the Golf Channel and Nike and IMG need to stay awake at night worrying about is when Tiger crosses over from fun to hate, to you hate him so much it isn’t any fun. Like Trump, Lance Armstrong and Paris Hilton. Then nobody watches.

As of now we can still watch and admire Tiger despite knowing he is an incredible nasty little brat at age 37. One more scandal, say with PED’s, and Tiger is toast.

By the way, is anyone buying the sincerity of Tiger's "relationship" with Lindsay Vonn. There hasn't been a union more phony since the movie studio found someone for Rock Hudson to marry. But without the gay-thing.

Lance Armstrong went from fun to hate to no fun. (By the way, what is the over-and-under on who will rat out Tiger for using Performance Enhancing Drugs? When that happens, and it will, Tiger will shift from “Fun to hate” to “You hate him so much it is no fun” immediately just like Lance, Ben Roethlisberger and O.J.)

It is painful to see how much the true legends of the golf world, Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus, have so tepidly accepted Tiger. The expressions on their faces when confronted with Tiger are the same as someone who has just detected a nasty fart.

No less than sports-writing legends Rick Reilly and Dan Jenkins have gone public with their hatred of Tiger Woods. How bad a guy is Tiger? In “ESPN” magazine, Reilly reveals Tiger has a half-brother dying of M.S. and in severe financial difficulties Tiger flat out shuns. True, there may be two sides to this story, but, given his track record, Tiger is probably wrong on both sides.

It boils down to the fact Tiger is a dorky, foul-mouthed, low-class drunken scumbag who lies and cheated on his wife, family and fans. How many Lance Armstrong’s, Ben Roethlisberger’s and Kobe's and Tiger Woods’s will have to implode before Nike realizes you can’t manipulate someone who is essentially a horrible person into a beloved and honorable sports hero? These days of Twitter and Facebook and e-mails, the truth comes out faster and faster.

In the old days you could hide a selfish a-hole much better like Joe DiMaggio or Willy Mays or Pete Rose or Mickey Mantle or Jim Brown.

Obviously Nike thinks we are stupid. Or they think they are way smarter than us, not sure which is worse. Nike thinks they can fool us into marketing athletes as upstanding heroes who are actually horrible people. Sometimes it takes time, like with Lance Armstrong, but we, the people, will figure out who the bad guys are.

So go eff youself, Nike. Look at your boy, Kobe. The guy is suing his mother. You know, the woman who gave him life? Her. 

Tiger was, and always will be, a nerdy Bellflower/Cypress schmuck in tight shorts and tube socks with taped-glasses and no friends named Eldrick who just happens to be a great, great golfer.  (And he really is the greatest golfer, no question. But so what?)  

Yes, we all learned on the fateful Thanksgiving night, Tiger is not the nice guy Nike and I.M.G. pedaled him to be. But he could still have a long, long way to fall if he is as bad as some, namely Rick Reilly, say.

Despite all of his great accomplishments in golf, Tiger Woods is a bullying loser, just like Donald Trump, Lance Armstrong, Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh. You can’t hide a bullying loser under a guise of a cool alpha male. The bullying loser will always emerge as a hypocrite living a farce.

Same with Eldrick, er, Tiger.