"They say a bird in hand is worth two in the bush . . . screw it, I am going to eat it anyway."

That joke just called, it said it wants you to stop telling it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Friday, the handsome “Pirates of the Caribbean” star Orlando Bloom married the stunning Victoria Secret model Miranda Kerr. The wedding took place at the Holy Crap, Our Lives Suck By Comparison Church of England.


On “Discovery Channel’s” “Shark Attack Survival Guide” they say if you punch a shark in the snout, the shark “may break contact.” I’m sorry, but if I am going to risk infuriating a 1,000-pound man eater, I need something more concrete than “it may break contact.”



Since you asked:

Saw the movie “The Rocker” Do yourself a favor. Don’t.

Although not a huge fan of the Rainn Wilson “I will be funny by being creepy” school of comnerdy, the cast is a who’s who of who is hot in Hollywood: Jane Lynch, Bradley Cooper, Christina Applegate, Jeff Garlin, Emma Stone, Will Arnett. How can a movie not be funny with those folks?

It is nowhere close to funny. It’s sort of “Almost Famous” if Cameron Crowe let a mentally challenged Eighth grader write the script. It was so bad I had to keep watching it just to see if it could maintain its level of horrible. “House Bunny” co-star Emma Stone is a funny girl. Check out her iPhone clip on “Funny or Die” How they were able to keep her Kristen Stewart-un-funny was a miracle.

Dennis Leary said it usually takes about two to three weeks to tell you’re making a bad movie, I bet this one they knew the first day.

Terrell Owens has signed with the Cincinnati Bengals?

Let’s just fire up the time machine real quick:

At training camp, Chad Ochocinco and Carson Palmer remark how hard a worker T.O. is and how they all get along fine.

After two games, a clearly upset T.O. tells the press he should be getting the ball more. Afterwards, Carson Palmer and Chad Ochocinco say everyone is still getting along fine.

Week five, rumors of a fight at practice between Chad Ochocinco and T.O. are denied by all concerned.

Week ten, Carson Palmer denies having an argument with T.O. saying people don’t have to be best friends to play football.

T.O. denies he started a rumor Chad Ochocinco is going to be traded.

Another rumor of a fight, this time between Carson Palmer and T.O.

Bengals coach Marvin Lewis denies that T.O.’s diminished playing time means he will be gone after the season adding; “Let’s just see how things happen.

T.O. is cut at the end of a disappointing season.