Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Hopefully this picture will balance even with the joke at the bottom of this update

We’re gonna need a bigger boat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Remember the two-year-old chubby Indonesian baby who was smoking 40 cigarettes a day? Good news, he quit smoking. Now if they could only wean him off loose women and gin.

Mexico has captured one of its most notorious drug lords, “The Barbie”. Of course, that’s like New York bragging they’ve captured one of its biggest rats.

“The Barbie.” He has a reputation for being a vicious killer, but so far in captivity, “The Barbie” has been a real doll.

School has started. Across the country, women high school teachers are correcting their male pupils that their note; “You’re the teacher I want to have sex with” should not end in a preposition. It should be “You are the teacher with whom I want to have sex.”

New York has approved the sale of Kangaroo meat by restaurants; the tricky part about ordering Kangaroo meat? It keeps hopping off the plate.

A study claims heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers; that’s because the heavy drinkers bore the non-drinkers to death by repeating the same stories.

The beautiful tall ships have arrived in San Diego Bay during the Festival of Sail. It was great except for one San Diego ship called The Padres. It sailed in first, but now it’s sinking.

The first place San Diego Padres have lost ten games in a row. It is so bad the Padres are asking to be included with the Dodgers in the McCourt divorce trial.

The first place San Diego Padres have lost ten games in a row. How fitting is it the Padres play at Petco Park? Because they sure are dogging it.

Remember how Paris Hilton claimed she borrowed the black Chanel purse the Las Vegas police found cocaine in? Turns out Paris posted a picture of the same purse on twitter over a month ago while bragging about it. You know, I’m really starting to warm up to this whole twitter thing.

A study claims heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers; well sure, that’s because time stands still when you’re hung-over.

Since you asked:

Well, I had a chance to talk to Cletis “T-Bone” Terhune regarding my fantasy draft.

Three keepers allowed me to lock down QB and two receivers with P. Manning, Roddy White and Steve Smith, the Giants. Got the Cards Beanie Wells, and Giants Jacobs at RB. Plus I am backing them up with some serious sleepers, Michael Bush, Oakland, and Toby Gerhart, Minnesota. Kicker is local boy Nate Kaeding. Got Chicago’s own Devon’s, Hester and Aromushodu, backing up WR with local 3-game suspended Vincent Jackson in there for fun. 

Ol’ Cletis “T-Bone” Terhune thinks I should go deep in the playoffs if I catch some luck. But, keep in mind, Cletis "T-Bone" Terhune is the guy who thinks the three greatest things are dropping a deuce followed by self love and a siesta, or as he call it, the holy triumvirate: a crap, a snap and a nap.

Which reminds me of another crusty dude.

Four old guys interviewing for the greeter job at Wal Mart.

Interviewer says;

“All of you are qualified, so I am going to ask you a question, whoever gives the best answer gets the greeter job. Ready? What is the fastest thing there is?”

First old guy says;

“A thought. When you think.”

“Good one,” said the interviewer.

“How about the blink of an eye?”said the second old guy.

“Nah,” said the third, “The fastest thing is when you turn on a light.”

Not sure how anyone can beat the speed of light, the interviewer turns to the fourth old guy and asks him what he thinks the fastest thing is:


Confused, the interviewer asks him to explain.

“Well, the other day, when I went to go to the bathroom, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I had crap in my pants.”

Fourth old guy got the job.

(Quick, go look at the cute girl and puppy sharing an ice cream and you should be OK)