No, thanks for asking, but this isn't me. But it could be me if I were Laird Hamilton instead of me.

British Petroleum announced they have sheared the pipe at the leak and they are going to put a cap on it. They just thought of this now? That’s like going through twenty pairs of pants before trying on a pair of Depends.

Some comedian somewhere - sorry, I can't remember who it was - joked that we should try and stop the Gulf leak with Donald Trump's hair. Not a bad idea, the letters in British Petroleum actually spell out:

Be their oils Trump.

President George W. Bush is on Twitter. It was a little awkward, when informed a Twitter post can have 140 characters, Bush said; “Wow, that’s a lot. My cabinet only had 15 characters, but those folks were nuts.”

A Seattle man shot himself in the testicles when the gun in his pants misfired. They were shopping at a Lowe’s home improvement store, so clearly the bullet hit his wife’s purse where his testicles were located at the time.

On Twitter, Paris Hilton scolded us to do more for the environment. This is the same woman who got dumped by her rich boyfriend for running up a $1mil on his private jet company tab. Apropos of nothing, anyone know how you hire a hit man?