You can still think you are him and be nice to folks

Who dat asking who dat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?



In the text messages from Tiger Woods to porn star, Joslyn James, Tiger requests sadomasochistic sex and to urinate on James. If Tiger isn’t careful this sex scandal could get embarrassing.


In the text messages from Tiger Woods to porn star, Joslyn James, Tiger requests to urinate on James. It’s the same fantasy a lot of guys have about their shower.


Defense Sec. Robert Gates announced women will be allowed to serve on submarines for the first time. In fact the Navy hired my writers and they’re busy writing “Up periscope” jokes right now.


Pamela Anderson was on “Dancing with the Stars” and she did well considering Pamela was at a huge disadvantage: no stripper pole.


The famous jewelry maker, Tiffany and Co. announced fourth quarter profits quadrupled from last year. They even took out an ad in all the papers “Thank you, Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Jesse James and David Letterman.”


Rush Limbaugh said he was going to leave the country if the health care bill passed. He’s not kidding, Rush spent the last two days packing up his medicine cabinet.


Rush Limbaugh said he was going to leave the country if the health care bill passed. He’s not kidding, Rush spent the last two days packing up his refrigerator.


Supporters of the health care bill say the American people now get the same health benefits members of Congress get, without having to turn into a lying and cheating dirt-bag.


In his “Golf Channel” interview, Tiger Woods said he wasn’t going to have affairs. In “Golf Channel” speak Tiger said he wouldn’t be laying up anymore.


It now looks like Tiger Woods is trying to save his marriage to his wife, Elin, and he gave an apologetic interview that aired on ESPN. Of course, for Tiger, ESPN stands for Elin Scares my Penis Now.


One theory on picking the NCAA tournament winners is to pick the teams with cat mascots. The exception being teams named Tiger, because they really got screwed this year.


On “American Idol” Miley Cyrus was the mentor the contestants. Which is sort of like hiring Paris Hilton as a tutor for calculus.


Since you asked:

In the latest “Sports Illustrated” in an interview with Dan Patrick, former Red Socks ace, Kurt Schilling, said he despised Barry Bonds in part because he can’t like people who treat other people like sub-humans.

Isn’t that the deal with those world record a-holes like Barry Bonds, Michael Irvin and Roger Clemens? It’s a given they’re megalomaniacs. The difference, as I understand it, between a narcissist or egomaniac and a megalomaniac is the megalomaniac has no desire to be loved, they want power and to scare and or harm what they consider all of us vastly inferior people. That is because they not only consider themselves to be demigods, but they consider nearly everyone else as horribly worthless. Not just to them, but in general. This provides the megalomaniac with two whole levels of impossible arrogance, one, they consider themselves flawless, and two, other people are weak and worthless. Now drop down and give me twenty.

You can still have a world class ego and treat people decently and even nicely. Rafer Johnson is a perfect example of that. So is Reggie Jackson. Holy crap, at a party for the opening of the Louisville Slugger museum, I sat and chatted with Hall of Famer Robin Yount like we old buddies hanging in a bar. This guy had no detectable ego whatsoever and could not be nicer.

Former Buffalo Bill wide receiver Andre Reed was in our local burger place and my friend, Aaron, was gob-smacked. He is a huge Bills and Reed fan, and he told me he was too terrified to ask him, but wanted Reed’s autograph in the worst way. Now Reed was a several time pro bowler, but not a Hall of Famer, and I didn’t give a damn about him either way. Plus I hate asking for autographs, but my friend was mentally dying in front of me, so I volunteered to ask.

As nicely as I could, I waited until Reed was leaving the restaurant and said; “Excuse me, but my friend is a huge fan and too nervous to ask, so could you sign this to Aaron?” Right away, I could see the evil delight in Reed’s eyes. He couldn’t wait to refuse and generally act like I had asked to borrow $500. What a schmuck. And Reed is just a run-of-the-mill ex-jock egomaniac.

Which makes imagining how these washed up steroid cheaters – there is no doubt Irvin used steroids, he used so many drugs he may have taken steroids by accident - it makes imagining what they do all day now all that much more fun, because they really have zero power to abuse people unless they have them on salary or they are diehard fans. And if anyone is still a die-hard fan of Bonds, Irvin or Clemens, well, they deserve the inevitable abuse they will get.

One pictures Irvin, Bonds and Clemens individually surrounded at a giant table at a sports bar getting their asses seriously kissed by their professional ass kisser entourage while rudely declining to sign autographs to their few remaining, denial-ridden diehard fans.

One has to wonder where the fuel comes from to stoke the conflagration that is their out of control egos? Nobody is talking about them in the press – unless, like Irvin, they are accused of rape. They are not associated with their teams or sport. All right-minded people can’t stand them. The press despises them. At some point, even for shallow colossal non-genius egos like these, getting your ass smooched by gold diggers and morons has to ring hollow eventually, right?

But probably not.